Lard

Hyacinth is big-boned.
Or at least, that's what she tells herself.

To be fair to her, she does have big bones, but none of which are any
bigger than yours or mine.

Her partner, diplomatically calls her 'cuddly'. Why she doesn't tell
him that she has hated that word ever since he started saying it 23
years ago, no-one will ever know?

She adores it when her lover calls her voluptuous. Trouble is, her
lover very rarely calls her. In fact, her lover hasn't called for 4
years.

She didn't kill him. Oh no. He slipped and fell on the bread knife that
she was holding --- 39 times.
How unlucky can one man be?

At least his guardian angel had the good sense to let him fall into the
freezer in the basement. Who knows what wonders the cryogenic
scientists of the future will be able to do?

For his sake, if they get his head back on, that'll be a start.