Y - Monster Problems (A Sketch)

Monster Problems

(It is late at night and a man is walking his dog down a leafy lane.
The dog barks, whimpers etc. and runs away. Man turns round and is
surprised to see someone stood behind him dressed in full on vampire
outfit.)

Man: Oh you startled me.

Vampire: You are right to be afraid.

Man: I didn't say I was afraid, just startled. Should I be
afraid?

Vampire: Oh yes. Look at me and see your fate sealed in my eyes.

Man: Yes, that is quite scary.

Vampire: Do you not see what I am?

Man: Give me a clue.

(Vampire smiles and displays a lovely set of fangs.)

Man: They do look sharp.

Vampire: You will soon know how sharp my friend.

Man: So you're a vampire?

Vampire: I am a creature of the night, wandering this place seeking new
victims to slake my unholy thirst.

Man: You must be lonely.

(Vampire pauses.)

Vampire: Now, meet your doom.

Man: Do you always avoid difficult subjects?

Vampire: Do not question me mortal. You waste your final moments with
trivial matters.

Man: You do avoid them.

Vampire: I weary of your incessant ramblings. They tire me. Now
die.

Man: Oh, go on then.

Vampire: Are you not afraid?

Man: It seems to me that if you really are a vampire, then I'm going to
die anyway. That being the case, I see little point in giving you the
satisfaction of screaming and crying.

Vampire: What kind of a weirdo are you?

Man: I'm not a weirdo, I'm a psychiatrist.

(Man passes his business card to the vampire.)

Man: You know, I meant what I said about avoiding difficult
issues.

Vampire: I don't.

Man: Why is it so important that I should be afraid of you?

Vampire: I am a vampire. The Undead. Nosferatu. I strike terror into
the hearts of all those that I encounter.

Man: Not quite all.

Vampire: No, quite so. It appears there are some people who are so
feeble minded that they do not fear me as I should be feared.

Man: I think you have some serious self-respect issues.

Vampire: Oh your impudence will cost you dear.

Man: In fact, if you were around in the daylight, I bet you'd have some
huge convertible, probably red.

Vampire: I did have rather a nice carriage in the old country. It was
quite big.

Man: And a huge stereo system?

Vampire: It came with a string quartet as standard. I didn't ask for
it.

Man: Did it help with the ladies?

Vampire: I needed no help enticing maidens. (Pause) Well, maybe it
helped a little. (Pause) No, it didn't help. The villagers used to
laugh at me.

Man: And how did that make you feel?

Vampire: I made them pay for their merry-making.

Man: And so the pain went away?

Vampire: Yes... Well, at first it did.

Man: But you can still hear their taunts can't you?

Vampire: Those ignorant fools knew nothing of me. They thought me
superficial. They could not understand that I had feelings too. I was a
sensitive boy.

Man: Tell me about your father. What kind of a dad was he?

Vampire: My father was a great man. He was the scourge of all
Wallachia. Everything I know about pillaging, I learned from him. Yes,
a great man.

Man: Did he ever tell you that he loved you?

Vampire: There was no such weakness in him.

Man: No hugs?

Vampire: Hugs? Your hugs will not save you from an invading army of
Turks ready to crack open your skull and eat your brain with their
fingers.

Man: I bet you'd love a hug.

Vampire: I should snap your backbone for this disrespect.

Man: Come on, give us a hug.

Vampire: No, I couldn't. It wouldn't be right.

Man: No-one will see. Come on, it'll make you feel better.

Vampire: Quickly then.

(They hug.)

Man: How was that?

Vampire: I felt nothing.

Man: Really?

Vampire: It was okay.

Man: Only okay?

Vampire: Quite nice then.

Man: You know, if you came to see me professionally, I bet we could
have you sorted out in no time.

Vampire: You really think so?

Man: I'm sure of it.

Vampire: I don't know&;#8230; therapy. It makes me sound like a
lunatic.

Man: It's not like that. It's more like having a non-judgemental friend
with whom you can share your feelings. Someone to talk to.

Vampire: Is it expensive?

Man: It's a lot more reasonable than people think. Anyway, who can put
a price on peace of mind?

Vampire: What should I do?

Man: You've got my card. Call my secretary and make an appointment.
That's all there is to it.

Vampire: And you have evening appointments?

Man: I fit my appointments to my clients' needs.

Vampire: Okay, I'll call.

Man: Right then. It's been nice meeting you&;#8230;
Mr&;#8230;erm?

Vampire: Count, Count Golok.

Man: So, I better go find my dog. Bye.

(Man turns and starts to walk away. Viewed from behind vampire.)

Vampire: Wait a moment Doctor.
(Man turns around.)

Vampire: Aren't you forgetting something?

(Vampire lifts his arms and man is obscured by cape.)