In memory

This is in memory of a dear friend of mine and his son, to try and show how I really feel.

As I laughed the day away at school
Barely noticing the twinge I felt
Certain everything would be ok
Didn't realize he was dead.
Everyone had the status up
For memory of such a loving man
Gasped and screamed and ran away
Hurt so bad I couldn't breathe
I cried for hours as I lost the first
Just couldn't stop even with all the hugs
Killed inside as my first friend died
Lying on my bed remembering
Memories haunting, promises unkept
Never realizing I wouldn't have a chance
Opened my eyes to think of his son
Proud and tough and so independent
Quality shining all the way through
Run away from him after all the fights
Separated at the time of death
Too far away to ever wish him love
Unimaginable pain of losing his father
Voice silenced forever with ears still closed
Wept the night through for his pain
X where his heart used to be
Young and oh so alone and so tough
Zipped away the hearts for good.

When I got home I didn't realize what had happened. I signed on and saw all the statuses. I screamed out wishing it wasn't so. I began sobbing, calling my friends. They couldn't comfort me, couldn't even tell what happened. I ran into my room and curled up on my bed. I bit my lip until it bled. I felt someone's arms around me but couldn't respond. I just kept remembering everything I hadn't done. How I'd talked to other people instead. How I'd left like I promised I'd never do. After awhile I began to calm down. I had to since I couldn't breathe. Then I thought of his family. Of his sister that I adored. Of his son whom I loved. I began crying again for their pain. Couldn't imagine how they must feel. Still can't. Knowing how much everyone loved him. Knowing how they still do. I recovered. But then I tried to play pool. His game. I got set off again. Everytime I thought of him I'd cry again. A little less each time. But so many tears. Then I was invited to a memorial game. The same day my stepdad went to the hospital. There was no choice. I went to the game. But I couldn't talk. Just sat and cried. Wishing it was a movie. Everything would fog and it would be 6 months later. I've tried to talk to his son. But I always choke up. I don't know what I can say in response to all that pain. I'm only a little girl, at least in this way. I barely know how to handle the pain for myself. Well, I don't. I just try to ignore it. But how to handle it with some one else? I have no idea. And of his son...the person who lost more than anyone else. The person I love more than anyone else. I'd try to talk, but end up sounding like an idiot. What can a girl say that's not totally cliche? I've never lost a person before. Pets, yes, but never a person. I didn't think it could hurt so much more. But with pets, it was only me who mourned. Now everytime I see someone, everytime I play a game, everytime I get online, I think of him. And the pain just keeps coming back time and time again. I wish I knew what to say. All I can do is write my feelings. And know that it doesn't come anywhere near. But hope it will let him trust me. Hope that he can come to me. I want to help. I want us to recover together. I don't want either of us to be alone for this.

Death for one ought not mean death for two.
We cannot die of grief unless we will.
Love requires us to love life still,
Lest love be less than life and death are due.
We cannot choose but choose for others, too,
For what we choose does what we are distill,
And open fields with inner sweetness fill,
That those who pass might hope or faith renew.
So may your love for loved ones that remain
Bring you through this season of despair
To some unquiet, sad, but gentle spring.
Emerging from your chrysalis of pain,
May you find a new world blossomed there
With new songs bittersweet that pleasure bring.

~Nicholas Gordon~