Princess Britney

In Olden Times (Approx. 2,500 words)

The king's proclamation had reached even the tiny village where Abe
lived. "Whomsoever," it said, in true proclamationese, " rescues the
princess Britney from the foul clutches of the evil wizard shall wed
her and be heir to my throne." Yes, an evil wizard had kidnapped the
princess and spirited her away to his castle in the Dark Woods. The
wizard was known only by his initials, T.V. and had malevolent powers.
It was said that too much exposure to him addled people's brains.

"I'm going to find the princess," said Abe to his mother. "I'm off to
the woods."

"But many knights have already gone off to rescue her," said his
mother, "and none have returned."

"No wonder. Look at all that armor a knight has to wear. They can
hardly move around and can barely see through that visor."

"But who'll help me bring in the crops?"

"Don't worry. I'll be back before long."

"All right. But if you must go take Bob with you."

Bob was the family dragon. Wait a minute, you say, aren't dragons
supposed to be bad, nasty foul-smelling creatures who went around
breathing fire and eating people? True, as in every species there were
some bad apples but by and large dragons have gotten a bad rap. Bob had
been with the family for years and his ability to breathe fire was very
helpful when it came to clearing woods.

"Okay," said Abe. "I'll go get him."

"I want you to be careful out there. Don't forget what happened to
that Smythe boy, Jack. He bought some beans from a sly peddler, threw
them into his back yard, a big beanstalk grew overnight, he climbed up
it and was never seen again."

"But I thought he found the goose that laid golden eggs up there and
lived happily ever after."

"Humph! A nice fairy tale. But don't you believe it."

"Don't worry. I'll be careful."
"I'll pack you a good lunch. And dress warmly. And don't forget to
take your rubbers. It might rain."

As can be seen, mothers in olden times were pretty much the same as
mothers today.

The sun was shining, making the forest appear golden. Birds sang as if
as all was right with the world and there were no evil wizards in it.
"Help," cried a voice.

"Where'd that come from?" asked Jack.

"Up there," said Bob.

Sure enough, up in a tree was a plump white-haired woman who looked
liked everyone's grandmother.

"Here I am," she said. "Up in this tree.
"Please, won't you rescue me?"

"How'd you get up there?" asked Jack.

"I'm Marge, the witch. I had trouble navigating on my new broom
And wound up here, worse luck.
Then I dropped the broom so I'm stuck."

"But I thought witches were supposed to be ugly hags who did bad
things."

"We may have some bad apples
But this is not true.
We witches are people
Just like you."

"How come you talk in rhyme?"

"I learned in witches school
Making spells all in rhyme.
It became a habit,
Now I do it all the time."

"Okay," said Jack. "We'll get you down. Bob, do your stuff."

Bob stood next to the tree and raised his long tail. Marge the witch
caught hold of it and slid down.

"Ah, that's better
Now I'm safe and sound.
It feels good to have
My feet back on the ground.
What are you two doing here, may I ask?
Do you have some important task?"

"Yes, in fact we have." Jack explained about his search for the
kidnapped princess.

"A noble aim a princess to rescue.
And dangerous but perhaps I can help you.
Getting to the wizard's castle won't be play.
Take this map to show you the way."
Jack took the map. "Thanks," he said. "That will be very
useful."

"Take this ring, too.
I don't know exactly what it'll do.
But take it anyway.
What can it hurt, I always say."

"Thanks again. It's getting late so we'd better be on our way. Now I'm
talking in rhyme, too. It's contagious. Watch out for trees and don't
forget your broom."

By late afternoon, Jack and Bob had reached the Dark Woods. Here the
trees reached up to blot out the sky and on occasion also reached out
to grab them. No more birds were singing. The silence was ominous. They
had just reached a bridge which spanned a black river when there was a
thunderous crash in the undergrowth and a knight clad all in black
armor astride a huge black horse suddenly appeared.
"Yikes!" said Bob, leaping backward. Jack rubbed the ring that Marge
the Witch had given him but nothing happened.

"Halt," roared the knight. "No one may pass over this bridge."

"Who are you?" asked Jack.

"I'm the guardian of the bridge, appointed by the evil wizard to keep
out intruders. He hates unexpected guests."

"I don't blame him," said Jack. "But I'm Jack and this is my dragon
Bob. We have to cross the bridge to get to the evil wizard's castle so
we can rescue the princess Britney."

"Yes, I"ve heard of her. Is she truly beautiful?"

"Truly. So, can we pass?"

"Regretfully, no."

"Bob, show this knight what you can do."

Bob reared up on his back legs and let out a terrific blast of
flame."

"Very impressive," said the knight.

"You can imagine what it could do to you encased in all that armor.
You'd be cooked."

"I don't know, I'm a pretty good hand at fighting dragons. But you do
have a point. It's not an easy job guarding this bridge day and night.
It doesn't give me much time for a home life. They sometimes call me
the Lonesome Knight. If you'll stay over and be my guests tonight I'll
let you cross over tomorrow."

"We're in a real hurry," replied Jack. "How about if we just stay for
dinner?"

The Lonesome Knight appeared to consider for a moment. "All right," he
said. "I can live with that. I'll ride on ahead to my castle and alert
my chef. He hasn't cooked for guests in ages. This will be a gala
evening."

By the time Jack and Bob were able to get away from the Lonesome
Knight it was quite late. It was almost pitch black in the Dark Woods
and to follow their map Jack had to read it by the light of the
flames
that Bob softly puffed out every now and then. Finally, at the end of
the Woods, they saw the castle looming up fiercely against a
threatening sky. Bolts of lightning flashed against the castle's spires
and a low rumble of thunder filled the heavy air. "I don't like the
looks of this," said Bob.

"No, it doesn't look like the place to spend your vacation. Well,
let's go and see if anyone's at home."

Jack had expected that the castle would be guarded by monsters or
trolls but there didn't seem to be any of those although they saw a
large number of toads hopping about. The door of the castle was open.
They went in and there in a kind of anteroom was a large owl sitting at
a desk. No, on second look, it was an owlish-looking person scribbling
something into a large book.

"Er, excuse me," said Jack. "We're looking for the evil wizard. Is he
in?"

The owl-person looked up, seemingly startled, and cleared his throat.
"Do you have an appointment?" he asked.

"Well, no," said Jack.

"Then come back tomorrow."

"We've come a long way and it's important that we see him."

"The wizard is busy. Don't you know it's almost midnight? A prime time
for working on spells."

"It's about the Princess Britney. He'll want to know what we have to
say."

"Well, all right. I'll ask him. I'll be right back." The owl-person
rose from behind the desk and maybe he was actually an owl because he
seemed to fly through the door into the next room. Jack and Bob edged
closer to the door, trying to hear what was being said.

"Can't you see I'm busy?" growled a voice. "What, a boy, wanting to
see me?"

"Yes. ?. No, he.looks like a peasant to me?.. He mentioned the
Princess Britney. He has a dragon with him."

"A dragon? Why didn't you say so? Haven't seen one for ages. Didn't
know there were any left around here. All right, send them in."

In a few minutes they were face to face with the evil wizard. He was
very tall and very thin with a snowy white beard, a hooked nose and
piercing eyes. He had on a long robe and a conical hat that made him
seem even taller.

"Ah, you are a dragon," he said, examining Bob. "Big fellow, aren't
you?" He turned his attention to Jack. "And who are you who interrupts
my business at midnight? What's your important errand?"

"I'm Jack and I'm here because the king has issuing a proclamation
saying that anyone who rescues the Princess Britney from the evil
wizard, that's you, gets to wed her and becomes heir to the
kingdom."

"The Princess. You would have to bring her up. Kidnapping her was the
worst move I've ever made. She's driving me crazy."
"She is?"
"From the time she got here. Nothing is good enough for her. She
doesn't like the food. She doesn't like the new clothes I bought for
her, from Camelot no less. She doesn't like the furniture. She
doesn't
like her bed; she claims there's a pea under the mattress. It's even
worse when she's in one of her rare good moods. Then she sings in a
tinny voice and does these strange gyrations. And she insists on
showing her bellybutton. Ugh!"

"So we'll have no problem. I'll be glad to take her off your
hands."

"Not so fast. I can't hand her over just like that. I have my
reputation as an evil wizard to consider."

"Don't forget Bob the dragon over there. Bob, give him a demonstration
of how far your flames go."

"Don't waste his breath. I'm a wizard. Take care or I'll transform him
into a toad just as I've done with all those knights who've come after
the princess before you. Oh, how I wish I'd let one of them take the
princess but little did I know."

"I think we can work something out," said Jack. "Suppose the king
appoints you royal wizard and agrees not to send any more knights after
you?"

"Mmmm. Royal wizard, huh? That has a nice ring to it. And all those
toads hopping around are bothersome."
"You'll have to transform them back into knights, of course."

"All right. Oh, just one more thing. That ring on your finger. How
about throwing that in?"

Jack hesitated, the ring might have magic powers. But when he'd rubbed
it after being confronted by the Lonesome Knight, it had done nothing.
"Okay, he said. "Just to show you my heart's in the right place."

At that point they heard a loud female voice calling. "T.V. where are
you? I can't sleep on this horrible bed. I'm bored. This place is so
drafty. I think I'm catching a cold. Make up some magic potion for me
at once."

"Coming, dear," the wizard called back. Then, addressing Jack, he
said, "We have a deal."

The next morning Jack and Bob were back on the path in the forest.
Following them on a white horse was Princess Britney while further back
another three horses were piled high with bags containing her clothes,
jewelry, cosmetics and other assorted effects. The princess, with her
long blonde hair and milky white skin was truly beautiful but, as the
wizard had told them, she was a non-stop complainer. She complained
about her horse, which was too boney, the path, which was too bumpy,
the weather, which was
too warm. Insects were attacking her, she said. She was hungry. When
were they going to get there? Why was that dragon always looking at
her?

Jack motioned Bob to move up with him, out of earshot of the princess.
"Boy," he said, "I thought the wizard exaggerating but she's
impossible. I don't care how good-looking she is but I couldn't
possibly live with her."

"You'd be heir to the throne," Bob reminded him.

"But I'd be driven out of my mind."

"What can we do. You rescued her so now she's yours."

Jack thought a bit, then he and Bob both exclaimed at the same time,
"The Lonesome Knight!"

"We'll tell her you were just carrying out the knight's quest," said
Bob. "After all, you're a mere a farm boy. She should be delighted to
get a genuine knight with his own castle."

"And a bunch of servants she can boss around."

After another few hours, during which time the princess never stopped
complaining, they reached the Lonesome Knight's bridge. True to his
appointment, the knight was at his post. "Jack! Bob! You've made it
back. You'll come to lunch, won't you?"

The princess came into view on her white horse. The knight's mouth
fell open at her beauty. Jack quickly explained that, although he'd
been the one to obtain the princess's release from the wizard, he
wouldn't even had reached the wizard's castle if it hadn't been for the
knight and besides he was only a peasant and that therefore the knight
was the logical one to win the princess's hand.

"Are you sure?" asked the dumbfounded knight. "I've never seen a woman
so beautiful."

"Absolutely," said Jack. "She's yours. Think of all the feasts, dinner
parties and jousts you can hold with her as your wife."

"I don't know what to say. How can I ever repay you?"

"Let me see. How about not levying any taxes on my village. Oh, and
keep the princess in the capital
and don't under any circumstances visit my village with her."

"Done," said the knight. "You know, I'll have to get another name.
I'll no longer be the Lonesome Knight."

"Don't worry," Jack assured him. "another name will come up."

So, leaving the princess behind, Jack and Bob hurried back home.
Needless to say, Jack's mother was overjoyed to see her son. The
villagers, when they learned they'd no longer be taxed, appointed Jack
mayor for life. Jack in turn appointed Bob as his
second-in-command.

A month later, Jack's family gathered for a big celebration and Jack
had to endure the hugs and kisses of all of his strange aunts and
uncles. But Jack's Aunt Sophie, his favorite aunt, had brought along
one of her neighbor's daughters, a lovely girl named Rose, who Jack
immediately fell for and wanted to marry but in the meantime the evil
wizard had obtained even greater powers with his new ring and. . . but
that's all stuff for the sequel, In Olden Times II, coming soon. Until
then, all readers, live, if not happily ever after, happily for the
moment.

The End