Aquamarine

Julia pushed her toes against the hot grainy sand and rolled over
onto her side. Staring up at the sky, she traced the encompassing blue
out to its edges and all the way around with her eyes. A bowl turned
upside down: flawless and encased. Suddenly, her eyes jolted open and
Julia sat up. Pushing her dirty lank hair out of her face she stood up
and, with the heat of the sun heavy on her back, made for the rocks.
&;#8230;

They had decided to call her Julia when she had been in the world for
only a couple of hours, Karen remembered. Eight years ago now. Many
names had been debated and discarded but as soon as Jon had uttered the
three syllables, and the sound had reverberated around the room, both
knew their baby was Julia.

Neither Karen nor Jon conformed naturally to parenthood: Julia's had
not been a planned birth. Their baby daughter had been a breathtaking
creation, at whom they could gaze, motionless, for hours. Not that
Julia often allowed them. For she soon discovered her voice and Karen
and Jon were forcibly propelled into an existence of caring. But she
never forgot that unique stillness when Julia had been born- when their
surroundings halted and they were drawn into the depths of their
daughter's deep blue eyes.

Within the first few days of her birth, they realised how remarkable
she was. Through her shone endless joy. Once separated from Jon, as if
on an opposing cliff, Karen found herself inevitably descending and
their paths crossing as she met him in the middle: their relationship
became one of compromise. Days passed, months raced by turning into
years and time fled them. But for Karen and Jon this was irrelevant, as
Julia gradually assumed an importance in their lives that they would
not begin to understand until much later. &;#8230;

The house was cold, even in summer. Despite their having occupied it
for six months, it remained sparsely furnished and without carpets.
Instead they walked around on creaking floorboards, some of which threw
up dust whenever stepped on.
Karen cast a guilty look around. She should do something with it, she
knew. But everything was so tiring; she could never seem to find the
energy. Relationships were so draining, especially when strained, which
was the case between Jon and her at the moment. But if she concentrated
with enough vigour on something else, she could block that out. It was
easy, with sufficient practice.

It was a strange place, she thought. It was as if the land absorbed her
moods and fed on them- the desolate lonely marshes beneath the dramatic
sky, which loomed overhead and closed in on her surroundings. Sometimes
the gulls would cry mournfully to each other, but more often a clear
fresh silence dominated, save for the sound of the roaring sea.

It was safe, wasn't it, for Julia to play alone here? No matter how
hard Karen tried to suppress them, nagging doubts crept into her mind.
She was being irrational, again. But she couldn't help wondering. Was
it right for Julia to be wandering around and playing on her own? She
could spend all day exploring rock pools, collecting shells, splashing
in the water. She had always been a solitary child but perhaps that
wasn't healthy for an eight-year-old. Karen laughed shortly: what was
she thinking? All her life she had struggled against other people,
their opinions and those of society. Was she now becoming one of these
people, judging her own daughter? Karen knew only too well how damaging
the effects could be. Indeed, she had been like Julia when she was
eight, only she hadn't had the same affinity with nature and the
outdoors as Julia had. Karen recalled her own parents being concerned
about her often frequent desire to be alone. She remembered resolving
never to be like them. That was the trouble with parents, Karen thought
bitterly - they never lived up to expectations. &;#8230;

She'd come over the rocks, a while ago, to watch the fishing boats
return to the small pier there. She loved listening to the now familiar
chug-chug of the engines in the churning water. The fisherman called to
each other in English interspersed with Gaelic. Sometimes they showed
Julia their catch. The fish gleamed in a silver mass, their eyes wide
and disbelieving. She liked to see the crabs too, as they fumbled,
trying to escape the mesh. Usually they would be chucked back over the
side of the pier. Trapped by mistake, Julia though. Not required.
Rejects. &;#8230;

The light was slowly ebbing away and the shallow blue of the sky had
vanished. Instead, the sky hung with rolls of cloud, which were bruised
as if trickles of ink had been released onto them from some larger
world above. The setting sun was a slit in the distance: a pure tender
yellow. &;#8230;

Karen woke with a start. It was almost dark and a gale was blowing up.
Already, the wind whistled shrilly around the house. It groped at the
windows, intent on trapping anything within its powerful grasp. She'd
fallen asleep at the kitchen table, and now she flexed her aching
muscles and sat up. Her dream had been about Jon. He had been driving
away in the car, claiming never to be coming back. Karen had screamed
for him and tried to run after the accelerating vehicle as it zoomed up
the dirt track, squelching over mud and spraying dirt. But it was as if
an invisible force was restraining her, forcing her into slow motion.
Karen was trying so hard but her legs just wouldn't move fast enough.
Then the car seemed to slow down and she managed to catch up with him.
Only, when he turned to her, she gasped in shock. He was faceless, his
features a blur, a pasty white that seemed to form and deform in a mist
of waves and swirls, like the creamy crests of breakers.

Suddenly, Karen felt very alone. Jon had gone for a walk, she supposed.
She didn't miss him. But she needed him badly, a solid foundation in
her life. Her marriage was like a coin, eroded at the edges. While it
was there it was secure, even if worn, Karen thought. But the problem
was how long it would remain. It could crumble at any time - and she
had no control.

Her chair squeaked loudly against the floor as she stood up and the
sound screamed through the empty house. Karen reached for her raincoat,
which lay beside her and pulled it on. Outside, the wind roared around
her and raindrops were beginning to fall. She was foolish to come out.
Regardless, she set off down the deserted road towards the sea.

The sea always frightened her in this weather: it seemed so wild and
unforgiving. Reaching the small pier, she saw the waves crashing in and
the boats, which were normally moored there, bobbing on the surface,
were being flung in all directions with water thrashing into them. She
shivered and drew her coat more closely around her. Looking around, she
couldn't see Jon. &;#8230;

The waves were splashing in, almost up to the rock, on which Julia was
standing. She had clambered some considerable distance after the
fisherman had left, carrying their bulky catches of fish. That had been
a couple of hours ago. Julia hadn't realised how far out she'd ventured
from the pier. She could see it about twenty metres back. On it was a
dark figure. Or was there? She couldn't tell. It kept disappearing and
appearing again through the rain.

She wasn't afraid, but elated. She loved the sea and its low deep call
to her on the rocks. Further out, the water was white tipped and no
longer tinged with green but a dark blue. Julia had always liked music
and the sea seemed to have a melody all of its own. Rain began to fall,
slowly at first and then it became heavier and more forceful. It soaked
through her clothes and seeped through her whole body. Julia felt safe
from everything she had ever been afraid of: accepted whole into a
protective chamber. As the sea became rougher, she began to dance by
the rock's edge. The rain fell faster and she danced more quickly,
feeling the rhythm pulsate through her. Nothing would ever hurt her
again. Julia sensed the ocean's vast unimaginable depth. A wave soared
over her and she felt herself being carried away, down off her rock and
into the tumultuous water. &;#8230;

Suddenly, Karen saw Jon. He stood on the great hulk of rock off the
pier. He was waving to her frantically, and as she drew nearer to him
he began yelling to her over the storm. At first his words were
swallowed by the surrounding squall and all he could do was make
exaggerated gestures at her. Then, as his desperation became clear, she
caught snippets of meaning and grew numb. She watched her husband,
helplessly, as he scoured the rocks where their daughter had been
standing, and then return, frantic, to use one of the boats to search
the bay. They rocked wildly, swaying in the wind as Jon attempted to
climb into one. She tried to help; fiddling with the ropes, which
secured one to the bollard, until at last the boat was released.
At one point Karen heard herself screaming for Julia, for so long that
her voice became hoarse.
"It's no good," she croaked desperately, to her husband, tears flowing
down her cheeks. "She can't swim." Then she slumped, exhausted, to the
ground. &;#8230;

Time seemed to have been standing still as Karen waited for her
husband. Some shred of hope, somewhere inside her, served to keep her
walking steadily around in a circle on the pier. Rain had ceased to
fall and, with more light, it was as if the gale had never taken place.
An hour sneaked
past, and then another. Nothing. Her thoughts became short, firm
instructions to herself to prevent what felt like insanity. Finally,
she saw a tiny speck coming towards her from the other side of the bay.
The wind had died down completely: she could hear the engine, getting
louder and louder as the boat drew closer. On it sat one figure,
shoulders hunched, head bowed.

Jon returned to find his wife, dazed, her eyes now terror stricken. But
it was a passive fear - raw and terrible which was driving her to
denial. Julia would appear in a few moments, bright eyed and ready to
excitedly relate what she had uncovered in the world today. They would
persuade her to return to the house, and, after some argument, she
would reluctantly agree, though not until after one last walk along the
beach or spending time sitting by the pier's edge with her legs
dangling over the side. With a jolt Karen was brought back to reality
with the rumble of a vehicle in the distance: someone up early, no
doubt, to fish or simply enjoy seeing the sun rising. Another day was
about to begin. Slowly, the horror took over her mind and the appalling
realisation set in: she would never see her daughter again. Julia no
longer existed. She couldn't cry- the impossibility of what had
happened was too great. Karen gazed at the water, which was now calm,
occasionally shifting comfortably over its sandy bottom. She could see
her reflection, wavering on the surface. Jon put his arm around her
awkwardly and they stood, watching the dawn break red against the
sky.