OJ COULD HAVE GOTTEN OFF>>>WITHOUT A TRIAL!

OJ COULD HAVE WALKED

My name cannot be divulged for reasons of national insecurity. My
colleagues and I are wanted in forty-two states and have outstanding
parking tickets in the other eight. We do not intend to pay them. We
are on the run.

The reason we are sought by virtually every law enforcement agency in
the country is because of our chosen professions. We work for the
sleaziest low-lifes in America. We work for lawyers.

That's right, lawyers. Defense lawyers actually. The worst vermin ever
placed on the face of the Earth. The very same scum who free societies
most vile criminals everyday for a dollar. Without my team they would
be powerless and lilly white.

I run a company known as, Alibis, Etc. R Us. We supply lawyers with the
tools to defend their clients. We provide alibis and excuses. In the
past we have created alibis for such well known citizens as, Al Capone,
"I wasn't even in Chicago at the time!", John Dillinger, "You got the
wrong man!", and Baby Face Nelson, "I was getting a shave?Yeah, I
shave!"

OJ was going to be our crowning glory. We had the perfect excuse. He
could have walked without a charge against him. Unfortunately his team
of lawyers saw an opportunity to make big bucks and be on television so
they refused our help. We tried to contact him personally but he never
returned our calls. The rest is history?what a shame.

All he had to do was use our creative resources and there would have
never been a trial. This would have been his statement:

"On the night in question I had many questions, one of which was, where
was my car? I was about to change the oil and do a grease job on it. I
was sure I left it in the driveway, but it was gone? Stolen perhaps?
Before I jumped to conclusions I decided to walk around the
neighborhood and look for it. Soon I found myself passing the home of
my ex-wife, Nicole. As I glanced up at the house I saw her and a nice
looking fellow standing before it. They were waving at me to approach
them. As I did they waved more rapidly as if motioning me to
hurry.

I realized something was wrong and ran as fast as I could which is
rather swift, (You may have seen my airport commercials?)

As I reached them they were waving frantically and making gagging
sounds. I saw the remains of some food items nearby and realized they
were choking on burritos.

"Nicole," I said, "If I told you once I told you a thousand times?chew
your food before you swallow!"

Their eyes bulged and they appeared to be turning purple. I removed my
Blue Blocker sunglasses and was relieved to see they were merely
turning blue.

They waved frantically and tried to talk, "AHH?Ahhh..choke,
choke"

They appeared to be asking for help.

"Do you want me to help you, Nicole?" I asked.

She shook her head, yes.

"Are you choking on burritos?"

She shook her head, yes.

"Do you want me to unchoke you?"

She shook her head, yes.

I tried to beat them out of the whiteguy but it didn't work. I tried
the Heimlick maneuver but that didn't work either.

"I don't know, Nicole, that burrito's in there pretty good."

She noticed I was carrying a butcher knife. Her eyes bulged and she
pointed to it.

"Nicole, why are you pointing at my Mumbly Peg knife?" I asked.

"Ah?Ah," she uttered as she pointed at the knife and then at her
neck.

"You mean you want me to?Oh, no, Nicole?forget it!"

She motioned again and was getting real frantic.

"You know, Nicole, some people might see this as me slitting your
throat?"

She managed to utter a few words that sounded like, "Nah, I'll tell dem
the tweth"

"Ok, Nicole, I'll do my best."

First I went to the guy. I was nervous but knew what I had to do. As I
made the incision the burrito popped out almost immediately.

"Ha Ha?It worked!" I shouted as I picked up the burrito and threw it
over the fence to the neighbor's dog.

Nicole seemed to smile as she waved frantically and mumbled, "Do me?do
me!"

I looked at the guy and hesitated, "This is rather messy, Nicole?and we
do want to be sanitary, so we don't get germs."

I removed an old pair of gloves that happened to be in the pocket of
the set of overalls that I just happened to be wearing because, as
previously stated, I was about to work on my car.

"These gloves will do the trick," I said as I began to put them on, "
Oh?they don't seem to fit?"

"Ahhh!" she gargled for me to hurry.

"Oh, well?they're ok for this job."

I went to Nicole with confidence and made another incision. The burrito
popped out in similar fashion as before. The neighbor's dog barked and
I threw him the morsel.

I was ecstatic, "I did it?I did it!" I yelled as I grabbed her hands
and began to dance with her.

"Do you know what this means, Nicole? I'll be able to get Doctor
parts!"

Suddenly her body went limp and she fell to the ground. I looked at
them and realized they'd lost a lot of blood. I remember thinking,
"Maybe the incisions were a little bit bigger than necessary?"

What the heck, I'm a football player, not a surgeon, so I botched
it?you can't blame me for trying.

Now there's a defense that would stand up in any court. They'd never
charge anyone for trying to save somebody's life.