A DELLEMA OF THE HAND GRENADE

DILEMMA OF THE HAND GRENADE
I found a hand grenade?in my backyard. Took me buy surprise, actually.
It's not the sort of thing you expect to find on your property? I have
no idea how it got there? We get very few army units passing through
town.
My next door neighbor says it's not his. My neighbor on the other side
says it's his and he wants it back, but I don't believe him because he
says that about everything, including my wife. Actually, she used to be
his but I found her in my yard and kept her. He can't have her back so
he's rather hostile.
I wonder if he threw the grenade at my house? That is a definite
possibility. In which case I must feel rather lucky it didn't go off.
Maybe it's a dud? How do I find out? Should I pull the pin? What then,
wait? If it blows up it wasn't a dud. I probably should throw it or
something after I pull the pin? My town is rather dictating and has all
sorts of regulations. They probably have some type of ordinance against
throwing ordnance?or grenades. Of course if it's a dud they'll never
know, and if it's not I'll never know because I bruised my arm the
other day so I can't throw very far. Maybe pulling the pin is not such
a good idea.
I think it's from World War II?there's writing on it that says, "Eat
this TOJO". Holy Mackerel, there's a Mexican guy down the street named
ToJo. No wait, it's not him, he pronounces it ToHo, and he only eats
burritos.
I'll bet the three World War II vets who cut through my yard on their
way to the Elks Club dropped it? They've dropped things before,
including a bazooka. The next time they passed through I asked them if
they lost a grenade.
"You think you're funny? We were in the big one?WWII?not that sissy
Viet Nam. We won our war, Sonny! And all you want to do is make fun of
us. Well if it wasn't for us you'd be driving little Jap cars and
drinking German beer!"
I think they stood too close to the big guns. Reality seems to have
eluded them, and they're easily enraged. In any event the grenade
doesn't seem to be there's.
So what do I do with it? My wife says I should give it to the
police.
Yeah, right! Can you imagine me walking into the police station with a
grenade? They'd gun me down like Clyde Barrow. I said to her, "You come
with me, Bonnie!"
Now this woman is real clever. Listen to what she came up with. She
said I should call first.
Yeah, right?"Hello, I'm coming down to the station with a grenade".
They'd have an ambush set up for me! Going to the police is out.
My brother says I should keep it. If I do, I'd have to get it
registered, and I don't know how long the waiting period is for
grenades? And, it's not the sort of thing you want to walk around with
in plain sight, so I'd have to get a permit to carry a concealed
weapon, which would ultimately involve going to the police, which I've
already ruled out.
I let him borrow it one day when he went to sign up for unemployment.
He said the lines were out into the street. When he reached into his
pocket for a pack of gum the grenade fell out. Everyone fled and he
walked right up to the window. Later that day it had a negative effect
on the job interview they sent him on. I think he doesn't want to work
anyway.
My Mother-in Law always has to butt in. She had another wonderful idea
similar to her daughter. She said I should mail the grenade to the
police. She always says she loves me but I know different.
My kids want to take it to school for Show and Tell. Oh yeah, I'm sure
that would be a hit! I can see it all now. The Swat Team would have my
house surrounded as their commander shouts into a megaphone, "This is
the Police! Come out with your hands up or we'll burn down the entire
block!"
Did you ever try to give away a hand grenade? I tried to give it away,
"Here take this?no don't run?it's free?ha, ha, that stopped ya!?no
wait, don't run again!"
A homeless guy walked up to me and said, "How bout a handout for an old
War Hero?"
I said, "Here, take this!"
"I'm lying, Man! I ain't no War Hero! I was never even in the military!
I never killed anybody! Don't kill me!"
I don't know what to do? This has turned into a serious predicament. I
can't bring it in the house for obvious reasons. I can't leave it
outside for obvious reasons. I wish I'd never found it.
I told my wife I was going to just put it back where I found it and
pretend none of this ever happened. She said I couldn't do that because
her mother wants do dig up the yard and plant a garden.
A smile beamed across my face as I went to the garage for a
shovel.
By George