My Dinosaur Era Chapter 4

 

ginny had known for a few weeks about jane

not when she brought us together

that was because she saw how lonely we both were and decided to create a union, she said that she knew it was the correct thing to do the moment she saw my face at her door

you looked so sad and so did she, she said, I knew you could only be happier together

 

jane had told her that her main regret was never getting married

marry timmy, ginny told her

why would he want to marry me now, jane said

because he definitely loves you and he wants you to be happy, said ginny

ok but how can I tell him, it’s all so difficult, said jane

I will tell him, said ginny

and that is how it happened

 

when I went back to jane’s flat, she was there, by the door, hovering, ready for me as I entered

 

oh timmy, she said, oh timmy 

and she threw her arms around me

I could smell wine on her breath, I thought you didn’t like it, I said

I don’t, she said, but I found some in the cupboard and I wanted to try

why didn’t you tell me that you were going to die, I said

how do you tell someone that, someone you love this deeply, she said

yes, I suppose, I said, I love you too

 

we finished the wine 

started to watch peep show from the beginning,

naked under a sheet on the sofa

she had never seen it, me on my sixth rewatch

isn’t that the oscar woman, she said

olivia colman, I said

oh yes, oh my, is she in this, she said

she is, she is in it a lot, I said

 

the sadness that should have prevailed could not breathe in the room with us

we choked it with our kindness to each other

every biscuit proffered

each wiggle of our fingers

all the minutes of us

conspired to push the grief into the corners

 

in the morning I made coffee from the skyscraper machine and took it to her in bed, it was raining and the corner of sea that I could see was grey

a seagull swooped past the window

it eyed me for a beat

swooped away, back into the dullness

 

as I put the coffee down on the bedside table

there it was, the sadness that we had shooed away last night

I looked at her ear and imagined it as ashes scattered from the pier

I slid back in next to her, kissed her on the cheek

I sprawled myself over her, covering her protecting her

listening for the sickness inside her

 

tears came

one bounced into her closed eye

momentarily balancing on her lashes

timmy, you musn’t cry, she said, eyes still closed

I tried to pull the tear back in, I retract that cry

she put her hand on my chest, drawing circles in the hair

eyes opened slowly

we don’t have the time for tears my love, she said

I know, I said

I think dying people are meant to do all the things they wanted to do before they die

like a bucket list, she said

like make a wish kids, I said

yes, she laughed, yes, just like that

you wished you could get married and that will be coming true, I said

I know, she said, kissing me on the cheek

what else do you want to do, I said

eat biscuits with you, watch peep show with you, she said, oh and I want to have a kfc bucket because I have never had one and they look lovely

they’re not, I said

oh, she said

I mean, they are but they are also not, I said, but we should have one, the really big one that is meant for twelve people or whatever it is

ok, let’s do that, she said, but I mainly want to get married to you

ginny is on the case

she had already been to see about getting an emergency license

do you think we should kiss, I said

now, she said

yes, I said

yes, she said

 

we kissed that morning for the first time, we barely stopped kissing for the rest of her life

 

we had a ridiculously proportioned KFC bucket, each

we were married a week later

made it to season seven of peep show before she became too sick

 

she died five weeks later, her last biscuit was a bourbon, her favourite

 

I refused to cry at her funeral, at least till I got back home

ginny sat with me for a couple of days, making us both vodka milkshakes

we finished off peep show

I never had KFC again

 

I stayed in the flat for another month, she’d inherited it from her grandmother and now it was being passed further along the chain

it was being sold, her estate split between some family and a few charities

 

she left me £17719.73

my date of birth

 

I walked down the stairs to the outer hallway, looked up at the banisters above me

I was leaving our love here, like a time capsule for future generations to discover