U - Jobswap - Screenplay Snippets

INT. SATAN'S OFFICE. DAY.

On the walls hang pictures of SATAN with celebrities, sportsmen and
politicians. Behind the desk, the wall has an 'Investors In People'
certificate hanging. SATAN is seated with his chair turned towards this
wall. Pictures aside, the office is as low-tech as every other room in
Hell &; Co.

ASTEROTH
What's all this about boss?

SATAN
I'm taking a sabbatical, Asteroth. I'm leaving you in charge for a
while.

ASTEROTH
Taking a holiday?

SATAN
Not exactly. I just need a little time to myself that's all. Recharge
the batteries, sort of thing.

ASTEROTH
Good. I was a bit worried there. There's been some talk around the
canteen... you know how these things are... that you're thinking of
moving on.

SATAN
Well, let me reassure you that I'm still very much the boss around
here. I just want you to take over for a couple of weeks. It shouldn't
be too much work, there's a couple of minor wars that need stoking, and
a Presidential election to rig, but nothing unusual. I've e-mailed all
the details to your workstation.

ASTEROTH
I'll take a look after lunch. Are you still on for squash
tonight?

SATAN
Better not, I've got a lot to do before I leave the office. Anyway, you
cheat.

ASTEROTH
Of course I do, I'm a Demon.

SATAN smiles and waves ASTEROTH away.

SATAN
Oh, by the way, I'm getting a little tired of all the gossiping that
goes on in that canteen. My workforce are getting bone idle. Let's find
something for them to do.

INT. RECEPTION AREA OUTSIDE GOD'S OFFICE. DAY.

JESUS is waiting impatiently in a luxurious leather chair, whilst a
matronly RECEPTIONIST with a warm and loving face speaks into her
intercom. The reception is as high-tech as all rooms in Heaven
PLC.

RECEPTIONIST
Your son to see You Chief.

A muffled voice is heard from the intercom.

RECEPTIONIST
Of course Sir. He's ready to see you now Jesus.

JESUS
He's pissed at me, isn't He?

RECEPTIONIST
I'm sure I can't define the nature of God. I'm just a
receptionist.

JESUS
Yep, He's pissed.

JESUS enters GOD's office.

JESUS
Morning Dad.

GOD
Don't 'morning Dad' me. Where the heck have you been? You said you'd be
here at ten. It's now eleven fifteen.

JESUS
I got held up. A couple of wars are escalating on Earth, so we've had a
bit of a log-jam at the Gates.

GOD
Son, that's not your job. Saint Peter handles admissions, not you. Have
you never heard of delegation?

JESUS
Dad look, I know that You and I sometimes see things differently, and I
know that You sometimes wish I was a little more pro-active...

GOD
Let Me interrupt you. I know what you're going to say...

JESUS
Do You know how annoying that is?

GOD
Sorry. Carry on.

JESUS
Well, what with Saint Michael retiring, and the leadership of Your
armies coming open... I thought it might be an ideal opportunity for me
to get some experience in a different department. Sort of
cross-training if you like.

GOD
You want to be considered for Michael's job? I actually did not see
that coming! But you've already got a good job.

JESUS
I know I have and I'm grateful. It's just that... this whole 'Lamb of
God' thing, it's so limiting. I feel I have the ass-kicking qualities
that an Archangel needs and I never get the chance to show them.

GOD
Look son, I know you're ambitious. Sometimes though, we have to accept
that certain jobs may be beyond us.

JESUS
You've always thought of me as a failure.

GOD
Nonsense. I just don't want you to overreach yourself. (JESUS sulks)
Okay, I'll guarantee you an interview. I can't say fairer than that.
But you better take a fresh look at your CV, it's a tough panel you're
facing.

JESUS
Thanks Dad. So who else are You short-listing, it can't hurt to know
the opposition.

GOD
Oh you know, the usual crowd, Peter, Ishmael, (lowers voice)
Satan.

JESUS
That doesn't sound too... hold up, did You say Satan?

GOD
Yes.

JESUS
Have You gone insane?

GOD
Now just hold on young man. Don't you question My ways.

JESUS
But You can't possibly interview Satan. How could You even consider him
as leader of Your armies?

GOD
I have to interview him. I'm 'All Good' and that makes me an equal
opportunity employer. His evil nature counts as a disability.

JESUS
But it's Satan for God's sake! Sorry.

GOD
Son, I know how you feel. That whole desert temptation thing - bang out
of order - but my hands are tied here, I don't make the rules.

JESUS
Yes You do.

GOD
Well, figuratively speaking anyway.

JESUS looks sulky, shuffles his feet and heads for the door.

JESUS
It's always been the same. You have me born into a poor family, make
sure I suffer constantly, then let me get nailed up. You're a rubbish
Dad. (Opens door) Do you know, in thirty two years, I never got any
pocket money - not once. (JESUS leaves)

GOD
Kids. I'll never understand them.

(Here will be inserted some very short scenes of the process - Satan
copying answers etc., Jesus standing on his own while Satan networks at
lunch etc., Satan winding Jesus up just before his interview
etc.)

INT. GOD'S CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY.

The panel are sat around a large white table. GOD is at centre and
MOSES, GABRIEL and MOTHER TERESA are at his sides.

GOD
Are we agreed then that Peter and Ishmael are out of the running?

MOTHER TERESA
Oh God yeah. Sorry.

GABRIEL
Peter's too old and Ishmael... would it be unkind to call him a
moron?

GOD
Yes, so please don't. Okay, that leaves the other two. So what do we
think?

MOSES
I don't know. I just can't help feeling that Jesus is a bit...

GOD
What?

MOSES
Well, a bit of a hippy. A bit wet. I mean, that whole robe and sandal
look... it's a bit 60's.

MOTHER TERESA
Yes, did you see Satan's suit? Great suit. Well snappy. Looked
expensive.

GOD
It's not the cut of the cloth, it's the cut of the man.

GABRIEL
I think we all agree that Jesus was a commendable applicant, but with
Satan there's no question he can look after himself. Remember the
struggle he put up before the expulsion?

(Murmured nods and half-smiles, even from GOD.)

GOD
Listen, I have to think of the wider picture here. It's all very well
us just considering suits and fighting, but there's an issue of
credibility at stake.

MOSES
If he's got the experience...

GABRIEL
His references are excellent...

GOD
His references are faked. He's evil remember.

MOTHER TERESA
Even so, we have our responsibility to minorities.

(More nods of approval.)

GOD
Okay, I'm seeing some concensus here, but let's have a show of hands.
All those in favour of Satan... (counts hands, raises own.) Then it's
unanimous. Satan will be the new commander in chief of the host.
Thank you gentlemen. Please say nothing of this until I've had chance
to speak with the unsuccessful candidates. Although I've no idea what
I'm going to say to Jesus. He's going to go spare.

*****

ASTEROTH
BUT YOU'RE NOT EVIL. HOW CAN THIS POSSIBLY WORK?

JESUS
I can be evil. Watch, I'll show you. Come with me.

JESUS and ASTEROTH leave through a door which has just opened by them.
They exit through the door in a flash of red mist and come out on a
private school's playing field during sports day.

JESUS
See that child, the sweet one with the blonde hair?

ASTEROTH
Disgusting, but yes, I see her.

JESUS
Well, she's very devoted, always attends chapel, very kind to animals.
Now watch...

The child is in the middle of her race. JESUS flicks a finger her way
and her shoelaces tie by themselves. The child trips and starts to
cry.

JESUS
There, look. She's crying. You can't tell me that wasn't evil.

ASTEROTH
Nice one. Maybe next time you could try something like this...

ASTEROTH flicks his own finger and the child explodes. Parents and
teachers go mad in panic.

JESUS
Was that completely necessary?

ASTEROTH
No, but that's the whole point of evil. Evil is as evil does. It's just
a bit of fun.

JESUS
Let's go back.

JESUS and ASTEROTH leave through the same doorway.

INT. JESUS' OFFICE.

JESUS is sat with his Demons and assorted PA's.

JESUS
Welcome gentlemen and ladies (JESUS smiles warmly at Jezebel.) to the
first of our weekly staff meetings. This is an open forum gentlemen, so
please speak your mind here. Now we know the problems involved in
destroying mankind and bringing about the end of days etcetera, but we
need to find ways of overcoming those problems. I want you to think of
me as a troubleshooter, helping to smooth the path to Armageddon. Let'
start by throwing some ideas out there. We call it
brainstorming...

ASTEROTH
I don't fucking believe this...

JESUS
So what do people think?

DEMON 1
I'd like to see burning lakes of fire.

JESUS
Pollute the environment. Good.

DEMON 2
I want the streets paved with rotting corpses.

JESUS
War and insurrection. Good, that's definitely a go-er.

DEMON 3
How about Country and Western music? There must be a place for it in
any of our plans.

JESUS
Absolutely. It makes me shudder just to think of it. And how about
Country and Western Karaoke as the number one participant sport? Heaven
will never see that coming.

JESUS flashes a warm smile at JEZEBEL as the DEMONS murmur approval.
ASTEROTH turns to VLAD and whispers.

ASTEROTH
You know, I think he's starting to get it.

VLAD
What, karaoke?

ASTEROTH
No you imbecile. Look at him... He's proud of himself.

VLAD
So...?

ASTEROTH
Pride's a sin. I wonder...