Rules for blokes

This is dedicated to David Houston, who I met through ABC, a week
later he let me piss on his face..

THE RULES FOR BLOKES

1. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master
b. After wrecking your boss's car.
c. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
d. When your Date is using her teeth

4. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

5. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running
late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you
have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the
classic 1-10 scale.

6. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man (in fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
optional).

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who's playing.

10. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.

12. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see
nothin'.

14. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink
as much beer as the other sports watchers.

15. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and
threw it into a ceiling fan.

16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

17. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

18. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.

19. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

20. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you
are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up
if necessary.

21. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about
what a big mistake it was.