One way they keep you stupid

Scene: Blond-haired young girl called Eleanor, blatantly un-ugly, wearing two bits of bright material called a bikini, goes to door to exit house. Just as she opens it, she meets tall, pony-tailed, blatantly un-ugly over-tanned young man in tight shorts who has his hand lightly clenched in anticipation of knocking on door. His name is Kingsley, Eleanor's recent ex boyfriend who was apparently caught in the act with Barbara, the local vixen, by Kilburn, an untrustworthy worm who secretly wants Eleanor for himself. Kingsley tries to look surprised at exactly the same time as Eleanor looks surprised. The TV camera switches to both characters one after the other to ensure the audience at home is really convinced of their mutual surprise. Eleanor's eyes are wider than Kingsley's but his mouth is more agape. Both are really surprised at such a coincidental meeting.
"Oh-! exclaims Kingsley perfectly, although the initial expression of astonishment has been a little affected by a grimace of disappointment- not an easy profile to execute.
"I thought you'd be at work."
Eleanor, concealing her still passionate feelings for him behind the easy but unfair emotion of anger, reacts furiously.
"What the hell do you want!? I thought I told you to stay out of my life!"
(This popular phrase, consistently used by writers of soap serials, has lost some of its affect through over-use, but as a means for carrying the definitive intention, it is hard to beat.)
"Look, Eleanor. I don't want to argue with you. Can't we still be friends?"
This pleading from Kingsley will of course get him nowhere. But it does endear him to the viewers at home who sympathise with his efforts for a sensible reconciliation.
"Friends! With a creep like you? You must be joking!"
The inclusion of this verbal insult is vital. Calling him 'creep' implies crawling, a term wrongly confused with Kingsley's genuine desire for appeasement. By this time, all the viewers will be very annoyed with this little Madam and will hope to see her get what she deserves. Poor Kingsley struggles on.
"Look, Eleanor, I know you don't believe me when I tell you nothing happened between Barbara and me, but you've got it all wrong! I- "
"Oh, sure!", interrupts Eleanor at precisely the same time as Kingsley stops talking, "-It's perfectly natural for two people to be lying on a bed practically naked, wearing only towels!"
"But I've already explained that," protests Kingsley almost in tears, "I had to deliver Barbara's groceries because Damien fell ill at the last moment. When I arrived at her house, one of the boxes accidentally fell and covered us both in some gooey foodstuff sauce, and we had to take a shower and change into clean clothes. When Kilburn just happened to be passing Barbara's house to remind her of her appointment at the Masseur Parlour and walked in and caught us accidentally slipping on the floor to fall onto the bed, he got the wrong impression. That's the truth- honest!"
"What-?" yells Eleanor, "You expect me to believe that?"
(Why not? 14. 08 million viewers did.)
By now, the clones at home are almost rabid in their efforts to contain their rage because they are in the same shoes- or flip-flops- as poor Kingsley who just happens to be telling the truth. It is extremely frustrating. But it gets worse.
"Oh, what's the use..." sighs Kingsley, shaking his head at the floor and acting depressingly.
"Now get out of my way-!", snaps Eleanor rudely as she is about to rush past him, "I have a date to keep....with Kilburn!"
Oh, NO!! This is definitely the worst thing that could have happened! Kilburn is the sneakiest, meanest, baddest, worstest man in the neighbourhood, the very opposite of Kingsley- and he doesn't even have a sun tan! His complexion is practically albino, a skin tone that causes a long, suspicious scar on the side of his face to appear even more pronounced.
"And let me tell you this, Kingsley Baron..." continues Eleanor, narrowing her eyes and pointing her longest finger into his face to make sure all the viewers at home know who she is talking to, "-If I ever see you at my door again, I'll get the police and have you arrested. Now stay out of my life!"
"Are you all right, Eleanor?"
The camera turns behind Kingsley to focus on Kilburn who has just arrived. He wears a suit that, although smart, doesn't suit him, proving that if you're a loser in life, you lose on all fronts. He stares eyeball to eyeball with Kingsley, giving Kingsley the chance to practice his 'proud but not humbled' expression.
"You heard the lady-" growls Kilburn, even forcing his scar to sneer. "Beat it, creep!"
Kilburn smirks mockingly. Eleanor smirks derisively. Kingsley frowns despondently. And the camera closes in on his face as we enter the commercial break. Viewers must hold on for another five minutes to see the conclusion of this tense assembly. And just in case any of them have the attention span of a goldfish, the camera at the beginning of part two does another lap around the profile of the characters; Kilburn mocking, Eleanor smirking, Kingsley despondent.
"Beat it, creep!" repeats Kilburn for the benefit of the less attentive viewers who need a point of reference. The face of Kilburn by this time, has transformed itself from its original mocking expression into a threatening grimace.
"I can't go..." replies Kingsley defiantly, "I'm waiting for someone."
"Oh, really?" goads Eleanor, "And who might that be? My Mum and Dad are at work, and Trisha, my young, spotty-faced sister who no one ever asks out because she's so quiet, naive and simple, is outside working in the stables."
"As a matter of fact," replies Kingsley, hurtfully, "-it is Trisha."
Eleanor laughs contemptuously, holding her belly with the pain at the same time as Kilburn leans on the door to stop himself from falling over. The Camera captures the trio in this cruel scenario; the two bad people- that is, Eleanor and Kilburn, got it?- belittling poor Kingsley, who don't forget, is the good person, the one that we all like. Kingsley is dignified enough to ignore them- but it must be very hard for him. At least % 88. 05 of viewers would certainly have used violence by this time had they been in the same situation.
"What?" squeals Kilburn through his laughter, "You have just gotta' be kidding! Who'd be daft enough to take Trisha the shit shifter out for a date?"
"Hello, Kingsley..."
Suddenly the camera switches to Trisha, who has somehow managed to walk up behind everybody without anyone noticing. She looks like a Goddess, a Beauty Queen and a great Mud-wrestling partner all in one, which isn't surprising considering the script dictated she was to wear nothing but overalls, wellies and industrial gloves, while carrying a large shovel since her character was introduced six months previous. Now she adorns a red, low-cut dress and high-heel shoes. Her hair is beautifully platted and her face is made up like a china doll. Despite the fact that any life form with the ability to walk and talk simultaneously would have seen this coming a mile and a half away, every one of the 14. 08 million viewers gasp in stunning amazement to witness this miraculous transformation. This stable girl, who no one ever took seriously, who uttered only a few lines of 'Yes', or 'No', and '-must clean my nails', was actually, underneath all the horse manure, really gorgeous! Who'd have guessed it? Meanwhile, Eleanor and Kilburn stand stupefied at her appearance.
"Trisha..." begins Eleanor, "You look..."
"Different?" breaks in Trisha, "Yes, Eleanor, I look different. But I'm still the same person as before. The same person who's been forced to clean out those stables week in and week out for months without protest. The same person who has taken all the insults and name-calling. The cheap, demeaning references about 'Skunks breaking wind'. The same person who-'
Camera remains on Trisha to see her give a moral and vengeful speech, but occasionally switches to Eleanor and Kilburn who continue to maintain the physically demanding expression of open-mouthed amazement. By this time the viewers at home are drunk with joy, triumphantly embracing their cats and dogs because the two villains- Eleanor and Kilburn in case you'd forgotten- are getting what they deserve. After ten minutes Trisha is coming to the end of her lecture.
"...and that is why I'm leaving with Kingsley to go to Africa with The Red Cross, so that I've got the chance to do something useful in this cruel and vindictive world. Now stay out of my life!"
She leaves with Kingsley and slams the door, almost collapsing the whole set. She departs not for deepest Africa as viewers believe, but to a new three-year recording contract with RCA. The camera returns to the poisonous couple left alone together.
"Come on baby, we'll be late for the beach party!", says Kilburn, demonstrating his total lack of diplomacy at such a sensitive moment. Eleanor, suddenly realising she has lost Kingsley for good, turns to the wet fish she is left with and throws it out.
"Get lost, creep!"
The camera closes in on her face which by now has covered the entire range of unfavourable manifestations; twisted, angry, and somehow ugly. You can almost hear 14. 08 million voices repeat the whole story all over again the next morning...