Pass the red stuff

Pass the Red Stuff by J.B. Pravda

Much was at stake, although most observers and virtually all
participants could fairly be said to have been oblivious to the
implications: the Final Round of the year's most prestigious spelling
bee had been marred by a seemingly insoluble dilemma over the proper
term, and spelling, of America's favorite ubiquitous condiment-----was
it 'ketchup' or 'catsup'? Unable to come to any supportable
conclusions, both spellings were accepted, leading to the
disgruntlement of the two finalists' factional family members &;
friends who, in an outburst of what was both uncouth and eerily
appropriate, lambasted the stage, the judges and anyone and anything in
the vicinity with overripe tomatoes; in bizarre keeping with the still
extant controversy, no press coverage was given the unfortunate events
inasmuch as the editors and producers, having contacted the judges,
could not agree upon which word to use, the indirect tragic result of
which was a growing overproduction of the condiment------Reagan no
longer being there to steer 'the course' of supply of this, once,
foodstuff------leading to a steep drop in producer prices, in turn
causing the bankruptcy of virtually all hamburger restaurants
worldwide. Cynical broadcasters, nicely skirting the controversy,
simply played the catchy tune "You say tom-ah-to, I say tom-eh-to" in a
effort to defuse the controversy and distract the burger-deprived from
unforeseeably desperate antisocial acts, increased mustard production
by the opportunistic French proving problematic at best.