Ghost in the Machine
By hovis
- 617 reads
He lurked. That's what I remember about him. Like a long summer
shadow there was this hint of a being, a familiarity of shape, but
nothing definite, nothing concrete. I thought I saw him sometimes, but
only in the way you think you see a cat, then realise it's your eyes
playing tricks.
I was about three when the first memory of him burnt itself
into my head. I was in the lounge sitting in front of the fire. My
elder brother Donnie was there to keep an eye on me whilst mam did the
washing. I remember I still couldn't walk and not being at all
impressed with the crawling option I just stayed put. The fire was well
and truly stoked, burning with a nuclear ferocity andmy cheeks stung
from the spit hot heat. Mam had locked herself in the kitchen, as
no-one was allowed access when she was using the twin-tub. It leaked
and it wasn't properly wired. When the spinner was on it growled across
the damp floor, revving itself into a frenzy. The drum made a grating
sound that forced you to cover your mouth with your hands and as it
built to its climax blue and red sparks burst from the lid like
shooting stars. Mam always wore rubber wellies and rubber gloves - just
to be safe.
Anyway Donnie was on baby watch. But he wasn't watching me.
He was reading a comic. A girl's comic,The Judy. Donnie always read.
Whatever was to hand - newspapers, directories, timetables,
prescription packaging - anything within his reach. My sisters shared a
weekly comic and The Judy got archived under the sofa. Donnie preferred
Marvel comics but we only got them when Dad dropped them off. That's
how we knew he'd been. There'd be a little parcel of slick superheroes
all tied up with thin string by the side of the chair. Mam wouldn't say
anything. The parcel would sit there all nice and tight for as long as
she wanted to ignore it. She usually came round the next day. Then
she'd take the carving knife to cut the brittle string and fling it in
the fire. She didn't much like the string. Once she left it a whole
week. She wasn't very forgiving that time. Her sister came round and
they talked about him. Their voices all soft and slow in case we were
listening. Truth is none of us were bothered about what they were
saying, we just wanted the bloody comics. We were hoping the knife
would appear and the comics would be liberated. I was always desparate
to look at the back page and see the ads about x ray specs and grow
your own creatures. It was so disappointing that nobody ever had any
american money. That was one dawning. The fact that grown ups were
incredibly short sighted and stupid. Here were scientific innovations
right on their doorstep and they only needed five bloody
cents.
On that particular day, when I was sat watching the hot coal
hissing out evil little gas jets, and Donnie had his head stuck in
Judy's latest daring do, the front door opened. We lived in a small
terraced house, a two-up two-down, but the front door didn't open
directly into the lounge. There was a tiny square shaped hall we called
a passage. I heard the sneck of the passage door and turned towards the
noise, lifting up my arms. I was bored and hot so it was a relief to
get picked up.The eyes looked familiar and the smell of the gaberdine
made me smile. I think Donnie shouted and then Mam ran in from the
kitchen. Her red wellies stuck on the carpet and she lunged at the pair
of us. I remember her face looked so shocked, all white and ajar, as if
the sparks from the twin tub had finally got her. There was a lot of
noise. Mam was howling liked a dog that had been run over and Donnie
was screeching like a mad parrot. It was odd being up so high and
looking down on everyone. I felt like the fairy on top of the xmas
tree. Mam's arms were fighting with the gaberdine man and Donnie was
kicking at his shins. But the arms wouldn't drop me, they weren't going
to put me down. They took me out of the house and down the street. I
remember being bounced up and down by the running. I started crying. Up
til then I hadn't cried but I didn't like the running.
The police mediated after Mam arrived at his door with a
knife. He said he hadn't mean to take me - he just wanted to drop by
and see the kids. I never saw him again but we'd hear the whispers and
the comics would appear. Once I thought I saw an outline but it
disappeared when I squinted at the sun. Im not sure if mam told us or
we just assumed. But if anyone asked Dad was dead. He never really
existed to me anyway. I couldn't remember him being in the house or
being part of us. Donnie did and he would let slip bits of info to us
when it suited him, when it was useful. He'd bribe us with a tale or
two in exchange for sweets or ice-cream. He told me Dad was a school
teacher and a very good dancer, and that he had won some money once and
all the family went to the races and Dad had won even more money and
bought everyone italian ices. It sounded like in those days Mam and Dad
had fun. I asked him if Dad leaving had stopped her really enjoying
herself. Donnie said it wasn't just Dad going, it was also because of
me. I assumed he meant because of my weak legs. Later Donnie would want
fags and money for any exchanges. Mam knew what he was up to and
chastised him for being deviant. Like father like son she'd say. I
caught the next door neighbour telling Mam he'd break her heart just
like... of course the sentence stopped right in front of me. It was
just so boring the way they carried on about someone I didn't even
know. Mam used to repeat the mantra about how she'd be haunted forever.
It was like they were talking about an evil spirit, something from the
other side. I mean how scary can someone be. I wanted to shout. None of
us care. But Mam obviously did. That's what happens when you get stuck.
No matter what you do you can't move off. She blamed him for haunting
her but she was doing the haunting. She hung around that place, the
time before I was born, the time in the past that was never brought
into the present.
She was a bright woman. No formal education but she loved
figures and worked part time at the credit union, and she could do my
maths homework. To begin with I was what you might call a slow learner.
They reckoned because of my physical disabilities i.e. short stature
and weak legs it affected my educational learning curve. I did have a
redeeming feature however, they said I was very good at art. By all
accounts I was the next Piccaso. Any smudge or mark I made was heralded
as awesome and amazing. By senior school of course I proved them all
wrong, my art took a nose dive and I took off in sciences. You see you
can never tell what's inside anyone.
I admit I was curious about him. Donnie was six when dad
went. He said dad left and they got divorced and that was it. He said
he only saw him once more, when he kidnapped me. I laughed. How can you
kidnap your own kid I said. Cos he left before you were even born
that's how, he told me. Donnie reckoned Mam was really upset when she
was carrying me and that's why I couldn't walk until I was five and why
I didn't grow and why I would get called names and all the rest. He
wouldn't give any gory details tho, but I knew Mam had thrown Dad out.
I knew because I heard a neighbour talking about someone else, saying
so-and-so should have done the same as Lilly. Packed his bags and told
him to clear off.
It was over 20 years later til Dad made another appearance.
It was at Donnie's funeral. Donnie drowned on his thirtieth birthday.
He'd won a 18-30 holiday - typical of him. We'd gotten close as we grew
older and he'd been pretty excited about winning the holiday, in his
blase kind of way. He chose to go water skiing on the day of his
birthday, got caught in the ropes and drowned. He was a lousy swimmer
anyway. He was good at most other things tho and got what he wanted out
of life. He went into sales and earned shed loads of money. He also
turned out not to be deviant or selfish and gave Mam most of it.
So at his funeral Dad sat at the back of the church. Of
course the big bang went off when he was spotted. Sorry when the person
who spotted him lit Mam's fuse. Mam hadn't seen him, she didn't lift
her head until we got to the reception. None of us could see anyway. It
was over the vol-au-vants in the lounge of the Poverina. An old
neighbour had clocked him and muttered something to another stick
supported busy-body. Mam was walking up to them to offer drinks, she
always was a very good host, when she heard his name. Patrick Monaghan.
I don't think she'd heard it said quite so matter of factly in such a
long time. The neighbour hadn't whispered in a conspiratorial way,
they'd just asked if that was Patrick Monaghan sat at the back. In
complete innocence almost. Like old people do.
Mam didn't stumble, or drop the drinks. She just froze. Her feet
wouldn't move. They were stuck just like they did to the carpet when
she wore those red wellingtons. And her face had that same shocked
look. Her mouth opening and closing as if she was choking. Aunt Cissy
calmly took the drinks off her, took Mam's arm and led her into the
ladies. She sat her down on one of the toilet seats and then she came
to fetch me. Cissy told me Dad had been at the funeral. Mam was just
sitting quietly on the toilet and then everything came flying out. How
he was a curse. How he would never stop haunting her. I heard how he'd
had an affair with her best friend when they were engaged and that
she'd given him a second chance. But that she couldn't condone what he
did later. What he did as she was growing me inside her belly. Cissy
cut in telling us nothing was proved, it was just rumours. Mam had the
winning hand tho and asked how come he lost his job at the school then
and how come the girl's parents suddenly upped and moved. That's when
Mam tried all the old wives tales - hot baths, gin. She'd even stood at
the top of the stairs with her arms on the bannisters ready to swing
but she couldn't do it. I didn't connect with what she was saying and
looked puzzled for a second. Then Mam told me she hadn't wanted him or
his baby. Then she started crying that it was all her fault. That's why
I was born like I was. My stunted growth was payback for her intent.
What hurt the most was that she couldn't see how that although I was
only 4' 10" in heels it hadn't hindered me. I had never thought about
it as a problem. My grades were as good as the rest and I had plenty of
friends. My petite size was actually an advantage. It made me stand
out. I got noticed. I wanted to tell her it was time to lay some ghosts
to rest, just like Donnie, but I just hugged her. There's plenty of
time now we're both coming from the same place. The future.
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