White Midnight

There was faintness in my heart when I smiled
wearing a brave face for you,
for you and for me.
I can be so brave
when I put my mind to it.
You should know I have a simple rule:
Hold the tears until I'm alone.

Sometimes I even keep the rule.

I know I look awful when I cry,
worse still when the tears have stopped
and there is just emptiness
in my lonely heart.

The wind played with your hair
like I once did
so soft and curled
yielding around my fingers,
do you remember the bath?

Gravel crunching underfoot
coats rippling in the brittle air
the city a spreading carpet of fairy lights below us
white mountain clutching at caramel skies.

Two women on a white mountain
secret meetings and a secret love
that began in a coffee shop
on a wet Thursday afternoon
while waiting for your husband.
Waiting and smiling while I hoped
he would never arrive.

But he did,
arriving late
wet and flustered
car parked so far way in the rain
late to meet you
and too late to stop you falling in love.

Do you remember our first kiss?

You have to make choices
we all do in our own small ways
life is a difficult puzzle
with no solution,
nothing to see.

Is this how it ends?
meeting in a car park to say goodbye,
being so brave
hearts silently shattering
while life goes on around us?

What am I going to do
with your photographs
and your lace handkerchief
I keep in my lingerie drawer?

What am I going to do with out you?