The Test

The Test

A chill had crept into Carol's heart long ago but now it had spread
through her body and into her bones and she was cold. Bitterness had
soured her thinking and curdled her face, which might have been pretty
once. Her husband had certainly thought so when he married her, hadn't
he? These days though, the only warmth between them was the hot
buttered toast she placed on the table every breakfast.

She felt she was justified. Love had fled their house the day she
flushed away the beginnings of their own baby down the toilet along
with all her hopes and dreams. Afterwards, she had shrugged away Dave's
outstretched arms and turned her back to him forever, refusing to
discuss it.

And now this.

"It's only for a while" he had said over breakfast, his mouth full of
toast, crumbs on his tie. "She's my sister. I want her to feel
welcome." His tone suggested he had already made his mind up.

No point arguing, she realised, swallowing her anger with a gulp of
tea.

Later, when their house was no longer their own and his sister was
settling herself up in the spare bedroom, Carol heard him teasing his
little niece with a fondness that made her purse her lips. She would
not look at the child, just couldn't. Didn't he understand how much it
hurt her? She plunged her hands deep into the washing up water and
scrubbed furiously, angrily at a saucepan.

"Are you sure you don't mind Carol?" Fiona's soft drawl crept up behind
her, catching her unawares.

Guiltily, Carol glanced over her shoulder, caught her husband's ever
watchful eye and shook her head, "Of course not, Fiona. We're glad to
have you." Her voice sounded hollow, empty. Inside, she allowed a
torrent of venomous and abusive thoughts to clog her mind. It gave her
one of her headaches.

She watched without expression as Dave scooped the child up into his
arms, her giggles filling the tiny kitchen. No child had ever laughed
here before. Despite herself, she glanced quickly at her husband's
niece - four years old, golden pig-tails, blue eyes, button nose. All
she had ever hoped for in a child of her own. Carol turned away, an
ache in her heart.

"How dare he?" She silently raged later as she undressed for bed. Next
door, she could hear Fiona talking gently to little Lucy, rubbing it
in. How could her husband subject her to this and with her own babies
dead and gone no sooner had they been conceived, taken from her body
and what had she ever done? No child of her own - ever. Adopt, they
said. But why should she? She wanted a child of her own, not someone
else's.

"Would you mind if I leave Lucy with you for an hour or so today Carol,
love?" Fiona had a few things to see to before she went back to
America. Too boring for little Lucy apparently.

"Perhaps Auntie Carol will take you to the park?" Fiona suggested,
kneeling in front of Lucy and kissing her little face goodbye and
smiling up at Carol hopefully.

Of course, Carol knew what this was all about. She was no fool. She had
overheard Fiona and Dave talking last night, discussing her. It made
her want to spit.

"I think she's warmed to Lucy," Fiona had said quietly.

Fiona imagined Dave nodding, his kindly eyes smiling, "This is so good
for her, a sort of therapy. I'm so thankful you came. It's been..." She
heard his voice falter, a little catch in his throat, "Well, it's been
quite a time. She blames herself you see - for the miscarriages.
Anatomy-failure she called it once. Now she wont discuss it. Not a
word."

"It must be hard for her," Fiona had spoken softly, sensibly, "to be
told she can never carry a child - how terrible for her. For both of
you."

Carol had heard Fiona crying, weeping gently after that and her husband
comforting her. The whole episode puzzled her, but she did not mention
it to either of them. No doubt, they had their little secrets and
thought it best that she was not part of them.

When Fiona had left for her mysterious "appointment", and she was left
alone with the child, she felt her heart chill some more. The little
girl stared up at her uncertainly, perhaps sensing the unfamiliar
feelings of dislike she had never encountered before in a
grown-up.

"Shall we go to the park then?" Lucy had suggested shyly.

Inside, Carol's heart was breaking with the injustice of it all. There
was Fiona, the mother of this beautiful little girl, leaving her for
hours on end to attend so called "appointments" and here was she,
longing for a child to spend time with but unable to have one of her
own.

It was a cold day but Carol didn't feel inclined to bother with a coat
for the child and the little girl didn't seem to notice the sharp wind.
She skipped alongside Carol, chattering away, her blonde hair
swaying.

To her immense dismay, Carol realised she was smiling down on the
child, holding her hand, worrying about the cold and lack of coat all
of a sudden.

Afterwards, when they returned home and Carol made the child a sandwich
she realised with a start of surprise how much she had enjoyed the day
out. She felt guilty about not putting a coat on Lucy it troubled her a
lot, especially when a few days later Lucy had a runny nose and chesty
cough.

"Fiona, I think it was my fault," Carol's voice faltered, embarrassed,
ashamed. "I didn't make sure she had her coat on the other day when I
took her to the park."

Fiona laughed, "Carol my love you worry too much" and to Carol's
surprise, she noticed that Fiona looked pleased.

Lucy's cold cleared up after a few days as Fiona had predicted and
Carol found herself spending more and more time with the child -
baking, drawing, painting, going for walks. Their days were filled with
excitement and adventure with both of them enjoying every minute. It
was a good job too, Carol thought to herself occasionally as she tried
to banish all bitter thoughts from her mind, because Fiona seemed a
little depressed, tired and looked dreadfully pale and thin. Some days
she would leave Lucy in Carol's care and just go to bed for hours on
end. Carol thought it best not to mention anything as Fiona's husband
had only been dead two years and Carol knew only too well that
sometimes grief stayed for a very long time and affected people in
different ways.

Although she tried not to dwell on it, Carol worried about the day
Fiona and Lucy would be leaving them, she didn't know how she would
bare it.

"I've grown to love Lucy" she confided to her husband, who didn't
really look all that surprised, "I never expected to&;#8230; never
thought for one moment that it would be possible. I feel like a burden
has been lifted." She turned to him, tears in her eyes, "How will I
manage when Fiona takes her back to America?" She couldn't stand the
thought of reverting to the horrible, self-pitying creature that she
had once been.

Her husband, looking equally emotional, seemed as though he might be
about to say something, but then changed his mind and closed his mouth
again. Instead, he kissed her fondly on the cheek - something he had
not done for such a long while - and Carol found herself flushing with
pleasure.

For a while, things continued as normal. Fiona began talking about
finding Lucy a school locally, getting her settled. Carol found her
spirits lifted by this, but dared not ask what Fiona's plans were in
case nothing was definite and she would be disappointed, devastated by
their departure.

***
To tell a child his or her mother is dying is an unbelievably difficult
task. Even harder, when the parent that is dying is the one to do the
deed. Fiona felt the time had come because time was what she did not
have enough of.

She sat them down, all of them, around the table and told them
carefully, quietly in that dignified way of hers. Of course, her
husband had known, Carol realised with shame as the magnitude of the
information sunk in. Her thoughts turned quickly to Lucy, who seemed
not to fully understand and was crayoning and singing under her breath.
What would happen to her...?

For the first time, with earth-shattering realisation, Carol realised
why Fiona had come to stay and when she looked back to Fiona, she saw
Fiona's eyes searching her own for the answer to the unspoken question.
A question she would not have even contemplated until she was
completely sure of Carol's genuine love for Lucy. Carol saw the
desperation in her eyes and felt ashamed.

She stood and walked around the table to embrace the woman, she would
later nurse until it was all over, and love the daughter she was
leaving behind as if she were her own and Fiona smiled.

Carol had passed the test.