Once upon a time

a loud noise jerks me awake
and i realize the hand i am
holding is cold and clammy
well she's gone again i thought
this time for good.-my mother-

looking at her face almost as
smooth as mine,makes me wonder
just how hard a life she had.
everyone always made excuses for her,why she ran off and left me
why she was a drug addict.

she came back when she was too
sick to go any where else.no
reasons why she left or where
she was all that time.i really
wanted to hate her,i tried to
hate her.

i wonder if she knew that i
cried for her at nite.my pillow
soaked,my eyes swolen.
i was a very small child and
always sickly.i would dream that
she came back with beautiful
presents for me and would scoop
me up and hug me until i lost
my breath.and we would gigle
like we used to.

when i awoke from one of these
dreams i would try my best to
go back to sleep and finish
that dream.fifteen years she was
gone.tears coming now, i hate to
cry what good does it do.i wonder if she ever cried for me.

i need to get up from this chair
and call the nurse.and granny
she will be broken hearted after
all she loved her child.ever day
i would watch her face as she
went through the mail hopeing
for some word of her.-nothing
then the excuses would start,she
had a million excuses for her.
but none of them satisfied me.

aids thats what they said she
had.dirty needles i think.skin
and bones but her face was still
beautiful.so young such a waste.
why didn't you love me? why did
you leave me?answer me please
give me a reason that i can believe.
this is just too hard oh lord,i
have to get out of here.

it's time i let go of the past
i do know that.i promise myself
that nothing will ever make me
leave my child behind.i will
hold on to her with both hands.
she will never sob and scream
into her pillow until she looses
her voice.

i forgive you mother,i wish that you
could have come back a little
sooner and we could have talked about your leaving me i needed
answers.i needed you to hug me
until i couldn't breath,and give
me the real reason for your going.
and to say that your sorry
that you wern't here when i needed you the most.
i really needed those words mother.i really did.