My Dinosaur Era Chapter 13

 

a couple of hours later we end up in shoreham

the industrial strip fades away, the river dominates

the high street is buzzing, people sit out, drinking, laughing

I never come here anymore, used to live over the river, behind the houseboats

too many shadows here, annie moved away, others may remain

I need a piss, I say

I do but I also fancy a livener as my hangover abates

are you up to having a drink, she says

yeah, I think I can manage it, I say

we slip into the crown and anchor, used to come here years ago

watched friday night fights, lager all round lads

I order at the bar, nip away to the toilet

I have a fruity cider, classic morning after pint

petula has a small glass of white wine

we walk through the tables to the back of the pub, sit outside by the river

small boats bounce on the ebb, I can see the roof of my old home

 

I wonder how we look to the people in the bar

the beautiful woman in the pink jumpsuit

older bloke in tow, sallow skin, haunted eyes

I say older, I have no idea how old she is, younger than me

not too young, maybe thirty five, shit, is that obscene

petula, how old are you, I say

I am forty two, tim, she says

just wondered, I mean, it’s not important, I say

well, you must have thought it was worth knowing at least, she says

worth knowing and important are different, I say

that is true, she says, you’re fifty two

I have no secrets that ginny can’t blab, I say

she told me when she first mentioned you, she says

oh, right, like, I know this really old man, I say

no, not like that, it was as if she was reading out a dating profile, she says

what were my interests then, I say

music, drinking, being a melancholic fucker, she says

that sounds entirely like something she would say, I say

oh and biscuits, she said you like biscuits, she says

I don’t have biscuits anymore, I say

oh, ok, she says

I take a big draw from my pint, she turns her glass around by the stem

forty two is fine, not that it matters, not that we’re going to be a couple

she does look younger, must be all the yoga and halloumi

 

message from ginny

are you alive, she says

just about, in shoreham, I say

why, did you get lost, she says

heh, no, petula’s idea, I say

as long as you kids are having fun, she says

kids, heh, we’re both older than you, I say

only in some respects, she says

 

sorry, ginny just checking that I survived being out with her, I say

that’s sweet, says petula, she does seem to care about you

I think she does, hard to tell sometimes, I say

were you two ever a thing, she says

no, never, I say

did it ever get close to that, she says

not really, when we first met, I thought something might happen, I say

why didn’t it, she says

I don’t really know, I say, how did you meet her

it was in a bar, she just came up to me and started telling me I was so beautiful, she says

oh so she was hitting on you, sounds about right, I say

yeah, she asked if she could kiss me, she says

again, sounds like standard ginny, I say

I almost said yes, I’ve never kissed a woman, she says

but you said no, I say

I told her I was into guys and that’s when she mentioned you, she says

just like that, I says

just like that, she says

I’m glad she did, I say

me too, she says

do you want to eat, I say

maybe we can go somewhere else for lunch. she says

yeah, the food here is not great, at least it wasn’t the last time I was here, I say

ok, I’ll have a check on my phone, see what looks good, she says

my pint is done, she’s only had half her wine, no rush today

I might get a glass of wine, to keep you company, I say

sorry, I drink so slowly, sure, go ahead, she says

I go to the bar, order a large rioja

looking back at petula, bringing the table to life

legs crossed, squinting into her phone

perhaps checking the local ship situation

I take a big sip of my wine before I leave the bar

ashamed that I bought a big glass, no one would care

there’s not much that I fancy, she says, not sure I am even that hungry

I sit down, take another sip of wine, diminish it

we could just go back to brighton, I say, I’m not starving either

ok then, she says

the rioja is surprisingly good, I think about bilbao

sitting by another river, drinking bottles of this stuff

I hold up the glass, watch the sun light it up

you look like you’re enjoying that, she says

yeah, it’s not bad, made me think of bilbao, drinking it there, I say

I’ve never been, she says

it’s a beautiful place, I try and go there when I can, I say

well, as your between jobs, you could go now, she says

I suppose I could, I say

 

we take the long route to the station, along the high street, over the bridge

find our way down to the far side of the river, behind the houseboats

we walk past the back fence of my old home, another brief landing space

I try to see over the fence, check the garden for changes

glimpses of lawn add nothing, is the fence taller now, could be

we walk close to each other along the narrow path

stopping to gaze at some of the wondrous marine creations

an old german frigate repurposed as waterside home

hamish’s crazy glass panels that form a bay window

the boat transformed into a giant dragonfly

do you know him, she says

hamish, not really, I used to say hello to him when I lived over here, I say

that’s some good stuff he was on when he came up with that, she says

I can feel the two quick drinks swirling in my head

I close my eyes for a moment as we stand by the boat, petula takes my hand

her fingers so gently ease their way into mine, I open my eyes

she is still in awe of hamish’s handiwork, looking out and up into the insect eyes

I look at her neck, the curve seems unseemingly perfect

even her ears seem to be mini sculptures

created by a japanese master, took them a decade to complete

I want to pinch her, gently, just to check, that this is real

she looks back to me, smiling, I look straight back into her eyes

slight convulsion in my abdomen, I miss a breath, vision wobbling

partly the booze, partly petula’s face

what are you thinking about, she says

how much I like your big weird face, I say

I like your face too, it’s very well put together, especially your nose, she says

my nose, it’s a bit big, isn’t it, I say

she runs a finger down it, skiing from my forehead to my mouth

yes, it’s a good nose, tim, she says

I mean, thanks, I say

what time’s the next train, she says

I have no idea, I say

nor have I, she says

 

we walk along the path, our fingers still touching, not holding hands

yet not, not holding hands, palms meeting between us

like this is how people should hold hands

not the grasping, the clasping, too urgent, desperate

this, this is how it should be done