To be Frank with you

To be Frank with you
Dear Diary
I am aware that I have neglected you for the last fifteen years or so,
however, I have decided now to make amends, Mel says that apparently by
writing down your inner thoughts and emotions it should make you relax
about things more, this isn't why I'm doing it of course, I'm really
just bored, being a student I have so much spare time on my hands. My
mum keeps telling me to get a girlfriend, that would certainly take up
some of my time, and a lot of my money I'm sure. At least I'm playing
football tomorrow, no doubt I'll get injured, but I can go out and get
pissed afterwards.

Dear Diary
Once again I turn to you, I don't know if you'll be able to help,
please feel free to shout out any suggestions you may have. I'm in love
with a man who doesn't love me, find me attractive? yes, Love me? no.
Last week we slept together, I don't know why, it was a silly thing to
do, and he's avoided me ever since. What should I do? I suppose I
should really ask someone else for advice, as the chances of you
replying to me are fairly slim, but Leanne is away in Wales for a week
and James always seems to be playing football or some other game that
men seemingly play in order to prove who has the biggest balls.

Dear Diary
I have reached an important decision; I refuse to tell my innermost
thoughts and feelings to someone called diary so, from now on, I'm
going to refer to you as Frank. You can always trust a Frank I reckon,
except perhaps for Frank Butcher on Eastenders. Anyway Frank, I've
decided to spend the day in bed after yesterdays football, eighty
minutes stood on the side of the pitch waiting to be brought on, it was
bloody freezing, my legs were frozen solid by the time our brilliant
captain told me to warm up, I thought they were going to snap off. It
hardly seemed worth it somehow. Anyway we, I say we but it was hardly
my fault, lost 3-0. I've decided to take up tennis instead, a good
sport that doesn't use substitutes, a bit like badminton, which, legs
permitting, I should be playing this afternoon with Mel (the only
person I can beat).

Dear Diary
Am playing James at badminton this afternoon so hopefully I'll have a
chance to talk to him and seek out his advice, although I'm fairly sure
what it will be. I'm not in the best of moods today having missed an
important sports studies meeting because the poster only went up
yesterday. I'm sure they do it deliberately to catch you out.
Its Christmas already I cant believe it. It'll soon be the last night
of the bar which generally involves getting as pissed as you can before
midnight.

Dear Frank
Wahey! It'll soon be last night of the bar, then I get to use my real
talents! We played badminton, at the same time some freaks were using
the other half of the court to play basketball, although judging by the
standard they were playing at, I think that maybe I should take it up.
Every time they scored they let out a big roar which, thankfully,
wasn't very often. Mel seemed quiet, most unlike her.

Dear Diary
Well we played badminton, James won as usual but I didn't get the
chance to talk to him because of the idiots playing basketball. James
asked me if anything was wrong but I was hardly going to spill out my
inner feelings in front of several, six foot tall orang-utans throwing
balls around. I still really don't know what I should do. James is
insistent on a drinking competition at the last night of the bar, you
never know, it may help to take my mind off things.

Alright Frank
I'm really getting quite excited about the last night of the bar
particularly the drinking competition I've organised. Mel is always
going on about what a hard drinker she is, it must be a scouse thing,
anyway my house mate Paul is also participating. Paul is from Sheffield
and likes to think he's a gritty Yorkshireman but he can't drink to
save his life, I swear I caught him practising last night by downing
pints of water.

Dear Diary
Leanne came back from Wales today, although I haven't yet had the
chance to talk to her as she's spent all day with her boyfriend
Douglas. Naturally James has already roped the pair of them into his
drinking competition which could be nasty cos Douglas is possibly the
worst drinker I have ever seen. I think James is getting a little bit
carried away with the whole thing, having said that there's still no
way he'll beat me!

Frank
The big day is nearly upon us. Me and Paul prepared for tomorrow's
duel as one should, by having a Chinese take away from Changs, although
I admit I am growing slightly concerned that I may be paying too many
visits to our favourite Chinese, particularly when Mrs Chang asked us
if we were having the usual and the fact that when we left she said
'see you next week'. Of course we probably will see her next week but
its the principle that she expects it that bothers me.

Dear Diary
At last I got to speak to Leanne and its a good job I did, I thought I
was going to explode if I kept it inside any longer. Not that Leanne
told me anything I couldn't have told myself, that I should forget
about Trev and find someone who isn't actually a tosser. But that's
easier said than done isn't it? Its not like you turn your emotions on
and off like a tap and I'm still in love (is that the right word? maybe
infatuated would be better) with him. Still, it felt good to get it off
my chest. I'm actually quite looking forward to tomorrow now and to
think that James claims that I'm a bad influence on him!

Dear Frank
I'm going to be honest and admit that I can't actually remember who
won last night. What I do know is that Paul vomited after six shots
which surely rules him out and that Douglas had to be carried or to be
more specific, dragged, home early by Leanne which, in my opinion rules
those two out as well, although Leanne contests that decision and is
demanding a re-match without Douglas. As to who won between myself and
Mel I'm really not sure. Mel broke down in tears as soon as soon as me
and Paul had walked her home. At first I thought that she was upset
because I'd won but I followed her to her room just in case. Anyway it
turns out that she's in love with some git called Trev and is really
heartbroken, obviously drunken hugs of comfort were in order and we
ended up talking till five in the morning! Needless to say I am
absolutely knackered now. I'm so glad that I'm not in love with anyone,
there surely can be no worse feeling than to love someone and not have
them love you back, oops there I go getting all reflective, there must
still be some alcohol left in my bloodstream.

Dear Diary
Last night I once again learnt that alcohol and a broken heart are a
bad combination. I broke down in tears on James last night, although he
was very good about it, I'm very lucky to have him for a friend, he
should get himself a nice girlfriend although he always laughs at me
when I tell him this. I think he wants one really though, he just wont
admit it.

Frank
I had to put up with a day of piss taking from Paul. Was it just me or
did his usual dull wit suddenly become razor sharp, actually it didn't,
but his crap jokes still pissed me off, dirty stop out etc. very funny.
Naturally I explained, as he well knows, that me and Mel are just best
mates and that she's like a sister to me more than anything else,
although, I suppose with him coming from Sheffield, saying that
someone's like a sister probably means that you want to shag them.
Still if I ever got myself a girlfriend I'd hope her to be like Mel,
she does deserve someone pretty brilliant.

Dear Diary
I think that I'm gradually getting over Trev. It helps that I'm
spending so much time with James at the moment. I don't think he minds
although this has resulted in both of us drinking a hell of a lot more.
I've got sorrows to drown, I think that James is just an alcoholic. I
know I'm getting over Trev though because I found one of James' friends
particularly attractive and told James so. I don't think James was very
impressed but then I suppose I cant really expect him to turn round and
reply 'Yes he has a really sexy bum doesn't he?'

Oh Crap Frank
Now I don't want to over react and I'm aware that there was quite a
substantial quantity of alcohol in my bloodstream at the time, but I
think I may have gotten jealous today with regards to Mel! I really do
hope it is the alcohol working but I really am worried. Could Paul's
jibes have possibly set off a reaction deep within my emotional
subconsciousness? I really hope not, it would never work, I support
Everton and she supports Liverpool for one thing. Crap.

Dear Diary
What can I say? I think I may well be ninety nine point nine per cent
over Trev. At the moment the only man in my life is James and that
suits me nicely, I could do with being single for a bit anyway. Leanne
thinks that James is acting a bit strange but I can't say that I've
noticed anything.

Frank help,
What can I say, the situation is spiralling out of control, I found
myself thinking that Mel looked rather attractive today. Why? I see her
every day and never have I thought before, wow you're beautiful, or
have I? The point is I haven't really thought about it before, she was
always just Mel. Mel my friend, someone I could have a laugh with. This
is bad, I need help. I've started to get a strange feeling in my
stomach. I might go and have a Wang's while I've still got an
appetite.

Dear Diary
Its not just Leanne that seems to think James is acting strange, other
people do too. Again I can't say I've noticed anything myself but I'll
keep an eye out for it. The most crazy theory came from Pat (who I've
never much liked anyway) who thinks that James fancies me! A very
amusing thought I'm sure. We're all going clubbing tonight so I may get
him pissed and find out if anything is wrong.

Frank
I can honestly say that last night was, without a doubt the worst
night of my entire life and, let me tell you, I've had some bad ones.
That little feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was telling you
about, was, by the time we came to go out, a very big feeling and Mel
looked more attractive to me than ever. I actually felt ill. Anyway I
had made up my mind to get over this problem myself, no-one need know
about it, its just a silly infatuation that's all and besides, usually
when I tell people about these things matters always spin out of
control and I end up making a fool of myself. Unfortunately for me this
plan failed for two main reasons.

1. I was very very drunk
2. Some of my friends from home were also out that night.

Now usually when you're at university seeing some of your childhood
friends at
random is a pleasant surprise and so it should've been this time as I
bumped into Dave and Andy on my way back from the bar. Naturally I was
delighted to see them and I insisted on introducing them to everyone
and that's where the problem started. Mel was whispering to Leanne and
looking at my friends, now with these being friends of mine I assumed
that Mel was no doubt taking the piss out of them. I couldn't have been
further from the horrific truth. 'So what are you two whispering
about?' I asked casually. Mel looked at me and replied 'I find your
friend Andy really attractive'
It was like a dagger through my heart. Actually it was like someone
had kneed me in the balls, kicked me in the shins and drove a dagger
through my heart. And then hit me over the head with a very large club.
A very large club with a nail in it. A rusty nail. What's worse was it
must have actually looked like that was what had happened to me, as Mel
took me to one side to ask what was wrong. Naturally I mumbled
'nothing' in a way that unintentionally implied 'yes something is very
very wrong indeed' and so Mel pressed me to tell her. Now at this point
I thought I was doing well and I flatly refused to tell her, I didn't
want to put our friendship on the line and I held out very stubbornly
until she played her trump card. 'I think I know what's wrong.' Oh
crap. I thought my heart had actually stopped beating and when I looked
into her eyes I knew that she knew. 'Is it what I think it is?'she
pressed. I was cornered, ambushed, emotionally drained and, of course,
completely and utterly bladdered. Looking back I suppose she could have
been asking 'do you have a secret fetish for mountain gorillas?' but I
thought it was far more likely that she had somehow guessed very
accurately what was the matter and here she was, stood before me,
demanding an answer and I was in no doubt that she would see straight
through a lie. I could never successfully lie to Mel at the best of
times and I was in no condition to pull of a great piece of
Shakespearean acting, so I answered the question 'Is it what I think it
is?' with a question. 'Would it make any difference if it is?' to
which, she of course, gave the most annoying and confusing answer she
could possibly have given. 'I don't know'. Like what was that supposed
to mean? I don't know what? I don't know if this will stop me shagging
your best mate? I don't know if we can still be friends? I don't know
if I am attracted to you too? I mean are women genetically programmed
to confuse men or what? She then asked what is probably the most stupid
question I have ever been asked or will ever be asked ever again. 'I
wont do anything about Andy if you don't want me to. Do you?' Well that
was a toughie, do I want the girl I've just fallen in love with to go
and snog my lifelong friend? Mmmm, call me selfish if you want Frank,
but I said that I didn't want her to. It was then she did something
that I didn't expect and something that at first surprised me, then
confused me, but eventually caused me to love her, as my friend, more
than I ever had done before. She held me, and when we left the club she
held my hand and wouldn't let go. Now I know I was pissed and I know
she was pissed but in my opinion it was the best thing she could have
done and it says a lot for the merits of alcohol cos there's no way it
would have happened like that sober. I've decided that alcohol
sometimes gets a bad press that it doesn't totally deserve.
Needless to say I didn't sleep much last night. I now love Mel as my
friend more than I thought possible but I still find her unbelievably
attractive. Bugger. We're playing badminton this afternoon, it should
be interesting.

Dear Diary
Well Leanne, and to be more accurate, Pat, it seems were right. James
is in love with me. I have to admit it came as bit of a surprise, we've
known each other for a long time. I found out last night at the club.
The point is I love James but I'm not in love with him. I know he'd
make a great boyfriend but as I've said before you can't turn your
emotions on and off like a tap. This may sound weird but if I could
choose to, I'd fall in love with James just like that, but that's not
how the world works. We're playing badminton this afternoon which is a
good thing I think. It may have been awkward if we'd left some time
before seeing each other after last night.

Dear Frank
Well we played badminton and I suppose everything will be fine in
time. I'll get over it. Its been a pleasure, thanks for listening mate
but I can't help but think that life was so much simpler before I
started talking to you. I'm sure one day I may look back and read this
and laugh and maybe even let you know how things turn out. As I've said
its been a pleasure, take it easy mate.
James.

Dear Diary
As you might expect James was a bit quiet during badminton we didn't
talk about last night which didn't surprise me. I'm sure James will be
fine in time, after all, I was with regards to Trev and besides, he'll
always have me for a friend. I'm going to Paris with my course next
week and I promised him I'd send him a postcard. Unfortunately this
means I wont be writing for a while.
Love,
Leanne xxx

Frank
How have you been? Its been a long time I know, yet these last ten
years have just flown by. I suppose you may want to know what I've been
up to? Well would you believe it I'm actually a tennis coach! It looks
like the change of sport was one of the best things I ever did. Anyway
I promised to let you know how things turned out and I'm here to do
just that. Did I mention that Mel went to Paris? Anyway I had a really
bad feeling all week even though I got a postcard. Well it turned out
that my bad feeling wasn't just my imagination as she started seeing
this lad from her course after the trip. Anyway for a change this guy
wasn't a dick and lets just say that Mel is expecting her third baby
anytime now! They named their first son James and I'm determined to
turn him into a future Wimbledon champion. As for me? Well I'm still
single but at least I'm happy. One of these days I may get desperate
and join a dating agency but I still dig being an eligible bachelor it
is quite a cool status you must admit. Besides I have my friends, I
really get on well with a fellow coach, Rachel, and we often go for a
game of badminton to get a break from tennis. Maybe I'll speak to you
in another ten years.
Look after yourself Frank mate.
James.