Home improvements

February 12th :- Gav opens his birthday presents and groans a little
at the present from his mother, a book on Feng Shui. Not his sort of
thing at all. He's a grounded fellow, believing in facts and
science.

Still, he muses, it must be hard for mum to get anything that would be
suitable - she has no idea, now he lives in another city, what sort of
music or books he likes and as for clothes? At least she bothered to
send a present. He'll thank her for it when he telephones and pretend
that he likes it.

March 9th :- Gavin finishes running the hot water in the bath and adds
some cold. He realises that he has nothing to read in the bath, which
is what he likes to do. "Fun with Feng Shui" is the only thing in the
house he hasn't read to death.

As usual, it is a monkey-bath (the sort that makes him go 'ho, ha-hoo'
with the heat when he gets in) and once he adjusts to the temperature,
he starts flicking through the book. Lots of rubbish about centering
and colours of strength. The bathroom illustrated in the book was the
same colour as his, cornflower blue - that was probably a good thing,
if he believed in it. It had the same silver-framed round mirror above
the sink too, and the chrome beaker to hold a red hard-bristled
toothbrush.

Gav screws up his face and sits upright in the bath - photo, room,
room, photo. They're identical. He leafs through the rest of the book.
All of the photographs are exact matches of his house, every piece of
furniture, and every colour.

Some sort of wind-up, he thinks. One of his mates works in graphics,
had put the book together to give him a scare. But it was mum that gave
him the book, not Singer. And it would've been quite an expensive
joke.

March 10th :- Gav overcomes his doubts about the book and starts
reading some of it. Buried amongst the feng shui nonsense are some
startling nuggets. Things that would be relevant to him and him alone
and that others would not know. For example, 'Moving the bin in your
kitchen parallel to the sink will bring job satisfaction to your
meaningless office job at Pierce Harpers' and 'moving your red armchair
two feet South will make your friend Rachael, whom you silently desire,
reevaluate you as a romantic partner'.

Gav moves the armchair. When she telephones him, he can hear something
different in her tone, her breathing.

May 14th :- 'returning your red armchair to its former position will
separate you from your lover, but with no awkwardness or regret, you
will remain friends and moving the red armchair two feet south will
reunite you.'

Gav, who is much happier in his job and is developing a six pack,
thanks to lime-scented candles, had read this particular passage many
times. As usual with women, Gav has relished the honeymoon period, but
after that has begun to feel that Rachael could sometimes be a bit
clingy, wanting to change him. He is starting to feel that he needed a
bit of space, few nights out with the lads, crack out the Playstation
again.

Gav gives the red armchair a little bit of a shove, tentatively at
first, but then puts his weight behind it.

November 24th :- Gav and Rachael are back together. It has been a
turbulent relationship, in that they have had four separations, but
their friends marvel at how civilized they have been on each occasion.
Their separations have never caused any friction between them and
Rachael never complains or questions Gav's commitments.

The freedom to have his own space makes him crave it less and less. He
is starting to feel settled with Rachael, wanting to have her around.
He asks her to move in. She suggests getting their own place, but he is
insistent on wanting to stay in the house.

Gav has been promoted at work, to a management position. His skill at
football has improved.

His searches on Amazon and in bookstores has shown no trace of "Fun
with Feng Shui" and his mother has no recollection of where she found
the book, save that when she picked it up, she had a real feeling of
'this would be perfect for Gav'.

January 8th :- The whole day at work, Gav has had the feeling that ants
have been crawling over his flesh, he rolls up his sleeves again and
again to look for them, occasionally slapping his flesh. The feeling
makes him feel so unwell that he goes home early.

There is a new lamp in his living room, a standard lamp. He stares at
it with horror, as the ants crawl on him. He hugs Rachael, makes small
talk, all the while thinking about getting the book and finding out
what this lamp is doing to him.

The lamp has to go. The book is immovable on this point. No
repositioning will help. That lamp, while it is in the house will give
him nothing but torment. This is the first time that Gav realises that
not everything in the book is a blessing. The lamp has to go.

While persuading Rachael of this, Gav finds himself asking her to marry
him. She says yes, the lamp goes, the ants stop crawling.

May 5th :- Gav takes much more interest in the contents of the wedding
list than any man has ever done. He is very particular about what
household objects can and cannot go on the list.

Rachael queries this and suggests plans for redecoration. Gav declines
as politely as possible. "I'm just a bit obsessive about the way things
are, " he tells her, "This house has brought me great fortune. Like
you, for example. "

March 23rd :- The book says, 'painting your living room in a warm
yellow shade will enable you to have a physically satisfying and
demanding affair with Fiona, that will have no strings attached'

Christ, thinks Gav, repainting. Couldn't I have just moved a vase, or
put some pebbles in a bowl ?

June 16th :- Perhaps as a result of some guilt, perhaps just because he
loves her, Gav puts three wooden shelves up in the bathroom, which will
result in Rachael getting a promotion at work and passing her
professional accounts exams.

July 2nd :- Other people marvel that whatever Gav eats, he never seems
to put on any weight. He receives praise at Pierce Harper's annual
dinner and is made Area Manager. Although the job now means him driving
for an hour to get to work, he doesn't contemplate leaving his
house.

August 4th :- Gav comes home, when he opens the door, there are
suitcases in the hall and a trestle-table. A page torn from a book is
on top of the larger suitcase. He picks up the page, which reads
'painting your living room in a warm yellow shade will enable you to
have a physically satisfying and demanding affair with Fiona, that will
have no strings attached'

Gav gulps and Rachael comes out of the living room, with a fat brush in
hand, thick with paste. She has a look of fierce triumph on her
face.

The living room is no longer a warm shade of yellow. Instead, haphazard
pasting of striped wallpaper covers every foot of wall. The paper is
not straight, it weaves crookedly, there are bubbles in it. It looks
horrific. A job obviously done in a rush.

"What have you done ? " he cries.

Rachael holds up the book, and reads aloud, "Putting up striped
wallpaper in the living room will mean divorce, in which your wife will
get the house. "