Trench Warfare Rock
By Clinton Morgan
- 813 reads
1916 and the plains were under bombardment. Squiffy was about to declare he didn’t like it when a piece of shrapnel came charging forward and lodged itself in his third eye. He threw himself backwards and with a hefty gluteus maximus broke the tea chest upon which Badger and Teapot had been playing the mock board game that featured in the ‘Smash Hits Year Book 1984’.
“You’re a jolly cad, Squiffy.” Harped Badger.
“Have a heart you fellows. I’m bleeding in absolute agony.” Pleaded Squiffy.
“I’ll help get rid of the pain.” Offered Badger and shot Squiffy in the face.
“Good Lord!” Exclaimed Teapot. “You’ve shot Squiffy in the face. That’s not very sporting.”
“All I’m doing was putting him out of his misery. Besides he was ruling our toilet book for Christmas game. That’s not very sporting either.” Justified Badger. It was at that moment General Nincompoop and his pet goat visited their part of the trenches. Badger and Teapot returned the salute back. “At ease. Blimey, it’s fucking noisy out there. Somebody might go deaf. Now gentlemen, Beatrice and I have been worked on a plan to kill Adolf Hitler.”
“Adolf Hitler, sir?” Said Badger.
“Don’t be such a fucking ignoramus, yes Hitler. Mr. Eva Braun. He’s a very bad person and must be dealt with immediately.” There was a long pause as Badger and Teapot looked at each other in bemusement. “Meh!” Said Beatrice.
“Oh, really Beatrice? Thank you for that. Sorry men it appears I’ve been talking too far ahead of myself. No what I want you to do is to outdo the noise that the Gerries outside are fucking doing.” Said Nincompoop (just in case you thought it was Teapot speaking). After which Nincompoop put on his nuclear powered backpack and shot through the roof of the trench letting all the soil, blood and rain in. Teapot and Badger would have been annoyed if it wasn’t for the infamous egg laying chicken of bloody enormous size laying down its bloody enormous feathers over the hole in the roof. Teapot and Badger began to pace around their bit of Ypres (or was it Flanders?) Either way it doesn’t matter.
“I’ve got it,” Said Teapot
“No, no. I must protest. I know this is unconventional but I really must protest.” Protested Badger.
“It is unconventional. I haven’t told you my idea yet.” Said Teapot.
“Hello Florence.” Said Charles De Gaulle. At that moment a white train made out of a Victoria sponge cake came speeding down the rail that inexplicably was positioned through the trenches by Danny LaRue carrying fifty two Michael Palins aged 25 driven by Michael Palin aged 48 who was laughing like a toothless maniac with a mouth that had a pitch black interior like the inhabitants of Roger Hargreaves’s Misterland. “Reporting for duty Sah!” Said Private Lovely Bosoms.
“Thank goodness you’ve come. We need a drummer to give the Germans an erection.” Said Teapot.
“Now I really must protest!” Protested Badger. “First of all I was going to protest about how the writer for some reason started to refer to you and me as Teapot and Badger when prior to that we were Badger and Teapot. Now this story’s gone off kilter, out of synch, too far ahead of itself with this Private Lovely Bosoms nonsense. Mind you they are lovely. Can you shake them around a bit to give me a stiffy, Scotch being hard to come by.”
“I’m afraid not. I’m made of granite and I’m the plasticine Chew-It monster.” Lamented Sergeant Lovely Bosoms.
“My plan is that we form a rock and roll band and make a louder noise than those German bombs and bullets. Oops sorry I’ve just broken wind…instruments that is. Look at that pile of oboes, cor anglais and saxophones I’ve freshly smashed to bits.” Said Badger, oh sorry, I mean Teapot. It was Teapot who said it.
“I’m glad to hear it.” Sarcasted Badger.
“How dare you say elephants!” Said rhino-headed Teapot. Teapot literally was a teapot and was enlisted because he wore a suit.
“I didn’t say Lord Phillip Captain Beefheart Glass rhinoceros!” Protested Badger, who was a person, unlike you. Meanwhile back in Bermuda Dolly Rogers and Kenny Parton sang a duet about murder and the audience killed our Lord. Whereas in the trenches Badger vomited into the hideous gaping wound that was Squiffy’s face due to sickness brought on by extremis fabilis maximarse. He went home and had some Lucozade with ‘Whizzer and Chips’. One million years later he was feeling better and was driven back to his bit of the trenches by Geoffrey Unsworth, Georges Perinal and Arthur Crabtree. Badger and Teapot decided to call their rock band Penis Breath and start practising some songs. Badger played bass and Teapot played lead guitar. “Hey! I should be assigned lead guitar. I’ve been practising my arpeggios for forty seven years!” Moaned Badger. At that point Teapot played the best guitar solo in the universe that even God manifested himself and said, “Bai Jove! How tattyfalarious! That is the best fair dinkum guitar solo I’ve ever heard in your life.” At that point Lord Kitchener walked in with his moustache on fire and dripping with semolina, “I’ll have you know,” farted Kitchener, “that I have very good taste indeed. I own a box set of ‘The Wire’, ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’. My most influential comedian is Richard Pryor and I prefer ‘Revolver’ to ‘Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band’, ‘Heroes’ is my favourite David Bowie song and I’ve just bought a special edition of ‘Songs In The Key of Life’.” Lord Kitchener then burst out crying collapsing to the floor into a foetal crouch.
God said, “Boo! I don’t like cry-babies. I’m going to make sure you burn in Hell. Non-stop.” Lord Kitchener got up, dried his eyes and kicked God in the balls. They left the trenches together doing the Derrida and Wise dance. “Couldn’t have God prevented this war?” Asked Teapot.
“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.” Expleted Badger, the smell of Squiffy’s wound and his diced carrots flowing through his nostrils which were elephantine. “Never mind,” said Teapot, “we shall defeat the noisy Germans by means of a rockabilly tune.” Penis Breath began playing their rockabilly tune.
Meanwhile on the other side of the trenches the Germans who were all rotten bad eggs because they were German could hear this rockabilly tune played by the band Penis Breath. “Gott in F.W. Murnau!” Exclaimed Sergeant Mary, Mungo and Midge. “Vot is das horriblesher noishen?”
“Ja! Ja!” Replied Private Pigeon Street Their Wings Wings Beat. “Das is the newisher rock und rollen band, Penis Breath. Woodstock from dassen Snoopy cartoonen has formed his einersher tributen band callun, Farty Breath.” Then they had sex.
“Ve must find a vay to defeat those Britisher schwein. Quick! Get the brass instruments und lederhosen!” Urged Captain See Saw.
“Nein!” Declined Sergeant Mary, Mungo and Midge twiddling his thick black moustache that was bigger than John ‘Go With Noakes’ Noakes’s nob and believe me that’s bloody huge. “Ve vill kill them with our guns. Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.” Now wash your hands.
Back in the morally good and right in every bally thing they do British trench Penis Breath weren’t shifting any units. “What we need is a backbeat.” Said Teapot. “Private Lovely Bosoms!” Private Lovely Bosoms came into the trenches with her finite collection of percussion instruments that she stole from Ruth Komanoff, Ed Mann, Arthur Dyer Tripp The Third and Evelyn Glennie. “Reporting for duty Sah!” Said Private Lovely Bosoms.
“Thank goodness you’ve come. We need a drummer to give the Germans an erection.” Said Teapot. Badger had a terribly mixed feeling of ennui and de ja vu. Now the power trio plodded on by playing at the same time ‘Moby Dick’, ‘Cross Town Traffic’ and ‘The White Room’. On the other side all the Germans were killing all the British with their guns because there is something in German DNA that makes them all murderers. I know, I’ve read it in a book. Anyway why do you think there are so many German cannibals? General Nincompoop and Beatrice swam into Teapot and Badger’s or Badger and Teapot’s trench, “Those dastardly Gerries are trying to defeat us by killing with guns. Sing and bash your drums like an anorexic, Private Lovely Bosoms.” The Germans killed all the British and they won the First World War two years later but that became an official secret until now. Meanwhile Buttons was depressed but The Fairy Godmother revealed to him how horny she was and that she only helped Cinderella to get to him. “Phwoar!” Said Buttons and the dish ran away with the cow jumped over the moonfiddle.
© 2009 Clinton Morgan
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