Valentine's Pome

This year, in order to save on Valentine’s Day guilt,
Why not put some effort into your indifference?
Show her you really don’t care
With a KFC bucket and warm can of Tizer.
You’ll find the Shell garage does an excellent range
Of cheap, petrol soaked chrysanthemums;
Their wilting brown petals the perfect metaphor
For every dying relationship.

This year, why not say it with a bargain rack card
Nothing says: I’m being forced to give a damn
By the over-powering arm of consumerism
Quite like a roses are red / violets are blue verse
With a smutty final couplet.
Ideally with a teddy bear committing a sexual act.
If you’re feeling particularly mysterious
don’t add your own message.

And why not buy a special edition iPod Nano?
Have it engraved with some meaningful phrase
Then listen to it throughout dinner.
Sing along to Cradle of Filth.
If she objects, say it’s your Valentine’s Day too
And if she really loved you like she says she does
She’d let you watch Match of the Day.
If this fails – talk about yourself.

Yes, this year, don’t go for half measures
If you’re going to mess up – do it spectacularly
If you’re going to be late – make it an hour
And if she asks where you’ve been, say “pub.” Then belch.
And don’t just forget to book a table
Blow up the restaurant with a home made bomb.
Then tomorrow morning, when this nonsense is over
Take her a cup of tea in bed and say: “I love you.”