Y - Monster Problems (A Sketch)
By simon66
- 893 reads
Monster Problems
(It is late at night and a man is walking his dog down a leafy lane.
The dog barks, whimpers etc. and runs away. Man turns round and is
surprised to see someone stood behind him dressed in full on vampire
outfit.)
Man: Oh you startled me.
Vampire: You are right to be afraid.
Man: I didn't say I was afraid, just startled. Should I be
afraid?
Vampire: Oh yes. Look at me and see your fate sealed in my eyes.
Man: Yes, that is quite scary.
Vampire: Do you not see what I am?
Man: Give me a clue.
(Vampire smiles and displays a lovely set of fangs.)
Man: They do look sharp.
Vampire: You will soon know how sharp my friend.
Man: So you're a vampire?
Vampire: I am a creature of the night, wandering this place seeking new
victims to slake my unholy thirst.
Man: You must be lonely.
(Vampire pauses.)
Vampire: Now, meet your doom.
Man: Do you always avoid difficult subjects?
Vampire: Do not question me mortal. You waste your final moments with
trivial matters.
Man: You do avoid them.
Vampire: I weary of your incessant ramblings. They tire me. Now
die.
Man: Oh, go on then.
Vampire: Are you not afraid?
Man: It seems to me that if you really are a vampire, then I'm going to
die anyway. That being the case, I see little point in giving you the
satisfaction of screaming and crying.
Vampire: What kind of a weirdo are you?
Man: I'm not a weirdo, I'm a psychiatrist.
(Man passes his business card to the vampire.)
Man: You know, I meant what I said about avoiding difficult
issues.
Vampire: I don't.
Man: Why is it so important that I should be afraid of you?
Vampire: I am a vampire. The Undead. Nosferatu. I strike terror into
the hearts of all those that I encounter.
Man: Not quite all.
Vampire: No, quite so. It appears there are some people who are so
feeble minded that they do not fear me as I should be feared.
Man: I think you have some serious self-respect issues.
Vampire: Oh your impudence will cost you dear.
Man: In fact, if you were around in the daylight, I bet you'd have some
huge convertible, probably red.
Vampire: I did have rather a nice carriage in the old country. It was
quite big.
Man: And a huge stereo system?
Vampire: It came with a string quartet as standard. I didn't ask for
it.
Man: Did it help with the ladies?
Vampire: I needed no help enticing maidens. (Pause) Well, maybe it
helped a little. (Pause) No, it didn't help. The villagers used to
laugh at me.
Man: And how did that make you feel?
Vampire: I made them pay for their merry-making.
Man: And so the pain went away?
Vampire: Yes... Well, at first it did.
Man: But you can still hear their taunts can't you?
Vampire: Those ignorant fools knew nothing of me. They thought me
superficial. They could not understand that I had feelings too. I was a
sensitive boy.
Man: Tell me about your father. What kind of a dad was he?
Vampire: My father was a great man. He was the scourge of all
Wallachia. Everything I know about pillaging, I learned from him. Yes,
a great man.
Man: Did he ever tell you that he loved you?
Vampire: There was no such weakness in him.
Man: No hugs?
Vampire: Hugs? Your hugs will not save you from an invading army of
Turks ready to crack open your skull and eat your brain with their
fingers.
Man: I bet you'd love a hug.
Vampire: I should snap your backbone for this disrespect.
Man: Come on, give us a hug.
Vampire: No, I couldn't. It wouldn't be right.
Man: No-one will see. Come on, it'll make you feel better.
Vampire: Quickly then.
(They hug.)
Man: How was that?
Vampire: I felt nothing.
Man: Really?
Vampire: It was okay.
Man: Only okay?
Vampire: Quite nice then.
Man: You know, if you came to see me professionally, I bet we could
have you sorted out in no time.
Vampire: You really think so?
Man: I'm sure of it.
Vampire: I don't know&;#8230; therapy. It makes me sound like a
lunatic.
Man: It's not like that. It's more like having a non-judgemental friend
with whom you can share your feelings. Someone to talk to.
Vampire: Is it expensive?
Man: It's a lot more reasonable than people think. Anyway, who can put
a price on peace of mind?
Vampire: What should I do?
Man: You've got my card. Call my secretary and make an appointment.
That's all there is to it.
Vampire: And you have evening appointments?
Man: I fit my appointments to my clients' needs.
Vampire: Okay, I'll call.
Man: Right then. It's been nice meeting you&;#8230;
Mr&;#8230;erm?
Vampire: Count, Count Golok.
Man: So, I better go find my dog. Bye.
(Man turns and starts to walk away. Viewed from behind vampire.)
Vampire: Wait a moment Doctor.
(Man turns around.)
Vampire: Aren't you forgetting something?
(Vampire lifts his arms and man is obscured by cape.)
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