Batteries Not Inserted

Santa pushed open the door of the toy factory. The elves paused in their toy-making and looked up at their leader. He glanced sadly around the assembly.
"Elves. He said. "I've got bad news.
The elves shuffled nervously.
"We're one present short! One little boy or girl is not going to get a present this Christmas! he wailed. "What are we going to do?

Dave pressed the pause and threw the remote across the room "What indeed, the fuck, are we going to do!
"David you're overreacting again, we can find a¦.
"I go away for a little break and when I come back some prat¦ Dave got up from his chair and walked to the door, started to open it and then turned back, his face black with rage. "¦I'm going to find out who¦.. he opened the door and bellowed "Tim, Tom and Susan! In here! Now!
The trio entered and sat down.
"OK, I go away for two weeks and when I go I leave Santa happily preparing for Christmas and when I come back I discover that while I've been away someone's lost a present. One of you lot has lost a present!
"We thought it might make for a cliff-hanger¦over Christmas¦there's a lot of competition in the schedules¦.'Pingues Peruvian Paramour', 'The Disney Bambi Fluffy Extravaganza' on Boxing Day! Tim looked at his two colleagues for support.
"So it was your little brainchild Tim was it? Dave rounded on him. "You're the pillock who thought that Santa might go 'present-lite' to make things more interesting! Eh?
"Er. No! Susan interjecting. "Actually it was Santa!
"Santa!.... SANTA! Dave looked around wild eyed. "The dwarf we pay to play Santa in this crappy little kids programme?
She nodded.
"Get out you morons. GET OUT.Don't think I've finished with you either! He glared at them. "get fucking Santa on the phone Janet. What's the little dickheads name anyway?
"It's Leroy Jenkins¦..look David, it's really not such a big deal, and Leroy has got some good ideas.
"Oh Leroys got good ideas has he? Since when has Leroy been required to do anything but read the fucking script? Get him on the phone
"Leroy here. The voice come over the speakerphone.
"Leroy Jenkins ? Santa impersonator? David glowered over the console.
"Yes speaking, Who's that?
"Not Leroy Jenkins the little known script writer and ideas man? The Leroy fucking Jenkins who thinks that while the boss is away taking some hard earned rest in exotic locations he can take over the show? Eh! Eh!
"Oh. I see. You're David Farrow. Hi. We met once when you came down to the filming¦oh about three years ago. How you doin'
"Don't smarm with me Santa, I've just seen the rushes for the Christmas show. With your nasty little inclusion!
"Well not my inclusion really, I was just trying to make the best of what had happened. Just a second, I've got to turn the stove off. There was a shuffling sound and then "OK, I'm back.
"Not for long sunshine! I'm going through the phone book right now looking for your goddam replacement!
"Replacement? You can't replace me, I'm Santa!
"Polish your bell fatty, there's thousands
"No, you don't understand, I really am Santa. The Santa Claus! And we, my elves and I, we make presents for children at Christmas, only my son when he gets old enough can take my place.
David stared at the speaker, started to speak, then stopped, he looked at Janet puzzled, back at the speaker then back at Janet. This guy had gone native. He really thought he was Santa.
"Look Leroy¦
"It's not my real name, by the way, it's one I adopted to get the job¦..
"Look Leroy or whatever your name is¦..
"Santa. That's my real name¦..
"Look Santa, first you're fired, second get help! he cut off the phone and turned to his secretary. "Has anyone else noticed he's potty or is it just me?
"Actually David, he is telling the truth. Janet put down her diary and walked round the desk to him. She put her hand gently in his shoulder. "He really is Santa. Leroy is the name he uses amongst us.
"Us!? He looked at her hand on his shoulder then back at her. "You mean those who I would have a second ago called sane? What are you fucking talking about Janet?
"Calm down David, you know what the doctor said about getting over-excited. Just listen to what I'm going to tell you, we kept it from you because of the illness¦¦...you know? Janet sat down on the desk beside him.
"At first we didn't know his real identity, but one day we went down the studios after dark, me and Tim.
David raised his eyebrows.
"Yeh¦.. well anyway!... We found Leroy and his 'elves' busy making toys, hundreds of them.We asked what was going on and he came out with it straight away. The real deal! He really is Santa, the latest of a long line of Santas going back into antiquity. He has to produce a present at Christmas for every child. That's his job.
Dave stared at her for a second. "I'm calling security!
"He's got evidence, tons of it, of his lineage and history. Just listen to his story before you go ballistic, please David?
He started to protest, looked at the floor for a moment, shook his head and looked back at her. You're mad¦¦. get him on the phone.

"Hi, Leroy here.
"OK Leroy, you mad fuck, you've deluded my secretary into thinking you're Santa and it now seems that I am obliged¦ he looked sideways at Janet "¦obliged to be reasonable. Notwithstanding my reasonable diagnosis that you're sectionable for everyone's safety. Got it!?
"Of course David, I know it's hard to take in all in one go, but I can explain it all.
"Explain!
"Well it all goes back to the Old Testament, when Moses brought the commandments down from Sinai. Do you know the story?
"Yes!...and?
"Moses is supposed to have smashed the tablets in rage at the idol worship of the Israelites. Actually the Commandments were Gods list of instructions to humanity before he went on holiday for the next twenty thousand years, a short break really in view of the length of eternity¦¦. and he had been working quite hard!
David stared at his phone. Had he really being employing a lunatic for so long without realising it?
"God knew about all the things humanity should do if it was to survive while he was away and he gave the instructions to Moses on stone tablets¦..twenty five in all. About a hundredweight and a half in total. Quite a lot for an old man to carry down the mountain. Well about half way down he starts wondering if all these Commandments are absolutely necessary, so he starts to read through them. Some of them were self explanatory like 'Thou shalt not kill, and 'Covet not thy neighbours wifes ass' but other ones meant nothing to Moses. That's because they referred to a time in the future when they would become relevant. Commandments like 'Vote not for a man called Blair' and 'Buy not in Microsoft' were gobbledygook to Moses, so he chucked away the ones he didn't understand and kept the ten he did. Hello, you still there?
David swallowed, he took a box from his pocket, took out a pill and put it in his mouth, Janet passed him a glass of water and smiled encouragingly.
"Go on.
"The discarded tablets were recovered by a local Arab tribe and saved in a secret vault in the city that is now Cairo. Scholars set about examining them, without success, until a certain scribe in 50 AD was able to spot the relevance of tablet eleven 'Thou shalt not fuck with Jesus' and also the obscure tablet twenty four 'Every child shall have a present at Christmas'.
This is where my lineage starts. A band of dedicated followers set out to find a place where they could follow this Commandment. Eventually they ended up in Lapland where they began their work making and delivering toys to children at Christmas. I am descended directly from the first Santa Clause. I swear all this is true David.
Dave took another pill from his box and swallowed it without water. He turned to Janet. "What's happening?
"It's all right David, remember what Doctor Harris said, you must take plenty of rest, we'll sort out things here if you need to take a bit of time. Janet stroked his face gently.
David looked down at his shoes. He'd gone mad. He was hallucinating. Doctor Harris said that sometimes the pills cause side-effects.
"Why¦.are you here? He spoke to the phone "¦and not in Lapland?
"My father was forced to leave when the Russians took over. We, my family and our helpers, have been refugees ever since. Our residence at the studio has been a God-send for which I have to thank you enormously.
It all made horrible drug-induced sense. He felt dizzy. He put his hand to his head and encountered sweat. His mouth felt dry. "Look Janet I need to lie down¦.er¦ go home¦. Look I've got to go. He lurched for the door and staggered off down the hall.
Janet waited a few seconds then followed him to the door, opened it a fraction and peered into the fluorescent-glare of the hall. He had indeed gone, she smiled.
Back in the office she keyed her monitor to the CCTV and located him entering the basement garage, and then from another angle running like a nerve-gassed film extra to his car.
"OK! she called into the outer office. "He's gone.

In the garage Dave leans against his car and gulps air. Is this what a panic attack is like? Am I mad? Are they mad? Maybe it's true, 'Santa And The Twenty Five Commandments'. His brain for a moment stops computing panic and despair, and visualises the title sequence of the film, the dust-jacket-hype, the millions that would buy, the millions that would be earned. This lucid moment frightens him. Tipping over into real madness starts with such thoughts he madly reasons, and goes back to feeling out of control, a state he is beginning to recognise as normal. He goes to his pocket for his keys. Where are they? He desperately needs to get out of this place. They must be in the office¦on his desk., he turns back and into the stairwell, mounts the stairs wearily and opens the door to the hall.
He stops suddenly upon hearing laughter from the office. Janets' cackle fronts a heavy-metal chorus of male guffaws. He tiptoes down the hall and listens at the door.

"Where in Gods name did all that come from Lee, you madman?
"Free association. Chuckles Leroy. "Anyway it got rid of Farrow for a while at short notice. He won't be doing any more surprise visits will he Janet?
"Oh I don't think so, we can probably finish the job before he's let out again.

Suddenly Dave doesn't feel so insane. Now he's angry. The bastards were pulling some sort of scam on him. He tiptoes away down the hall then as quickly as he can into the lobby of the building.
Stan, the security detail and his two assistants, Mick and Joe, are drinking coffee in the rest room. "Come quickly, there's a situation in my office, bring guns! he calls through the doorway and sprints back up the stairs.

In the office Janet, Lee, Tim, Tom and Susan are bent over the desk studying a chart.
Dave bursts in, followed a few seconds later by security, guns drawn.
"Lee! Got here from the studio in record time I see! sneers Dave. "Or maybe you were in the back room all along, ready to serve me a tall story and 'get rid' of me for good?!
Lee glanced at Janet, paused, realised that they were nicked and shrugged. "It might have worked, how did you find out?
"Came back for my keys, luckily! Dave sat in his chair and looked down at the chart on the desk. "Now what have we here? Looks like a ordering and distribution protocol to me. Perhaps one of you would like to fill me in? He leaned back and put his hands behind his head. "Perhaps you Tim, you're a blurter!
"Don't bother Tim said Lee. "I'll explain. Maybe we can sort something out to all our advantage.
"What? Cut him in? protested Tom.
"No choice Tom. Can we loose the security David? Janet this time.
Dave looked around at them. He had the whip hand anyway. Stan, give me your gun for a moment and go and wait in the lobby.
The guards went out and Dave put the gun on the chart. "OK Lee, spill some facts!

"Mid if I sit down? Lee pulled up a chair.
"Stay away from the gun! Dave suddenly felt very calm¦¦. probably the tablets.
" In fact, everyone sit down, he continued, "let's have a meeting.
They sat gloomily and Lee started his explanation.
"We saw, what seemed to us, a marketing opportunity. Around Christmas.
"Just a second, who's we?
"Me and the boys¦.er, the elves
"'The Elves'!?
"We're all script writers; computer programmers. We do any old work because there's precious few jobs in programming. Doing the 'Santa Show' gave us plenty of time to mess around with our little projects.
"Ah! Little projects! I wonder what they could be? Dave was starting to enjoy this.
"Well we came on the idea that what children would like for Christmas, which they've never been offered, was Baby Jesus.
Lee leaned back and paused.
"Especially when the missing present on the Santa Christmas Special' turned out to be 'Baby Jesus', available world-wide at all 'Toy Binge' outlets and franchised stores for only $99.99.
Dave stared at Lee for a moment, then gradually he smiled.
"Baby Jesus!......... "
"Brilliant!..............
" How?
"Well we costed a minimal movement version 'newborn babies don't move much- just arms, legs and head a bit. The best quote came from this company here.
He pointed to the chart. "The 'Yamabotics Corporation of Japan'. The units made in China by this company here. He pointed again. "And distributed by this company, also Chinese, here.
Dave followed the familiar lines on the flowchart, It was well researched.
"We programmed a chip which would control movement and bodily function and another quite big 'Multi Enterprising Self Simulating Intuitive Archival Homogram',
M.E.S.S.I.A.H for short, and into it we loaded everything that was available about Jesus: his life, his DNA - we got a bone fragment from Damascus-, his loves, his devils and his deeds! Everything. Lee paused. "Can I get a drink?
Dave waved him towards the water cooler.
"Just one question Lee, I can see how you made sure of your free advertising, but how were you going to raise the capital?
Lee returned with drink and sat down. "Not 'going to', David! You've paid for it!
Dave sat up in his chair.
"We raised the money on a share issue through 'Santa Inc.' while you were¦ahem¦.convalescing. Lee leaned forward. "Don't worry David, we'll cut you in for a big percentage, and¦after all¦it can't fail. Can it?
"What, you mean you've already set this in motion?
"The product is in the stores right now ready for tonights' airing!
"Jesus! Dave now needed a drink. He walked unsteadily to the cooler and returned with a beaker. "The product¦¦..does it¦.er..work?
"Doesn't need to, once it's sold, it's sold, we retire to somewhere nice, you do whatever you want, and by next Christmas all the kids be onto the next must-have toy and everybody will have forgotten about Baby Jesus¦.Not that we're a bunch of cynical bread-heads, we put our best stuff into that doll, but we had to use you David and that meant we would have to cut and run¦¦..different now, I guess!
Dave pushed his hair back. This was all happening too fast. "The doll¦..can I see it?
"Yeh! we got the first sample today, we were going to try it out when you appeared. "Tom. Get Baby Jesus in here.
Tom went out and returned with a plastic carry-case. He opened it and pulled out a normal sized baby doll wrapped in swaddling clothes. He pulled these off and opened a panel on the side. "Just got to put the batteries in.
"You put the batteries in an opening in Jesus side? Dave recoiled. "Isn't that a bit¦¦..er..tasteless?
"Only place available. David said Lee.
"OK Ready! said Tom
He put Baby Jesus down on the table and pressed a switch at the back of the head. There was a curious change in the light in the room and gradually a glowing halo formed around Baby Jesus head.
"Neat! exclaimed Dave. "How you do that?
"Er¦..don't know¦! Lee frowning, stood up and peered down at Baby Jesus.
"And the way the battery aperture seems to disappear, that's a very nice touch! We've gor a winner here! Dave was impressed.
"I didn't know about the battery aperture trick, Lee, you kept that a secret! Janet leaned over Baby Jesus and put her hand on it's side. "Wow, warm too!..Hey Lee, the battery slot is gone completely. How do we change the batteries?
" Don't know!
They all looked at Lee. He glanced back nervously. "I never programmed a halo. And I certainly didn't ask for body temperature and auto repair features¦¦..I can't even remember being offered them!
Suddenly there was a loud knocking at the door.
"Yes! shouted Dave. The unmistakeable voice of Stan from security echoed from the hall. Nobody could understand what he said, so Dave went to the door.
"Stan, if you could just give us a moment we're¦¦.Stan¦..what are you wearing.!
Stan, Mick and Joe stood in the hall dressed in bright satin robes and colourful turbans, gold dripped from their wrists.
Dave then saw that they were carrying very expensive looking caskets and bottles. "Stan!......... just a second.
He shut the door took a deep breath, and strode back to the desk.
"Stan and his pals are in the hall dressed as arabs! Anybody have any idea, apart from the most ridiculous, as to why?
Janet, eyes as wide as a weightwatchers draws, motioned with her head to the outer office."What's that smell¦.and that noise?
"Sheep! replied Tim, suddenly hoarse. He peered 'round the door and shut it again quickly. "And shepherds!.
"Quick switch off Baby Jesus! Dave ran for the desk.
"It's gone! The switch has gone the same way as the battery slot!
"That's right. Nobody switches off Baby Jesus! Said Stan calmly from he hall door. He put down his Myrrh and pulled out his gun. "Now everybody get down on you knees and start adoring!
Dave got to his knees, next to Lee in front of the Baby Jesus.
"How many of these things are there out there.?
"One for every child on the planet!