Royal We

"It's come to the attention of senior management," he says before
sniffing sharply as if in receipt of the first heavy wave of Sarin gas
-

"It's come to the attention of senior management that we have been -
not to put too fine a point on it - somewhat remiss in our working
practices of late."

The focus of the senior management attention shifts once to the left in
his seat but otherwise calmly returns the stare bestowed upon him by
senior management.

"We have been late. More often than not. We have been" -

Senior management looks down as if from a great height upon the
diaspora of correspondence that litters the desk that separates them,
scouring the ground with a harsh hawk's eye and then withdrawing a
yellow memo sheet from beneath a pile made up of three similar looking
books pertaining to work in the Chemical Industry, Offshore Oil and
Gas.

- "We have been tardy. We have been disrespectful - not only of senior
management but also of the aims and objectives of the company itself.
We have failed to follow the company's strict dress code. We have not
adhered to the company's clear email and Internet policy. We have not
responded to polite enquiries and patient demands for information. We
have" -

Again, senior management pauses. He pauses as if paused, as if a
Godlike finger had depressed a button upon a cosmic remote control -
PAUSE - the intention being to brew coffee without missing a moment of
the action. Senior management looks to the wall at his side, raises a
hand and curls his fingers mere inches from his mouth, all the better
to create a receptacle with which to cough into.

Senior management coughs, and the cough looks false, practiced, one tic
among many such tics designed to better broker and leverage the order
of words.

"We have not been clean."

The words - false, practiced - hang in the air like a lapse of social
grace. They hang there in expectation of an outburst. The focus of
senior management attention does not pay them heed. He remains rooted
in his seat. He is listening but he is calm.

Senior management is surprised and stutters the royal we three times in
a row, as if the little pig was running all the way home.

"We-we-we have been prone to - bursts of what I can only call profanity
- profanity directed at both colleagues and - elsewhere. We have been
observed to make - gestures. We have been slapdash. Disorganised.
Abusive."

Senior management pauses and the pause quickly registers as one half of
a dialogue, quickly registers as a pause in need of response. There is
no response. The pause lengthens, eschewing conventional modes of
social decorum.

Senior management plumps up its cancroid lips.

"Well," senior management emits. "Do we have anything to say?"

The focus of senior management shakes its feckless head.

"We do not."