The Charlatan

Professor Alan Riches, aged 37, was last seen 14 days ago as his
party of filmakers, anthropologists and cryptozoologists entered the
Khumbu region at the foot of Mount Everest. What makes this otherwise
routine scientific excursion so extraordinary however, is that
Professor Riches was on the trail of 'Metohkhagmi'- Tibet's very own
bigfoot. Half man- half ape, the metohkhagmi, or yeti is the stuff of
legend and has been the focus of crytozoological debate for over half a
century. Professor Riches was at the forefront of this debate and had
even self - funded this expedition to obtain footage of this mysterious
manimal.

A keen mountaineer and survival specialist, Prof. Riches is no stranger
to the harsh terrain and rapidly changing weather of the Himalayas.
However, with weather conditions in the region set to deteriorate and
no news of the crew, concern for Professor. Riches' health increases
daily. Laura Keene. CNN Khumbha.

-

"He added to the myth you know, by bloody disappearing. You know that
don't you. Bastard probably got lost on purpose. Self-funded indeed.
Now everyman and his dog believes in the Yeti. Well, not me. I'll tell
you, Bloody man in a monkey suit or a bear, always has been. Mark my
words. With that the major ejected the videotape and cast it into the
roaring open fire before draining the last of the decanter.

Major Anthony Bell was not happy. Thanks to his disappearing act 6
months ago, Alan Riches was now as famous as the myth he had wasted his
miserable life researching . And the Major was feeling the pressure.
For the last 2 decades, he had been Riches fiercest critic and greatest
enemy. And both had benefited from the controversy that followed them.
Only last year, 5 million people had tuned in to see the two of them
battle it out over cattle mutilations. But now Riches was gone and the
Major's glittering TV career was on standby. His chair on the BSJ had
been taken, the invitations to speak had dried up, and worst of all
photographs from Riches recently recovered camera had proved to be
infuriatingly inconclusive.

What's more, the major only had to turn the TV on to discover how
influential Riches theories had become. Day time chat shows had a
seemingly insatiable appetite for eyewitness testimony and cod science
to explain Riches mysterious disappearance. Whilst sombre news specials
documented the increasing "evidence" for the existence of the world's
last great ape. Riches this. Riches that. Bloody Riches everywhere. The
Major retreated to his home in Suffolk and did the only thing he could.
He sat and developed a taste for whiskey, while his bank balance
dwindled, and dreamt of a way out.

Then, just when he couldn't drink anymore, The SCEPTIC magazine offered
him the opportunity to retrace Riches footsteps. So swallowing his
considerable pride he agreed and was booked on the second flight out
from Heathrow. Anyway, he told him self, this could be the change in
fortune he needed. In one fell swoop, he could lay the ghost of Riches
to rest and set the yeti record straight once and for all.

He may even find Riches stupid body at the bottom of a ravine or in the
thick forests at the foot of the hills too. And when he did he'd
organise a big bloody press conference. and show them that stupidity,
not the supernatural had killed their hero. Chances are the damn fool
had got lost or worst still, was lying low to stir up a little interest
for his next paid holiday. Maybe he would even find the bugger alive,
like the time he found Lucan in Egypt. Yes that would be something
special. 'SCEPTIC SAVES SCIENTIST' would go coast to coast.

Either way, this would be a turning point. And by God it would be good
to get things back to normal. Then, maybe then, they would treat him
with the respect he deserved and see him for what he was - a scientific
visionary - a shining light in a sea of charlatans. Yes, this was a
moment in time to savour.

-

"Guntam, slow down. I can barely bloody breathe back here."

Aside from a bottle a day habit, the major was a relatively fit man for
his age, but the long climb had taken every ounce of energy out of his
51 year old body. Panting, he wiped the sweat off his sunburnt brow and
leant on the blade of his machete, brushing his white moustache with
his fingertips.

"How much longer Guntam for God's sake!"

"4 to 5 miles Major. Roughly 5 more miles. Are we walking too fast for
you&;#8230;haa. Don't worry. We'll camp here tonight. The mist is
coming down. In half an hour we won't be able to see a thing. You can
have your rest now major. Relax and have your rest."

Thank Christ for that. With that the major collapsed onto the thick
forest floor hyperventilating and fell into a troubled sleep.

Even in his dream he was disorientated. The tall bamboo that surrounded
him formed an impenetrable wall and thick grey mist clung to the damp
forest floor around him.

"Guntam where are you?"

Hearing no reply. He stretched, rubbed the cold earth off his fatigues
and stood.

"Guntam, you little bugger where are you?"

Crack! Nearby bamboo and the undergrowth began to rustle.

"Guntam?"

Crack! Once again, the sound of snapping wood echoed around the
forest.

"Guntam! Is that you?"

The sound was clearer now and nearer. Frozen to the spot, the major
reached for his rifle took a red cartridge from his belt and nervously
pushed it into the chamber. Click! The rifle barrel snapped into place
just as the foliage nearest to the major broke open. And the rifle was
up to his shoulder in an instant.

Suddenly Professor Riches came running out of the bushes screaming,
froth and spittle flying from his mouth. But it wasn't Riches. It was
Riches with thick black fur and terrible arms. Riches with bright white
teeth and horrible eyes. Riches, frothing and screaming the major's
name again and again and again.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh&;#8230;.

The major's scream rang across the clearing sending a shockwave through
the forest and fighting for breath, he rolled in the early morning
mist..

"Major! Are you OK? It's me Guntam. Major?"

"Yes&;#8230;&;#8230;&;#8230;Yes alright Guntam. Bloody
altitude sickness. Weird dreams. Just a dream. Just a dream. It's OK
now. It's OK. What time &;#8230;.what time is anyway?"

"Nearly dawn. Lokendra has gone on ahead to Namche Bazaar to find the
Gangmi man."

"Good, Good."

"Who&;#8230;who is this fellow anyway" spluttered the major
regaining his usual composure,
" Riches never mentioned a yeti "expert?"

"I don't know Major. None of the villagers know him, though he speaks
with a Dolpanese accent. From what I have heard though he knows the
Gangmi."

"Very well Guntam, but will you stop using that bloody word Gangmi -
the yeti is not a snowman or an ape, it's a bloody man or a bear and
I'll prove it to you!"

Guntam just nodded and squinted at the rising sun,

"Yes Major. Nir Kumar - the Gangmi hunter will be here soon."

Over Tea the Major planned out the rest of the tour. With the help of
the deluded fool who called himself the 'Gangmi Hunter' he would
retrace Riches steps, find the Buddhist gompa where Riches had
"allegedly" collected the body of his evidence from and track down the
manilla tree lair. Once there he'd collect all the samples he needed to
prove that the yeti was nothing more than a bear. And then he could
rest. Today would be the fresh start he had waited for.

Nir Kumar arrived around 9 with the lanky Lokendra in tow and even the
Major had to agree that he cut an impressive air. Impossibly tall and
flat featured he strode through the clearing barefoot, gracefully
side-stepping the thin bamboo trunks and vines and stood opposite the
major, his dark skin glinting in the weak morning sunshine. When he was
close enough to smell he smiled widely.

"Nir Kumar Major", stuttered Lokendra

"I see", replied the major sharply. "Has the cat got his tongue?"

"No, Major you will need me to translate, for I fear you will not
understand his rough accent. He is a dolpa and&;#8230;"

"Yes, Yes OK Lokendra. I've heard!"

Taking a step closer to the man, the major forced a weak smile and
began to talk in his best military voice.

"Lokendra, ask him what he knows of the yeti."

In his familiar stuttering voice Lokendra, turned and talked to the
stranger.

Nir Kumar merely nodded and a deep, resonant voice filled the
clearing.

"He says that he has been employed by the King of Nepal for over 15
years as an official Metohkhagmi observer. In this capacity, he has
seen many yeti . He has also tracked yeti and on two occasions has been
attacked by them. He is familiar with the smaller red haired and larger
black varieties. Though he has yet to see a white animal."

"Codswollop. Ha ha." The Major laughed heartily and patted Lokendras
frail shoulder.
"Anyway. Get to the important bit. Ask him if he recognises this photo
of Riches and ask him if he remembers leading him to the Gompa and the
lair."

Nir Kumar stared at two men intensely and then at the photograph before
smiling widely, only stopping to utter a long monosyllabic
phrase.

The major was still drying his eyes when Nir Kumar had finished
speaking but he was impatient to hear what the big man had to say.
Beside, the big man had a strange smell about him that the Major didn't
care for.

"Well, man? Come on, out with it."

Speaking slowly through his white chipped teeth, Lokendra replied

"He says that he took the man in the photograph to the Gompa above
Namche and then the man went on alone to the lair. The journey to the
lair will take two days and will be hazardous. The gompa we can reach
by this afternoon. However, he insists that you must acclimatise. The
air is very thin&;#8230;"

"Yes OK I get the gist. Thank Christ for that, why couldn't he just
bloody say that. Pay the man his money. And get ready."

With that he turned, smiled thinly once more at the stranger and turned
towards his tent.

"Get ready to move men, we leave in 1 hour."

"But the air major, you must &;#8230;"

"Get ready! We leave in 1 hour!"

Nir Kumar was still smiling when they left the clearing.

-

Towards Chukhung the air started to thin and the well worn backpacking
trails became spidery scratch marks in the soil. Nir Kumar led the
party at a slow methodical rate, occasionally turning back or whistling
loudly whilst the Major sweated along behind Lokendra, who's skinny,
long legs quickly covered the ground like map compasses. Guntam and
Lokendras were last with the lion's share of baggage.

As the forests gave way to barren hillsides the first signs of snow
appeared and the warm winds of the lower valleys disappeared leaving a
biting chill and a strong breeze that pinned the party to the rocky
hillside.

After an hour or two of such punishment, the major was thoroughly
exhausted.

For the fourth time in a hour he stopped and urinated noisily down the
mountainside, breathing erratically as he did so, clutching his
ribs

"Major are you OK?" asked Guntam, squinting in the bright
sunlight.

"Yes! Yes! Carry on Man! We'll stop when I'm ready."

And so it continued for hour after hour until just after 2. When Nir
Kumar stopped, sniffed the air like an animal and dropped to the
ground. The major who was glad of the rest gulped in shallow lungfuls
of air and floundered on the rocky earth, while Lokendra ran around the
big sherpa in an excited panic.

"Major!"

"What&;#8230;What is it. Can't you see I'm resting man!"

"But Major! Nir Kumar has found a footprint!"

"Oh yes, I bet he has." He whispered. "I bet the bugger has."

In truth, The Major had been expecting this event to take to take place
since they left Namche and rose slowly to his feet in anticipation. The
terrain was still rocky, so with slow steps he walked over to the site
where the two men were crouching and interrupted their
conversation.

"What is it man?"

"Look Major, gangmi."

The print in the hard brown soil was clearly visible. 4 large toes and
a giant pad had been pressed into the mountainside. But there was
nothing unusual there. A fool like Riches would have lost his mind when
he saw this, but not the Major. Anyway, he'd seen the same print 4
months ago on Riches recovered digital camera. And had argued
convincingly then, that this was more likely the work of a sherpa with
the toes pointing out of his shoes than a large ape.

After snapping two quick photos for his co-funders, the major pocketed
his camera and returned to his pack pulling it sharply to his
shoulder.

"Very good. Lokendra. Thank the man. And let's move on."

"But major&;#8230;"

"Lokendra let's go!"

But Lokendra wasn't going anywhere.

"No major. No&;#8230;I refuse to go any further."

"What! What the devil is wrong man!"

"This is the footprint of a chhelma, the guaradians of Shambhala and
the judge of dishonest men. I can go no further with you today."

"Bloody nonsense. This is the print of a sherpa or maybe a bear. Trust
me. I've seen prints like these a million times and I've never seen
anything that looks like a yeti. It's probably a bear or
something&;#8230;trust me man for Christ sake."

"I trust only my eyes Major. And I can go no further. I have no wish to
leave this world today."

"Lokendra speaks for us too Major. We will wait for your return in
Namche. Goodbye."

With that Gautum, Lokendra and Chandra turned and went back down the
slope leaving the major and Nir Kumar on the slope in silence.

"Bloody cowards! I bet Riches didn't have to put up with this
codswallop! You bloody cowards! Wait until&;#8230;"

Throwing his pack down, the Major slumped to the ground and threw his
hands up to his face. It was then he remembered Nir Kumar. Turning to
face the big man, he realised that he was kneeling in front of him and
stood quickly to recover his composure, brushing the earth from his
jacket and pack.

"Now, I&;#8230;I know you don't understand me, but we have to get
through this thing together. I've come all the way from Cambridge to
get here and I'm not going back."

Following this little speech the major outstretched his arm and pointed
in the direction of the mountains. To his surprise the flat ruddy face
just smiled back and turned to start walking again.

"Well, yes. Good. Let's go."

Picking his pack up the major followed, looking back dartingly, to see
if any of the other sherpas had changed their minds. And shortly after,
the two men returned to a steady rhythm with only the sound of the
white haired major's breathing to disturb the silence.

The red walls of the gompa stood silhouetted against the white
mountains long before the two men reached it, while green and yellow
prayer flags whipped by the wind rattled on their thin mounts and
clouds of dust swirled around the door.

Sucking in great lungfuls of air, the major slung his pack to the floor
in relief and crouched, bent double, 100 yards or so from the small
stone entrance. Reaching for his camera, he wheezed towards Nir Kumar,
stopping the big man in his tracks.

"The Gompa I presume? Excellent! Thank you my man."

When Nir Kumar answered, the low unintelligible words reverberated off
the major's chest. Anxiously, the major stopped unpacking and looked
the sherpa in the eye. The big brown eyes just blinked back and the
unsettling smile returned.

"Yes, I agree" my man replied the Major, unsure of how to
proceed.

"Well, let's not waste any more time."

Relieved that the he was out of the big man's gaze the major stepped up
to the door of the Gompa followed by Nir Kumar and entered. A warm glow
surrounded him and silence rushed up to greet him. With the door firmly
closed behind, the room was dark except for two pinpoints of
candlelight and a heady mix of incense and candle wax . In the
darkness, Nir Kumar had almost disappeared and only a rich earthy scent
reminded the major that he was not alone. After a few seconds, a frail
old woman, with bird like arms, and a raisin face, loomed out of the
shadows to greet him and looked him up and down. Without a word she
held out a withered palm criss-crossed with lines and stood in silence
until he dragged a note from his pocket. Then smiling, she beckoned him
to a smaller room, behind a curtain, stopping only for a brief second
to acknowledge the big man behind.

Only then did the major begin to relax. The yeti-pelt was directly
infront of him and was hung from the ceiling by two golden hooks .
Chuckling to himself the Major strode across the candlelit room eagerly
and grabbed a handful of the black fur, rubbing it greedily between his
sweaty fingers.

"It's a bloody Bear, I knew it. Riches you bloody liar. It's a bear.
Right down to the claws."

He wished he could see the academics and primatologists who had argued
until they were blue in the face about its authenticity now. How he'd
laugh in their smug bloody faces. But all credit to Riches. Even in
death he'd worked his magic on the scientific community. The photos of
the pelt recovered from Riches conveniently placed camera gave away
just enough to mislead the experts without showing texture, detail or
the effects of sunbleaching. And since his disappearance they had run
round like blue - arsed flies in a bid to prove him right. Holding a
candle up to the pelt he marvelled once again at the rich fur.

"I've got you Riches now. I've bloody got you!" slipped out of the
Major's mouth and he laughed out aloud filling the small room with his
jubilant voice. At the same time the outer door clanged open shooting a
burst of cold mountain air through the gompa. And in silence, Nir Kumar
slipped slowly from the room, followed by the frail old woman.

For the next 15 minutes the major was beside himself taking photographs
from every conceivable angle and bagging fur samples. No wonder the
rescue team hadn't been able to find this place he thought, clutching
his wheezing chest in between laughs. Good old Nir Kumar. Good old
bloody Nir Kumar.

On two occasions he stopped, rubbed his temple and looked back through
the curtained entrance of the room, only to see 3 or 4 shapes outside.
Bloody hallucinations. Rubbing his eyes and cursing his age under his
breath. Still, it would all be worth it when he got back home. When
those bastards at the academy had to concede that he had been right all
along.

However, emerging from the gompa, the bright afternoon sunlight took
him by surprise and he suddenly staggered to the side of the building
reaching out for the wall of the Gompa. His eyes clouded and he fell to
his knees clutching the pelt samples protectively to his chest, while
the wind howled and taunted him with clouds of hillside dirt and
dust.

"Nir Kumar! Nir Kumar! Help Me!" he shouted suddenly, listening to his
frail, old voice echo around the valley.

Through the clouds of dust, the big man appeared immediately,
silhouetted against the afternoon sun. Kneeling, the Major stared up at
the sherpas face, as his own slowly turned blue and was shocked to see
the big impassive eyes twinkle and the broad flat teeth parting.

"Don't worry Major&;#8230;" the silhouette bellowed.

Shocked by the sound of the English words. The Major clutched his chest
and reached for his temple once again, rubbing the perspiration from
his face with his jacket sleeve.

"You&;#8230;.You just spoke to me?"

"Yes Major"

"But you can't. You can't speak bloody English. No this isn't right.
It's another bloody hallucination isn't it. Yes that's what it is.
Frowning, the major removed his sunglasses and stared at Nir Kumar
again. 2 other shapes now stood on either side of him."

"I can understand you perfectly Major. You're not the first Englishman
we have ever seen."

"No, this isn't right. I'm seeing double. I can't see properly. Bloody
altitude. Must rest a while. I need to rest."

"Your eyesight is fine major. You should be happy. Metohkhagmi has
appeared to very few people."

Shaking his head and ruffling his fine white hair the major rose to his
knees wheezing and puffing heavily.

"Metohkhagmi, gasp. No. Haaa. His pallid face suddenly burst into
laughter. Metohkhagmi Haaaa. This is all part of the hallucination.
Brilliant. Geofferies was right. The yeti is a product of the oxygen
starved mind. Haaa. Wait till I see him.. Haaa&;#8230;"

"There is Metohkhagmi in the back of everyone's mind Major, replied Nir
Kumar calmly, "but only the blessed, like Professor Riches, can truly
see them."

The shapes around Nir Kumar had now multiplied. And turning his head
the major saw that he was surrounded. On his sunburnt face he felt
their breath and smelt the strong sweet aroma of their fur. Funny, how
the bear pelt smelled the same. How ridiculous.

"Haaaaaa&;#8230; Nir Kumar take me home I have a great many tales to
tell the academy back home haaaa And more than a fair share of records
to set straight. Hahahaha." The major spluttered wearily, pushing his
sunglasses back onto his burnt nose.

Nir Kumar just smiled and freed his thick, shaven arms from the tight
shirt sleeves that imprisoned him. His loose trousers followed until he
blended into the tall black creatures around him. Then, stooping
towards the major he plucked the pelt samples and camera from pack
around the major's neck and cast them far into the valley below.

"You shaved your face didn't you&;#8230;you bugger." gasped the
major weakly. "You shaved your bloody face&;#8230;"

"Come now Major. Nir Kumar is no more, but we are with you now.
Professor Riches knew you would come. He is waiting for you on the
other side.

Rest now. The journey to Shambhala is long and you still have a great
deal to learn."