Mark Twain!

Mark Twain!
by N J Callis

Jonah Sykes was first chair clarinet of the A band at Schecter park
high school. As much as this is a great achievement, and how proud it
made his parents, it does not impress girls.

Arrakeen is the equivalent of fleet admiral in the Duinuogwuin Army.
The concept of First chair clarinet is irrelevant. Arrakeen, like every
other inhabitant of Bokknagaar, is deaf. Impressing girls would also be
insignificant since Bokknagaarians have only one gender and reproduce
by budding.

Jonah procreates sexually. Though in order to reproduce, in Jonah's
society, he must first "court" a female. This process includes:
Feeding, buying expensive gifts, complimenting, talking about
"feelings" (emotions triggered by hormones), and reassuring the female
that she is not fat. An example of early stages of "courting" would be
a high school dance, which happens to be exactly what is on Jonah's
mind. that and....

Emily Varley was not part of any extra curricular activities. Most of
her time is spent at the mall (a large building containing smaller
buildings were currency is traded for goods.) or watching MTV in order
to know what to buy at the mall. Many people like Emily at Schecter
park high school. Not many people like Jonah.

Arrakeen is a part of what Bokknagaarians call an interplanetary
outreach program. For just zythrils a day, they can help provide under
privileged races with new technologies and meaning to their seemingly
worthless existence.

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Jonah was not surprised when his offer to Emily was rejected. It's
happened before. In fact, he keeps a tally in his locker. Mark seven!
The only time he'd been asked to a dance was in his freshman year, a
girl named Lizzie Olsen. She must have weighed over 230 lbs.
"Um...Jonah?"
Jonah turned around to see Sara Penn, editor of the school news
paper.
" I was just wondering....you know..if you'd like to..come
with..to..uh..that dance thing...tonight? Uh.. with me.. that
is."
Sara Penn was about 90 lbs. She had short black hair and freckles. The
general consensus was; she was unattractive.
"yeah, OK." Jonah said. Mark twain!

Arrakeen put on his one-piece, silver jumpsuit and attached the small
chain links on his collared, black cape and boarded the outreach
mission ship. His superior officer plotted the coarse on the soon to be
departing craft. Earth, XENIX, Tabla, then home.

Jonah buttoned his ruffled, baby blue shirt, tied his bow-tie, and
fixed his cuff links. He was wearing his father's prom suit. It was
navy with wide lapels. After his grooming ritual, he got in his car and
unfolded the directions to Sara's house which he had been keeping in
his pants pocket. Left on Oakwood, two blocks down turn right on
Pleasent st. the house address was 1309.

Arrakeen and the Interplanetary Outreach Program mission's ship was
hovering above Schecter Park right now, using thermal scanners to
detect the largest gathering of life-forms. Now, the whole committee
was a little hesitanat because of the last trip to earth, which was
around the cratecious period.It was decided that they would wait a very
long time before reevaluating earth. They were very dissapointed.
They found a sufficiant crowd in a large building surrounded by fields
of grass and cement. The cement feilds were full of "metal husks", one
moving at an alarming rate.

Jonah and Sara were beyond fashionably late, and were going about 50
mph in the school parking lot. They found an empty spot behind a long
row of pickup trucks. (pickup trucks are used for carrying large loads
of hay or tools and are normally found on farms. Niether of these were
the case though) When they arrived, everyone was already
mid-macarena.

Arrakeen and his team set down in a (baseball) feild on the other side
of the building. So as not to frighten the earthlings, they observed
from the ship via the X-ray periscope. What they saw was a large mass
of biped, carbon based life forms, shaking their appendages in rythm
with each other, some in pairs others alone. All the while,
multi-colored lights were twirling and strobing through out the
room.
The Interplanetary Outreach Progam agreed unanimously that any race of
beings this primative would not be able to comprehend the complexities
of life and the universe they were going to be presented with. Earth
was to be re-evaluated in 13 Cycla (10,000 earth years). Mark
twain!

THE END