Hearts Bleed Tears

"Daddy! Daddy!"

Jake Malone lifted the bottle to his lips as he heard Missy's voice in
his head. Tears streamed out of his green eyes and down his grizzled
cheeks.

"Play with me, Daddy! Please?" Her little five year old eyes looked up
at him with hope and happiness. She was always Daddy's little girl. He
loved his daughter so much, had spent hours playing with her. He'd sit
in her room and watch as she had tea parties for her dolls and teddy
bears. He watched as she diligently ironed their clothes on her play
ironing board. They read books together, played games and put puzzles
together.

"Am I a good mommy?" She asked him once as she meticulously gave her
favorite doll a bath in the kitchen sink.

"You're the best mommy a doll could have," he told her and looked over
her head to Cindy.

Missy had taken after her mother in every way. She had soft blond hair
and big blue eyes and porcelain-like skin. She was nurturing and sweet
and shy.

When they were both killed in the car accident, Jake thought he was
going to die with them. He had lost his mind at the very least. They'd
been gone for seven months and since then, Jake had turned into a
terrible drunk. He'd taken a leave of absence from the force. He was a
great detective who had become a bad drinker.

Today would have been Cindy's 27th birthday. Jake wished he could just
sleep the day away and forget everything. But Eddie wouldn't let
him.

"Damnit, Jake, look at you," Eddie Flanagan said as he grabbed Jake by
the front of his sweaty, stained tee-shirt. "My best cop and you're
falling apart! Get your act together or I'll beat the crap out of you.
I swear to God I will!"

Jake looked up at Eddie through glazed eyes as he sat sprawled on the
couch of his living room. The house was filthy and smelly. Cindy would
have a fit if she saw the way he kept the house, or didn't keep it. She
had always kept it nice and clean and tidy and smelling like flowers.
Now it looked like a slum.

"Leave...me...alone," Jake slurred to his best friend and captain.
"I...just...want...to...die."

"That can be arranged, buddy!" And suddenly, Eddie grabbed Jake and
lifted him to his feet. "This pity party has gone on long enough! Do
you hear me? You are going to go upstairs and take a good, long cold
shower! And while you're doing that I'm going to make you a nice, hot
breakfast! And after that, I'm taking you to the park! And while we're
there we're going to walk around the lake 20, maybe 30 times. You need
to get some fresh air. This house is like a morgue! Damnit, Jake, I
love you! I hate seeing you like this!"

Jake suddenly burst into tears and shook his head.
"I...can't...I...just...can't."

"You can and you will!" Eddie lifted Jake over his shoulder and carried
him upstairs.

Jake Malone was a large man. He stood at six feet and five inches and
his once hard, muscular body had turned to mush ever since he stopped
giving a damn about himself. But Eddie was strong as well as
determined. He got Jake upstairs and in the shower.

An hour later, Jake was shaved and freshly scrubbed and smelling of
cucumbers and mint. He was sitting at the kitchen table, a huge plate
of bacon, eggs and toast in front of him. Eddie set down two steaming
mugs of coffee and sat across the table from him.

"Eat," Eddie ordered. "I don't cook for just anybody, you know."

But the idea of putting food in his stomach made Jake sick. He looked
at Eddie. "Why are you doing this? Why can't you leave me alone?" His
voice was soft and shaky.

"Because you're my best friend. We've been best friends for 30 years,
ever since we were in the playpen together. You're a great guy and a
brilliant cop. All this talent going to waste...do you think Cindy
would have wanted this? She would have wanted you to go on with your
life, not die with her."

Tears filled Jake's eyes again. "I did die with her. My life isn't
worth living without her and Missy. I wish I was dead. I really
do."

"Stupid jerk." Eddie took a sip of his coffee. "What do I have to do to
get through to you?"

"Just leave me alone," Jake whispered. "Let me be miserable."

"Fool." Eddie pushed Jake's coffee cup closer to him. "Drink this. It
will help clear your mind."

"I need a real drink. Where's that bottle?"

Jake began to stand up and Eddie grabbed him. Overcome by anger and
sadness for his friend, Eddie punched Jake in the face and he fell over
in his arms.

Fifteen minutes later, Jake was back on the couch, rubbing his hurting
jaw where Eddie had socked him. "Why'd you do that for?" He
asked.

Eddie gave him an ice pack and watched as Jake applied it to himself.
"Because you're my friend. You're like a brother to me. I love you,
man. You're my kid's godfather. You never, ever took a drink before
this happened. You wouldn't even touch a beer. Now I'm not your best
friend anymore. Jack Daniels is. Look at you. You're a mess. You need
to get your life back in order. It's what Cindy would have wanted for
you. It's what she would have expected."

"I miss her," Jake whispered. "I can't go on without her."

"You haven't tried but guess what? You can and you will. And I'm going
to help you. It's time, Jake. It's time. Now come and eat your
breakfast. After that, we are going walking in the park. And that's
that."

-----------------

"Mommy! Mommy!"

Holly Mullen smiled as her daughter Ashley ran into her arms. "What is
it, baby?"

"Nothing, Mommy! I just love you." The five year old threw her arms
around her mother's neck and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"I love you too, baby." She kissed her back. "Why don't we sit down and
eat our lunch now?"

"Okay!"

Holly led her child to the red and white checkered blanket that she had
set up under the shade of the huge, old oak tree. It was close to the
lake where Ashley could watch the ducks splashing about.

"Peanut butter and jelly!" Ashley squealed as Holly gave her a sandwich
on a white paper plate.

"Here's a napkin, sweetie." Holly placed one in front of her.

"Thank you!"

Holly smiled as she watched her daughter bite into her sandwich. She
was such a happy, polite little child. She was always smiling and had
been her strength when Dave had died. She had to be because Holly had
fallen apart.

Ashley was a combination of her and Dave. They both had dark hair and
blue eyes and olive skin. She was a beautiful little child and everyone
who saw her always commented on how striking she was.

Holly thought of Dave. She always did at times like this. He'd been
gone for two years and Holly had learned to live her life without him.
That was the part of being a fireman's wife that she never really
thought she had to deal with. Ashley didn't remember her Daddy but she
often spoke of him, asking Holly questions about him.

"Was my daddy brave?" Ashley once asked her.

"He was very brave, sweetie," Holly answered. "He died saving a little
boy's life."

"Is he in Heaven?"

And Holly had nodded because she'd been too choked up to answer
her.

Ashley would forget about her daddy and then go on to the next thing.
But from time to time she would ask about him and Holly would remember
all the wonderful things that had made Dave so special to her.

Dave had been brave and strong but there was a side of him that Holly
loved even more. He had been a romantic, enjoying picnics and reading
poetry and drinking wine in the bathtub with her.

"There isn't anything else I'd rather do than hold you in my arms." He
would tell her every single day.

They were planning on having another baby but fate had ended that.
Holly was grateful that she had Ashley. Her daughter was her pride and
joy.

"I love peanut butter and jelly." Ashley grinned with a mouth full of
grape Welch's.

Holly smiled. "I know you do. You're going to look like a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich."

Ashley giggled. "That's silly, Mommy!"

"You're silly."

They watched the ducks as they ate and Holly never felt happier. She
loved her daughter so much and was so grateful to be able to have
picnics in the park with her.

---------------------

Jake had to admit that if felt wonderful to be outside. It was a
gorgeous day and the sun felt good on his skin. The warmth of the air
made the coldness in his heart disappear for awhile. He smiled at
Eddie, grateful that he had such a kind and caring friend.

"What are you smiling at?" Eddie asked him.

"You. I'm glad you're my friend."

"I told you that you'd appreciate me someday."

"Can we stop awhile? I'm so out of shape I need to rest."

"Sure."

They sat on a bench together.

They talked for awhile. They watched the ducks splashing in the lake.
Jake watched a fisherman hook a catfish. And then his eyes traveled to
a young woman picnicking with a small child.

"Looker, ain't she?" Eddie asked as his eyes went to where Jake's were.
"And it's funny but I have a feeling I know her from somewhere."

"She reminds me a little of Cindy. It's not because she looks like her.
It's just her mannerisms, the way she is with the little girl."

"I guess you're right. The girl is adorable, isn't she?"

"Yea," Jake said softly, "she is."

His eyes couldn't leave the two. No matter how hard he tried, he could
not break his gaze away from them. He found it fascinating the way they
talked and laughed together. It brought a smile to his face. For the
first time in months, Jake Malone was smiling. Even though he was
reminded of Cindy and Missy as he watched them, it was a happy feeling,
not an empty, sad one.

He watched as they finished their lunch and then the little girl
snuggled up to the woman. They read a storybook together. After that
they got up and threw a ball back and forth to each other. The ball was
pink and had Tweety Bird on it. Missy had the same exact ball.

"Look, Eddie. You see that little girl?" He looked at his friend and
saw that he had fallen asleep.

"Some company you turned out to be," Jake whispered and stood up. He
walked closer to where the young woman was playing with the little
girl. Suddenly, the big, pink Tweety Bird ball came rolling on the
grass toward him.

Jake picked it up and watched as the little girl ran toward him to
retrieve her ball.

He grinned at her. "Hi. Does this belong to you?"

She nodded and smiled at him. Jake could see that she was missing a
tooth. That made her look even more adorable.

"You like Tweety Bird?" He asked.

She nodded again. "Tweety Bird's my favorite. Mommy's too."

Jake saw the young woman approaching too.

"Ashley?" She called.

Jake smiled at her. "Is she your daughter?"

She nodded and he could see the uncertainty on her lovely face. He was
a total stranger talking to her young daughter. Of course that would
make her nervous. He was a cop. He'd seen that look before plenty of
times.

"Forgive me," He said to her as he handed the little girl her ball.
"It's just that my daughter loved Tweety Bird too. She had the same
exact ball and she...she died a few months ago. I didn't mean...I'm
sorry." Tears filled his eyes and he turned away.

That broke Holly's resolve. "I'm sorry," she said to him, "about your
daughter, I mean."

He turned back to her, not ashamed that tears were running down his
face. "She was killed in a car accident along with my wife. It's been
rough."

"I'm sure it has been." Her voice was kind. "I understand how you feel.
My husband was killed in a fire two years ago. So I do
understand."

He was horrified to hear that. "I'm sorry," he told her, "It must be
hard for you, raising a young child alone."

She shook her head. "Ashley's a wonderful kid. I'm so lucky to have
her."

He looked down at the little girl as she threw her ball up in the
air.

"Yes, you are," He whispered. He held his hand out to the lovely young
woman. "I'm Jake Malone. I'm a detective with the 23rd precinct."

She shook his hand and Jake liked the way she felt. She was soft and
warm and he found that comforting. "My name is Holly Mullen. This is my
daughter Ashley."

"Hello, Ashley." He held his hand out to her. "It's nice to meet
you."

"It's nice to meet you too." She shook his hand. "Will you play catch
with me?"

He looked at Holly to see if it was all right. She nodded and smiled at
him. "I'd love to," he told the little girl.

"How about a sandwich first?" Holly offered. "I have an extra peanut
butter and jelly sandwich in there if you want it."

"Are you sure?" He asked. He had hardly touched the breakfast that
Eddie had cooked for him. All he kept thinking about was taking another
drink. Funny, that was the furthest thing from his mind now.

She made a pb and j sandwich sound like fillet mignon. He sat down on
their red and white checkered blanket with them and watched as she
opened up the white wicker picnic basket. She took out a sandwich that
was wrapped in plastic and handed it to him with a smile.

"Thanks." He smiled back. He finally noticed the dimple she had and he
thought it was adorable.

"I've got some iced tea too," she said and took out a thermos of
it.

"I love peanut butter and jelly," Ashley told him as she sat down right
next to him. "Did your daughter like it?"

He nodded as he took a bite. "She loved it. I think all little girls
do."

Holly poured some iced tea in a plastic cup and gave it to him.

"Thank you," he told her. "You're so kind to me." He turned and looked
at Eddie. His friend was still fast asleep on the bench, snoring his
hear out.

"Friend of yours?" Holly asked.

He nodded. "He's been my best friend ever since we were babies. Now
he's my chief. And my savior."

She settled down on the blanket. "What do you mean?"

He wiped his mouth across a napkin that she had given him. "Let's just
say that I didn't handle the death of my family too well. I developed a
bad drinking habit and this is actually the first time that I've been
out of the house in months."

She gave him a sympathetic look but didn't say anything. He was
grateful for that.

He watched as Ashley grabbed her doll and began to brush her hair. She
was humming happily and then suddenly turned to him and gave him her
big, toothless grin.

He smiled back. "What's your doll's name?"

"Missy," she replied.

Jake began to choke on the piece of sandwich that was in his
mouth.

Holly was next to him hitting him on the back. "Drink." She grabbed his
cup and gave it to him.

Finally, he was better. The sandwich had gone down. His eyes teared
from the effort. "Sorry," he said as he coughed a bit. "I didn't
mean...my daughter's name was Missy. It just knocked me for a
loop."

Holly gave him another compassionate look but Ashley told him, "That's
my favorite name in the world."

"It's short for Melissa," he explained to her. "I think Ashley's a very
pretty name too."

She smiled at him yet again. "Thank you." She giggled and looked at
Holly. "Did you hear what he said, Mommy?"

"I heard, sweetie." She smiled at him.

"Mommy has a pretty name too. She was named after a Christmas plant,"
she explained seriously.

"Yes, your mommy does have a pretty name," he agreed.

Holly smiled. "Thank you."

"No, thank you, for the sandwich and the company. It means so much to
me."

"We have cookies too." Holly reached into the basket again and took out
a plastic bag filled with chocolate chip cookies.

"I helped Mommy bake them," Ashley announced proudly.

"Did you? I bet they taste delicious." He reached into the bag and
grabbed a cookie. He bit into it and then looked at Ashley. "That's the
best cookie I've ever had."

She giggled again. "I love making cookies."

And Jake burst into tears. He couldn't help it. It was all just too
much.

"Jake." Holly put a gentle hand on his shoulder. "What is it? What's
wrong?"

He shook his head and swabbed his eyes with the napkin.

"I'm sorry. It's all just so emotional for me. Today would have been my
wife's birthday. Being here with you and Ashley...you don't look at all
like them. They were blond and light and you guys are dark and...but
still, there's something that makes me think about them, something I
can't put my finger on."

"You remind me of Dave too," she said softly.

Jake looked at her.

"Dave was my husband." She explained.

"Wait a minute. Dave Mullen was your husband?"

She looked at him in surprise. "You knew him?"

"Yes, I knew him. He was a firefighter out of Engine 57. I was out of
town when he died, vacationing in DisneyWorld with my wife at the time.
When I found out that he'd been killed, I was devastated. We played
ball together all the time. Your husband was a great guy, one of the
nicest guys I've ever known. He always talked about you and Ashley. Of
course she was a baby at the time but all he did was brag about you
guys. They set up a fund for you and Ashley and I was part of the
committee to help collect it. It's all coming back to me now. We never
met but I had heard so much about you. Your husband was a really brave
man, a hero. I hope you know that. He didn't die in vain."

She nodded and then covered her mouth with her hand as her own tears
came.

"God, I'm sorry," he said to her and reached out to take her hand. "I
didn't mean to make you cry. I just wanted to let you know that I
thought your husband was a great guy. Well, I'm sure you already knew
that. Dave was a good friend. He had a lot of friends. I suppose he
never mentioned me to you but he was well loved. He always had a smile
on his face. And he was really in love with you. He always talked about
his beautiful wife. Now I can see that he was right. You are
beautiful." He smiled at Ashley. "You both are."

She grinned back at him as she went to her mother, putting her arms
around her neck. This was the happiest child he had ever met in his
life. She was such a joy to be around.

"Don't cry, Mommy." Ashley kissed her. "Daddy's in heaven now and you
said that's a good thing, right?"

She nodded as she held onto her daughter. "I just miss him."

"And Jake misses his daughter a lot. You're both sad. You can be sad
together and then maybe you can both be happy."

It was said in such an innocent way but it made Jake break out into
goosebumps. He had been sad for a long time. He had almost destroyed
his life. He could see how strong Holly was, how strong she had to be.
Maybe it was because she had to be for Ashley's sake but suddenly, he
felt like he was getting a new lease on life.

Then Eddie was behind him. "Are you making the pretty girls cry again?"
He teased him.

Jake turned around to him. "You finally woke up, lazybones?"

"Hey, being with you is a lot of work. Who's this precious little
girl?" He looked at the five year old.

"My name is Ashley," she announced with a smile.

"It's nice to meet you, Ashley. My name's Eddie." He held his hand out
to her.

She shook it and giggled some more.

"Do you remember Dave Mullen?" Jake asked him.

"Of course I do. He was a very brave man. Why?"

"This is his wife Holly."

"No kidding?" Eddie sounded surprised to see that Jake was talking to
her. He held his hand out to her. "I'm so happy to meet you. I don't
suppose you remember me, Eddie Flanagan? I was at Dave's
funeral."

"Of course I remember you. Your wife baked an apple pie for me after
Dave died."

"Yea, that's Jan for you." He chuckled. How have you been? You look
well."

"I'm fine. Thank you."

"Dave talked about you all the time."

She smiled at Jake. "So I heard. Would you like a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich?"

"I'd love one." He sat down on the blanket next to Jake. "Your husband
was a great guy. Everyone loved him." He accepted the sandwich
graciously. "Thank you." He looked at Ashley. "I love pb and j
sandwiches."

She giggled. "Me too. They're my favorite."

His eyes went to Holly again. "She looks like her father."

"Yes, she does."

"Daddy's in heaven now," she said seriously.

"I know, precious." He took a bite of his sandwich. "Do you miss your
daddy?"

She shrugged. "I don't remember him too much. Mommy said he was a good
daddy though. He loved me very much."

"I'm sure he did."

"Did you know that Jake's daughter is in heaven too?"

"Yes, I know," Eddie said softly. "Jake has been very sad for a long,
long time. He really misses her a lot."

"Don't be sad, Jake." She went to him and hugged him. "Mommy was sad
for a long time too but she's better now because she has me. I'll be
your friend too, that way, you won't be sad anymore."

It was a poignant moment. Jake hugged Ashley back. "Thank you,
sweetheart," he whispered in her long, soft hair. "I'd like to be your
friend."

"Why don't you come over for dinner tonight?" Holly offered. "You look
like you could use the company."

Jake looked at Eddie.

"You don't need my permission," he teased him. "I think that's a great
idea."

"Why don't you come over too?" She asked Eddie. "And bring your
wife."

"I'll tell you what," Eddie began. "maybe in the future we can all get
together but for now, I think it's a great idea if you guys got
together, just the two of you. You've both been through similiar
experiences and it would be good for you to get together and talk about
it with each other."

Jake smiled at Holly. "Eddie's trying to play matchmaker now."

She smiled back. "I think he's just being a good friend."

"He is," Jake agreed. "I don't know what I'd do without him. He got me
out of the house today. If he hadn't of done that I would have never
met you."

Holly turned away shyly. Eddie cleared his throat and stood up. "Well,
I hate to eat and run but I really need to get back to the precinct."
He looked at Jake. "Do you want me to take you back home or..."

"I'm fine where I am," he told him as his eyes never left Holly. "I
like it here."

She smiled at him.

"Thank you very much for the sandwich." He shook her hand. "It was one
of the best pb and j sandwiches I've ever had."

"You're welcome."

"And it was nice meeting you." He shook Ashley's hand. "I hope I'll see
you again."

She giggled. "Me too."

Eddie waved to them and then walked away, heading back to his
car.

"He seems real nice," Holly commented.

"He is," Jake agreed. "He's a good friend. Always was."

"He seems to really care about you."

"He does. I've fallen apart and he's trying to get me back together
again." He gazed into her eyes. "And I think it's working, only for the
fact that I met you. I like you, Holly and I hope you like me. You've
given me something today that I never thought I could ever have again.
You and Ashley made me smile. You gave me something to live for today
and I appreciate that more than you know. I'd really like to see
you."

"I'd like that too," she said quietly.

"I've been screwing up my life ever since Cindy and Missy died. But
that's about to change. I can't keep self-destructing. She wouldn't
have wanted that. You're so strong. I know you had to be for Ashley's
sake but I admire you for that. Will you help me be strong too?"

She nodded and took the hand that he held out to her.

Ashley grinned her adorable toothless smile. "Mommy's got a new
boyfriend now."

And as she snuggled next to Jake, he breathed in the apple scent of the
little girl's shampoo. And Jake knew that for as long as he had Holly
and her daughter around him, he would never, ever take another drink
for as long as he lived.