Fantasy Football

Fantasy Football

The Lord Of Darkness sat in the throne room of Castle Evil, center of
the Dark Realm and pondered. There was a storm outside (there usually
is in the Dark Realm) and rain lashed against the window. Occasionally
a flash of lightning revealed the wilderness outside; vast mountain
ranges and forests full of withering trees. If you listened hard
enough, you could just about hear the scream of agonized victims from
the dungeon above the din of thunder. Two skeletal warriors stood guard
at the foot of the staircase leading to the throne. At the bottom of
the staircase huddled together in their subservience were a mixture of
vampires, zombies, werewolves and several other creatures indigenous to
the Dark Realm, about twenty in all. Finally the Lord of Darkness
looked up, at least his head moved into an upright position his face
concealed by the shadow created by his hood. "I'VE DECIDED" the voice
sent shivers down the spine of even the largest Werewolf, "I'VE DECIDED
THAT WE ARE GOING TO PLAY A 3-5-2 FORMATION TOMORROW, I WILL PUT THE
TEAM SHEET ON THE DUNGEON DOOR AT MIDNIGHT"

"If we play the elves on the wing your highness, we can fully utilize
their pace and it should give more space for Sparky the Cyclops down
the middle." King Fergal sighed, he was getting too old for this, soon
it would be time for Prince Beckley, the golden haired son of the King,
to take over the running of the team, but he wasn't quite ready yet. At
the moment Prince Beckley was more interested in fast chariots and the
latest girl bards, no, it looked like for a good few years yet, the
fate of the Kingdom would remain on the old King's shoulders. "What
about Gunthar the Barbarian?" the King asked his chief advisor, Ernest
the Wizard, "If I recall, he scored a hat-trick last month in that
friendly match against the Fairy Islands"
"Yes, that is correct you highness, unfortunately he's torn his
Achilles tendon battling Orcs last week and will be out for several
months"

It hadn't always been like this. Once, many years ago the Kingdom of
Light and the Dark Realm were constantly at war, Vampires would attack
virgins (or the closest thing they could find) and Knights would slay
Dragons. There was much bloodshed in the world. The God of Darkness was
quite happy with this existence, apart from the odd slain dragon and
staked vampire, there was much misery in the world and that was the way
he liked it. The God of Light surprisingly wasn't too displeased
either, okay so there were a severe lack of virgins, and, as soon as
the stories about vampire's preferences and virgin sacrifices got out,
the teenage pregnancy rate did rocket a bit but there were quests for
heroes to go on, and damsels in distress and basically it gave him
something to do. It was the God of Neutrality who wasn't happy. The
constant warring between sides had resulted in much of nature being
destroyed, trees were chopped down, animals were slaughtered and smoke
from sacked villages polluted the air. It seemed like he'd got the bum
deal. Then, one day, the God of Neutrality had a visit from his nephew.
His nephew had just been on one of these God exchange programs and had
just spent the last two weeks living with the God of a place called
Earth. Whilst there his nephew had discovered a game called football,
and just couldn't stop talking about it "It's a bit like over here,
Earth is" he said
"What do you mean?" replied the God of Neutrality
"Well they have forces of good and evil too, only they're called
differen't things"
"Like what?"
"Well, they were a bit vague on what was good, but they were pretty
clear on their name for Evil"
"And, what was it?"
"Manchester United"
Well the God of Neutrality was unsure about a lot of that, his nephew
was prone to exaggeration from time to time, but this game of football
gave him an idea, and almost certainly a way to solve his
problem.

"No, look, offside is when there are no defending players between an
attacking player and the goal when the ball is played through. Unless
the attacking player is still in his own half of the pitch" The other
two Gods looked confused.
"Are you sure there is definitely no killing involved in this game?"
asked the God of Darkness for the twelfth time that day.
"That's the point" the God of Neutrality replied wearily "No killing,
no fighting, no raping, just a game"
"Well I don't see the point in that" sulked Darkness
"The point is the winner gets the season ticket."
"Ah yes" interjected the God of Light "I've been meaning to ask, and
the season ticket is?"
"The winner of season ticket is allowed the freedom of the world,
however the loser is confined to their own realm"
"So what you are saying" inquired Darkness "Is that if I win, my boys
can still go into the Kingdom of Light, steal, rape, pillage and the
rest, but at the same time I don't have to worry about Dragons going
missing or being left with a sack of dust where I used to have a
vampire?"
"Exactly, but instead of waging a war to achieve this, tearing up my
forests, polluting my air.." the other two Gods looked at the floor
sheepishly "..all you have to do is win a ninety minute game of
football. Unless it goes into extra time, golden goal or penalty
shootout"
"Golden Goal?" said the God of Light
"Penalty shootout?" said the God of Darkness "Now that sounds more
like it"

It took a while, but eventually all the finer details were agreed upon,
how many substitutes, who got the home dressing room, that sort of
thing and so it was that the land had been war free for many years. But
this peace came at a price for the losing team. As King Fergal's
predecessor once said about the game, "It's not a matter of life and
death, its far more important than that".

For the past ten years the Kingdom of Light had won the match. King
Fergal had been proven to be a master tactician and the Kingdom had
prospered. Teenage pregnancies had gone down and so had the number of
unexplained deaths. The key to King Fergal's victories had been
simplicity in itself. After his first victory, following a tense
penalty shootout, he fully utilized the 'season ticket' and sent
Knights into the Dark Realm to kill the best players that the Dark Lord
had at his disposal. For the first time in many years the King was
worried though, only one of his Knights had returned from the eleven
that had set out, okay, so the Dark Lord would have to find a new
Dragon to keep goal, but what of the others? If his other Knights had
failed this could be the closest game in many years.

The big day finally arrived, the match was always played on the top of
Tabletop Mountain where a magnificent stadium had been constructed
specifically for the purpose. Hordes of men, dwarfs, elves and several
other races from the Kingdom of Light made their way up the east side
of the mountain many of them decked out in white scarves and hats, up
the west side came the dwellers from the Dark Realm, orcs, goblins,
vampires, werewolves, trolls and ogres plus many creatures that defied
description, the atmosphere was electric as the massed crowds awaited
the arrival of the horse-drawn team coaches.
King Fergal sat in the Kingdom of Light dressing room waiting for his
team to arrive, he was a worried man. "What if all the other Knights
failed?" he asked Ernest "I've heard they have this new center forward,
Count Van Klaus, he's supposed to be red hot, 12 caps for Transylvania
and really looks after himself, he only drinks blood from the prettiest
virgins"
"We could man mark him your highness"
"Who should we use?"
"How about Vince?"
"The Vampire Hunter? Use a vampire hunter to man mark a vampire? Well
it's a crazy idea but it might just work?"

The team carriages had arrived and the teams had gone into the stadium
to change, several of the Kingdom of Light star players had stopped to
sign autographs, none of the Dark Realm players bothered,it probably
had something to do with most of them not being able to write. The
stadium was filling up, the match was played at night as many of the
Dark Realm players were uncomfortable in daylight, many of them having
the unfortunate habit of turning to dust or stone if exposed to the
sun's rays. As a result four huge torches burned brightly, one in each
corner of the stadium, to illuminate the pitch. The crowd cheered as
the teams emerged onto the pitch to begin their pre-match warm
up.

"And thank you for joining us. Today's game sees the Kingdom of Light
take on the Dark Realm at Tabletop Mountain. Joining me here in the
studio are The God of Light, The God of Darkness and The God of
Neutrality, Gods thanks for joining us"
The God of Darkness turned to the God of Neutrality "What's he going
on about?" Neutrality shrugged, he was beginning to regret accepting
his nephew's invite to watch the game, first they were ushered into a
strange room with a big table emblazoned with 'match of the year' in
the middle of it, and now his nephew kept talking to a big metal object
that was pointed at them, as if it was a person.
"Now, God of Darkness, ten years without a win, how does that effect
confidence?"
Neutrality's nephew went on like this for some time, then suddenly he
put his hand to his ear and said "actually I'll have to interrupt you
for a minute gentlemen, it looks like the teams are about to kick-off"
The three Gods turned to see an image of the match magically appear on
the wall beside them. The God of Darkness turned to the God of Light
"Did you bring the beer?"
"Certainly did, can or a bottle?"

'this isn't too bad' thought the God of Neutrality, 'if only my nephew
would stop giving us a running commentary'

"And here we are for the 176th annual football match between the
Kingdom of Light and the Realm of Darkness, it looks like the Kingdom
of Light have won the toss and have elected to kick off. Lightfoot the
Elf passes it Sparky the Cyclops to start the match. Sparky pumps it
long up the field and it's brought down by Bloodgut the Ogre, a big
presence at the back for the Dark Realm, hang on a minute he's stood on
the ball, the match will have to be stopped while they change
footballs?." The God of Neutrality's nephew went on like this for the
whole of the first half, which despite one or two half chances ended
without either side scoring. "And at the half-way stage the match
remains goalless, lets have a word with our guests in the studio to see
what they made of it. Darkness, what do you make of your side's first
half performance?"
"Chuffin awful, I had a tenner on the first goal to be in the
thirtieth minute, rubbish the lot of em."
"Right, er, thanks for that, and God of Light, what did you make of
your side's first half display? Lightfoot has really caused problems
down the left hand side, what do you think?"
"I 'hic' think thershe something wrong with thish beer, he he he you
have funny hair" Neutrality's nephew turned back towards the
'camera'
"And with those words of wisdom, wringing soundly in our ears, without
further ado lets see what happens in the second half"

"?and it's Count Van Klaus, he's got past the full back, he crosses it
the far post? Snotrot the Troll is arriving? GOOOOAAAAAL he climbed
above Gnorbert the Gnome and planted his header beyond the despairing
hooves of Richmond the Centaur, the Kingdom of Light players are
complaining there's a foul, Snotrot landed on Gnorbert who is now half
buried in the pitch, but the goal stands, Dark Realm 1 Kingom of Light
0."

King Fergal put his head in his hands, Von Klaus was causing real
problems, but nothing like the problems he'd cause if the Dark Realm
actually managed to win the match and get the season ticket.

"?Von Klaus, he beats one Elf, he beats a Dwarf he's clean through
surely? but no! He's been staked at the last minute, real drama here at
Tabletop mountain, Vince the Vampire Hunter has staked Count Von Klaus
when he was clean through on goal, Vince is protesting his innocence,
he's claiming the Vampire dived but the pile of dust sitting where the
Vampire used to be makes it an easy decision for the referee, it's a
red card for Vince, the Kingom of Light are down to ten men, and a goal
down with fifteen minutes left to play?"
The young women in the crowd started moving towards any men they could
find, no point taking any chances if the unthinkable happened?

"..only five minutes to go now, the Dark Realm are five minutes from
victory, the Kingdom of Light are streaming forward desperate for a
goal" Neutrality's nephew paused for a minute to remove the cheesy
puffs from his hair that the God of Light had flicked at him, "hang on
a minute, Prince Beckley is clean through, he's one on one with the
keeper, he's jumped round the outstretched talon, it's an unguarded
net, he shoots? he scores!!! The Kingdom of Light have equalized with
the last kick of the game to force the match into extra time! what a
story! the King's son the hero of the day, what a goal! It looks like
the Kingdom of Light may well be safe for another year?"

The Dark Lord was irritated, the casual observer could tell this by the
way he had just killed the three goblins sat nearest to him in the
stand.

"?hang on a minute, what's this? The linesman has his flag up. Its
offside, the goal wont count, and the referee blows for full time, The
Dark Realm have won! The Kingdom of Light players are surrounding the
referee, they can't believe it"

King Fergal sat with his head in his hands, what about injury time? It
took at least five minutes to dig Gnorbert out of the ground, something
was wrong.

The Dark Lord stood motionless, halfway through throttling an Orc, the
goal was disallowed? What happened next would never happen again. The
Dark Lord kissed the troll and then started jumping up and down in
celebration as the hordes of the Dark Realm wasted no time in taking
full advantage of 'the season ticket' streming into the Kingdom of
Light. They had ten years catching up to do.

The God of Neutrality's nephew turned to his uncle, "So what happened?
I thought your referee was supposed to be impartial? Everyone can see
it wasn't offside"
"No, my referee is supposed to be neutral. The Kingdom of Light has
won for the past ten years, it upsets the balance of the world, so you
see the Dark Realm were always going to win never in doubt" the God of
Neutrality got up and walked towards the door, just before he walked
out he stopped and turned "Besides, the God of Darkness has promised to
build me a new temple."