Toilet Humour

Toilet Humour

"Excuse me, I just need to go to the bathroom - you know to have like a
bath, because you know, I didn't have time for a bath before I came out
on like a date with you."

Americans are very strange creatures; they are the
duck-billed-platypuses of the human world. Americans may look sane at a
glance, but if you look just a little bit closer you'll see the webbed
feet, the duckbill, the Ricki Lakes and the Jerry Springers. If I was
an alien from planet Soil in the sixth dimension and I was studying
Earth and it's little Earthlings I would think, "Ooh yes, Americans
speak English." But I'm not an alien and Americans don't speak English.
They only pretend, like eight-year-old girls pretend they have a pony
called 'Buttercup' to impress their friends; Americans pretend they
speak English to impress people they think are their friends. The
result of this is that Americans always need the bathroom or maybe the
restroom, because you know, I didn't have time for like a rest before I
came out on like a date with you. Americans never need the loo, the bog
or the good, old WC. Have you ever heard an American say "I'm desperate
for a shit." Nope? Didn't think so. I think it's their feeble, li'l
attempt to sound refined and sophisticated. Reality check: Americans
attempt to sound like a new-age, cosmopolitan aristocrat by not
admitting to anyone that once in a while they need a piss BUT Americans
don't mind going on Jerry Springer and announcing to their spouse and
the whole watching world that they are having a cross-species, lesbian
affair with their best friends cat. Please note: Cat not pussy.

For some very strange reason, which I am unable to fathom, visiting
'la toilette' is a taboo subject. Ooh. Every time some mentions the
cryptic place you can hear the sound of those eight-year-old girls
giggling in the background: "Ooh, they said a naughty word, they said -
toilet!" Yet the shocking truth is that excretion is a natural
characteristic of all living organisms, even plants do it, although
slightly differently.

People also seem to have bizarre ideas about the Queen and her Royal
Lavatory. It seems that people won't accept that she goes too; maybe
this is what the Americans are trying to get at. The most popular
belief, regard her Royal habits, is that she is trained from a young
age so that she simply does not 'have the need'. But that leads to
another great mystery: Where does the stuff go? Theory number two is
that the Queen is regularly injected with some magical substance and
"Abracadabra! The rabbit jumps out the hat and the magic chemicals eat
the Queen's Royal waste." Slight variation to this theory (#2.1) is
that the magical substance delivers the Queen only the essential
vitamins, minerals etc, and so there is no 'excess' to be disposed of.
However, how the Queen actually 'does it' nobody other than her Majesty
knows and it remains is one of life's biggest mysteries.

Excretion is like sex. The idea of the your parents or your
grandparents 'doing it' is unutterably freakish and disgusting. If you
have ever heard or even been in the same room as anyone, especially
parents, having a quick whiz then you will sympathize with me and agree
how completely alien and disconcerting it is. Sure, its just water and
it could be that someone has left the tape on but it isn't, you know it
isn't, and it's DISGUSTING! Weeing and pooing, excuse my Fran?oise, is
a very PRIVATE thing. Even in this new liberal world, couples may bath
together and masturbate together but they don't shit together do they?
Because of this everyone seems to have developed his or her own method
and style. Sure, we all know that guys can leak standing up while girls
have to crouch or sit, but "How you do a number two" is a very personal
thing.

One guy, who shall remain nameless (mainly because I've forgotten his
name) cleans his bum vigilantly using two pieces of loo paper carefully
folded in half. This process is repeated ten times and he uses in total
20 pieces of loo paper and half an hour, delicate folding and wiping.
The only reason anyone knows his secret method is because his
girlfriend complained that he took too long and he was later forced to
confess his secret. To be honest, I have tried this method but after
only four goes I had a sparkling ass and was too bored to carry on.
Anyway, I'm a scruncher not a folder and you know what I mean!