My ship finally came in&;#063;

THOUSANDS A WEEK
I answered an advertisement that said, "I will tell you how to save
thousands of dollars each and every week, absolutely free?send $17.95
for handling costs and I'll mail you the information within three
working days".
My mind functions on a plane much higher than average, so I was able to
instantly recognize the offer to be fantastic! Thousands of dollars a
week would enable me to become rich in a short period of time, maybe
even a millionaire? Wow! Could that be possible?
I dusted off the old adding machine, pushed a few buttons, pulled the
handle, and waited. My neighbor always tells me to get a calculator but
I say why waste money on a newfangled gizmo when I have a perfectly
functional mathematical marvel right in front of me? Furthermore, I was
able to make a sandwich while waiting for the answer. You can't do that
with a calculator!
The answer soon came up, "WOW!" I exclaimed with joy as it revealed I
could in fact become a millionaire, if I lived long enough. My health
is good, I take care of myself, and I'm not married, so I figured my
chances of a long life are conceivable.
"This is too good to be true!" I said to myself, "I can be a
millionaire for only $17.95! The guy selling this information so cheap
must be an idiot?" I bought two!
Three days later as I sat in "The Big Chair" dreaming of my ship coming
in, my neighbor came home from Hawaii. The guy is obnoxious. He's
always telling me how his life is better than mine. I rushed over to
tell him the news.
"Hi Sam! I rushed over to tell you the news!"
Sam was not in a good mood.
"What's the matter, Sam?"
"I got ripped off, George. I spent all my life's savings on a trip to
Hawaii only to find out that the deal that was going to put me on Easy
Street was a flim flam."
"Oh, Gee?too bad! Listen to what happened to me!"
"There I was, sitting in Maui, sipping on a mint julep, watching
Bowling for Dollars on cable, when the cell phone rang. It was my wife
telling me the info I sent for was worthless."
"Oh, Gee?too bad! Listen to what happened to me!"
"Naturally I didn't believe her, so I told her to fax me a copy. When I
got it I realized I'm ruined, flat broke, not a penny to my
name."
"It's always about you, isn't it Sam?"
He reached into his coat pocket. I thought he was going for a gun but
he pulled out an envelope.
"You're lucky I'm not a cop, Sam, or you'd be dead after making a move
like that."
"Here's the info. Read it."
I opened the letter and started to read. The words were big, "The words
are big."
"The advertisement said, "Easy to read instructions"
I read the words, "Don't buy a new car every week". I had to admit I
didn't understand a word of it, "I don't get it?"
"I'm supposed to save money."
"Well, I believe you will save if you don't buy a car."
On the outside I played the part of a sympathetic neighbor while on the
inside I beamed with laughter at his stupidity for being taken for such
a scam.
"I'm ruined."
"Well you should know better! You're a grown man for Pete's sake!
Listen to what happened to me!"
"Know better?I should know better? Their ad said I could save thousands
of dollars a week!"
"Duh! You will if you don't buy a car, Ha Ha!"
"I thought I'd be a millionaire?"
"Boy, are you gullible! Thousands of dollars a?Great Googlie Mooglie!
How much did you pay for it?"
"Seventeen ninety-five."
"Great Googlie Mooglie! Do you still have the original ad?"
"Yeah, I carry it with me. Here it is."
I looked at the brochure, "Great Googlie Mooglie!" I thought to myself,
"That's the same ad as mine! Why'd I have to buy two?"
"What's the matter, George?You look rather flushed?"
"Oh, nothing?well I gotta go?see ya later!"
"Those dirty (dirty words)", I thought to myself as I hurried home,
"I've been flim flamed! My fortune gone up in smoke. Well they're not
going to get away with it!"
I phoned my bank to tell them to stop payment on the check.
"One moment please!" I heard a voice say as they put me on hold.
"Ahh!" I yelled as I hung up and dialed again.
"Miss, don't put me on?"
"One moment please!"
"Ahh! I yelled as I dialed again.
This time before she could utter a word I yelled, "I demand to speak to
the manager!"
"Oh, yes?I understand?the manager is standing beside me?her she
is."
"Hello!"
"I want to stop payment on a check."
"This isn't the police?"
"I know you're not the police, you idiot! You're my bank?I want to stop
a check!"
"I mean, you're not the police??It's a question."
"Of course not! What are you talking about?"
"Sir, we are in the middle of a robbery. Please hang up so the police
can get through."
"A robbery?"
"Yes, Sir"
"Don't let them take my money! It's in an account that's not federally
insured because one of your people told me it would be safe and I'd get
more interest."
"Sir, please get off the line."
"Can't you stop payment for me? It'll only take a minute."
"I'm sorry, Sir, the alleged robbers are motioning for me to put my
hands back up in the air. Call back later."
"How much later?"
"When the robbery is over."
"How long will that be?"
"I don't know, Sir?I've never been in a robbery before."
"You must be new? Can you give me an estimate??am, pm?"
"I'd have to say?Oh, the police have arrived. They've surrounded the
building. The robbers say they'll never be taken alive. Oh, My
Goodness!?we're in a hostage situation! The police are yelling on the
loudspeaker. They're saying to clear the phone lines. Goodbye,
Sir?click"
"Damn!" I thought as I hung up the phone, "Why does everything happen
to me?"
I've never been good at waiting. I phoned the bank intermittently only
to hear the annoying buzz of the busy signal. Several hours went by
before someone finally picked up."
"Hello!" I yelled, "I demand to speak to the manager!"
"She's been taken to the hospital," a frightened voice said.
"She's avoiding me," I thought, "The spineless twit!"
"Ok, then I demand to speak to the assistant manager!"
"He's dead," the quivering voice cried.
"Wow!" I thought to myself, "The extremes some people will go to avoid
an irate customer."
"How bout, Miss Quigley, my favorite teller?"
"She's having a baby."
"What?"
"The paramedics are working on her. Apparently the excitement caused
her baby to come prematurely."
"A baby?I didn't even know she was pregnant? Oh, My God?I hope I'm
not?is there anyone else there?"
"I don't know?"
"Well who are you?"
"I'm Miss Fenwick. How may I help you?"
"I'd like to stop payment on a check."
"That's not nice, Sir."
"Yes, I know?just do it!"
"Certainly, Sir. What is your account number?"
I gave her the number, which I am unable to divulge in this article for
obvious reasons.
"And your Pin number?"
"My what?"
"You're Pin number. You know P?I?N?Pin?"
"I don't like to give that number out."
"You can trust me, Sir."
"Ok!" I answered as I gave her the number.
"Is your name, George?"
"Yes it is."
"Do you live at your address?"
"Huh?"
"Is your address the same as your residence?"
"What kind of question is that?"
"Our series of questions are designed to stifle those who would
otherwise gain access to your account and suck the very blood out of
your assets. The system works, Sir! Let's continue?Is your address the
same as your residence?
"Yes"
"What is your address?"
I told her.
"What is your mother's maiden name?"
I told her.
"What is your favorite color?"
I told her. "How am I doing?"
"Very good, Sir, you haven't missed any. How many illegitimate children
do you have?"
"Ah, I'm not sure??ya know Miss Quigley?"
"They did a check?her husband is the father, Sir."
"Whew, that was too close! I can now safely answer, one."
"Very good, Sir! What did you have for breakfast?"
"Corn Flakes."
"I'm sorry, Sir, we cannot verify your account?click!"
"No, No, it wasn't corn flakes! It was oatmeal! Why did I say corn
flakes? I had oatmeal for my cholesterol?not corn flakes. Corn Flakes
just popped-out!"
I gritted my teeth and squeezed the phone at the realization I would
have to take the test over. I grabbed a post-it, wrote down "oatmeal",
and dialed again.
"Fool me once?" I thought as I answered each and every question
flawlessly.
"Your account has been verified. How can I help you?"
"I told you an hour ago, Miss Fenwick, I want to stop payment on a
check!"
"You don't have to be so snippy, Sir."
"I'm sorry, but my doctor told me I only have about forty years to live
so I'd like to get this check cancelled before I die."
"I believe we can beat the clock, sir. What is the amount of the
check?"
"Thirty-five dollars and ninety cents."
"Can you repeat that for verification?"
"What do you want?I spelled it out for ya?"
"I'm sorry, Sir, you don't have that much in your account. Before we
can stop payment you'll have to make a deposit equal to or greater than
the amount of the check."
"Huh?"
"You better hurry, Sir, we're closing soon because of the
robbery."
"This is ridiculous!" I yelled as I threw down the phone and ran out of
the house. To put it mildly, I was flustered.
As I sped to the bank with pedal to the medal, a cop pulled me
over.
"Where's the fire?" he asked.
"Boy, you're original!"
"What was that?"
"Oh, nothing. Officer, can you give me a break? My wife is having a
baby."
"Well, where is she?"
"Oh, My God!" I yelled as I pretended hysteria, "I forgot her!"
"Well you better go back and get her!" he laughed, "and watch your
speed!"
"Ha Ha!" I said as I flew around the block, "That little performance
has gotten me out of a lot of tickets."
Within moments I pulled up in front of the bank. I ran toward the door
but got tangled in the yellow police line tape. It stuck to me and I
frantically tried to remove it as the cop I just eluded pulled up in
his cruiser.
"Aha!" he said as he walked over to me and began to write in his ticket
book, "So your wife is having a baby, huh? How many times have you used
that line?"
Suddenly a squad of highly trained camouflaged paramedics burst out of
the bank with Miss Quigley and her newborn on a gurney. She noticed me
standing there and said, "George!"
I smiled and answered, "Trudy!"
The cop tore a page from his book and said, "Well I'll be!"
I slithered into the bank undetected. There were no lines for the
tellers. I went to the first window.
"Ahem!" I sounded out, as everyone seemed to be standing around.
"We're closed, Sir!" said an irritating female voice.
"Oh, I think not!" I replied.
"We just had a robbery."
"Get over it lady!"
"The bank is closed for the rest of the day."
"Well the sign on your door says your hours are from nine to four, so
you better open up or I'm going to sue you for every red cent in this
bank!"
"What can I do for you?" she asked as she suddenly appeared in the
window and began booting up her computer.
"I'd like to make a deposit, and don't play any games with me. Just
take this hundred dollars and put it in my account. Here's my
card."
She took the money, took the card, punched a few keys, and said, "Very
good, Sir, you're account has been credited."
"Good!" I answered. "Now I want to stop payment on a check."
"What is the check number, Sir?"
"0000000000003"
She looked at her screen and punched more keys, "That check has already
been cashed, Sir?too bad!"
"How could it be cashed? I didn't have enough money in my
account?"
"That's why you didn't have enough money, because the check was cashed.
It took your balance below allowable limits."
"Oh!"
"Good news, Sir! The check was cashed this morning. The deposit you
just made on the same day raises your balance above allowable limits.
You won't have to pay an insufficient balance service charge."
"Oh, Goodie! I saved a dollar."
"Actually you saved Seventy-five dollars, Sir."
"Seventy-five dollars?"
"Yes, Sir, our penalties are as severe as the law allows, and then
some."
"Ha Ha!" I said as I laughed all the way home from the bank. I saved
seventy-five dollars! I may have gone through hell, but the end
justifies the means. They ripped me off for $35.90, but I saved $75.00,
so I came out way ahead. If I did the same thing everyday I could make
a decent living.
I hurried into the house to call all of my friends and relatives to
tell them the good news?but the phone was broken?