not an end

TW: self-harm, suicidal thoughts, etc. sorry guys. rough night, and this is more a stream of thoughts that were screaming at me.

i don't
want to be
anything. i
want to stop time.
i want to lay on the
floor and cry until i am
no longer seventy-five percent
water.

i want to stop burning up,
and stop being cold. i feel
untouched. if that isn't the
saddest thing to be, then i
don't know what is.

my scars
don't belong to me,
even though i put them there.
my hands move in an attempt to create,
but in fact, all they do is make
desperate attempts at an escape
from solitude.

i'm suppressing the urge to cough.
i didn't do tonight's homework. i don't
want to feel any air in my lungs. there
aren't tears in my eyes, because i am
apathetic. i don't care anymore.
please stop crying.

i'm sorry. my hands are shaking again.
i'm breaking again. i'm hanging again.
i don't have an end. i don't know where
to begin. i feel the knife in my chest,
resting in my rib cage. if i aim just right,
i'm sure i could stab my heart.

everything is beautiful
in the dark. nonexistent and explicit.
if you do not see me, i am not here. if
you do not see me, perhaps i was never here.

don't seal me in a coffin.
burn me. turn me to ashes. i don't
want this body back. i don't want this
returned to me. i've finished. turn me into
nothing. dreams have to come true sometime.

i am not cutting tonight.
i will not cut tonight. i will
not starve tomorrow. i will not
count calories. i will not cut.

it's on the book shelf
it's on the book shelf
it's in the dictionary
i put my blade in the dictionary
next to a lovely word. i will not
cut tonight, even though i am wasting.
i will not cut tonight. lonely
cannot describe it, and painful
cannot help it, and my mind
is racing.

i will not cut tonight.
i will not bolt tonight.
over two months free of self-harm.
i will not cut tonight.

every day
i feel the equivalent of
putting my hand on the stove top
just from waking up.

i feel a noose around my throat
as i swallow my pills.

i taste the metallic poison
in my mouth as i force myself
to smile at a friend.

my scars are red,
like they're still bleeding,
still weeping, still counting
the moments.

i will not cut tonight.
i will not starve tomorrow.
painful cannot help me.