Homework
By jabs
- 392 reads
"It's no goin, is it?" whispered Billy. "Ye're no gettin it."
"Shut yer hole," A hissed. There's nuthin worse than huvin some
fannypad nippin at yer heid while ye're tryin to day delicate work,
even if it is only pickin a fairly simple lock like a springlock. It
wis jist unlucky that there hadnay bin any space between the door an
the doorjamb, else A coulda pit the auld phone card A hud in the space
an slipped the chib like that. A'd only bin at the lock fur a few
seconds, an awready Billy wis near stampin his feet wi impatience, an
tryin tay wind me up, though he kent fine that it wis only goin to take
me a couple seconds mair tay get it. Onyway, A kept ma cool. An it wis
a good thing tay, cos whit wi the racket Billy wis makin, it wis
surprisin we hadnay been clocked awready. Another couple twists wi the
wire, an we wur in.
We switched oan the wee pocket torches that we hud wi us, an A opened
the left-hand door that we kent wid open oantay the livin room. A
couple casts aroond wi ma torch, an ma hert sank. It wis jist aboot
whit A'd expected. Heavy patterned wallpaper oan the walls, a deep-pile
cairpet, a couple leather armchairs an a sofa, a mono record player,
fur Christ's sake, beside a pile ay LPs, an a really ancient-lookin TV.
An books, books in bookcases on aw four walls, hunners an hunners ay
books. But nay cabinets wi compartments wi gold or silver ornaments in
thum, nay desks wi drawers wi watches or rare coins in thum. Nuthin wee
an valuable an portable.
Billy wis ower lookin through the LPs, an smanin, nearly laughin oot
loud. A went ower tay where he wis. Aw the records wur auld yins,
recordins ay symphonies an quartets an aw classical stuff like that.
"What a load ay shite," said Billy. "Aye," A said. "A load ay shite,
right enough."
It hud bin Billy's idea tay day ower Stimson's place. Stimson wis oor
English teacher at school, an he wis a right snooty cunt. Lately he'd
bin really tryin tay pit the needle intae Billy fur no speakin standard
English in class. Jist that very day he'd bin oantay him. "No,
Ferguson," he'd said, "you do not say 'no'. The word is 'not'. N-o-t.
So, you do not say "I've no got a clue", you say "I've not got a clue".
Which, in your case, is something that is always to be expected." But
Billy hud kept his cool, cos he'd awready formed his plan.
When he'd telt me about it at first, A thought he wis jokin. When A saw
that he wisnay, A tried tay talk him oot ay it. "Dayin ower Stimson's
place," A'd said, " that's far too close tay hame. What day ye think,
when the polis start lookin fur whoever's done it? Day ye no think
they'll be lookin at some ay them he teaches? Day ye no think they'll
be lookin at you an me?" "Fine," he'd said, "if ye're no wantin tay day
it, A'll day it masel." An that really spooked me. If he tried tay day
it himsel, he'd be sure tay fuck it up. Billy was the hard man at
school, right enough, but eftir dayin a couple ay joabs wi him A'd fund
oot whit a shitein cunt he really wis, an A kent that if the polis ever
goat a hud ay him he'd crack fur sure, an that'd be me up fur a sesh in
court. A kent A'd huv tay go along wi him, jist tay keep an eye oan him
an make sure he didnay day somethin tay get caught. That's the problem
when ye hook up wi somebody like Billy, somebody ye think can keep the
heid an day the joab an who ye later find out is jist another bam.
Ye've goat tay keep keepin yer eye oan thum.
We awready kent that Stimson wis an auld bachelor, an lived oan his
ain. We'd thought that Friday wid mibbe be the time tay day it, because
awbody looks forward tay the weekend, an even auld bachelors must go
oot oan a Friday night sometimes. So there we wur, on a Friday night in
March, hidin behind the trees an bushes across the road fray this row
ay hooses, an watchin the middle hoose, Stimson's hoose, fur signs ay
activity. An, right enough, about nine ay clock we saw his livin room
light go oot, an then we saw him step oot ontay his front path, pull
the door shut behind him, get in his wee hatchback an drive aff towards
the centre ay toon. We waited a wee bit longer, jist tay make sure he
was right gone, that he wisnay mibbe gonnay be back fur somethin he'd
furgoat an then suddenly minded aboot, an then we made oor move. We
broke in, broke in tay a hoose full ay rubbish.
It wis rubbish in the rest ay the downstairs rooms, the kitchen an the
dinette, jist a loat a worthless junk, so we padded oor way upstairs an
intay Stimson's bedroom. A single bed, wi a floral bedspread; a chest
ay drawers; a bedside table wi a lamp an a digital clock oan it; an a
built-in wardrobe, that wis Stimson's bedroom. Billy made straight fur
the bedside table, an started rummagin through the drawers, while A
checked oot the chest ay drawers. Jist a loat ay pullovers an, aye,
cardies an aw, an in the top drawer this wee wooden box thit hud some
junk jewellery in it, a signet ring an a pair a cheap gold cufflinks wi
some design like the crest ay a golf club or somethin oan thum. A pit
the cufflinks in ma pocket, no cos A thought they wur worth onythin,
but jist so's A could come away wi somethin at least. Next it wis the
built-in wardrobe, an again it wis whit ye wid expect, a loat ay tweed
jaickets wi leather patches at the elbows, pairs ay twill troosers, an
that smell, the smell A wis startin tay get aff ma Maw an Da, the
stale, depressin guff ay middle-agedness. A shut the wardrobe door, an
turned towards Billy.
He wis haudin an auld wallet he'd fund in the bedside table. In the
wallet wis aboot three hunner in used tenners, the first piece a luck
we'd hud since we'd come in the hoose. "Silly auld cunt," said Billy.
"He deserves to get done ower." Noo that Billy hud fund the money, it
seemed tay satisfy him, an it wis him said that mibbe noo we should
leave. A wis aw fur this, so we made oor way back doon tay the livin
room. But Billy wis wantin tay smash up some things before we left, he
wis wantin tay pish oan the armchairs, shite oan the cairpet, but A
said, "Let's go. We've bin here long enough, an we dinnay ken when that
cunt's gonnay be back. Time tay make a move." A managed tay persuade
him, fur once. We wur aboot tay go intay the hallway an towards the
front door, when A saw car headlights shinin oan the closed curtains ay
the livin room winday, an heard a car pullin up in Stimson's drive.
Billy picked up this statuette from the coffee table in the middle ay
the room, but before A hud time tay argue wi him, A heard the key goin
in the lock. Quickly we pit oorsels behind where the livin room door
wid be when it opened, an switched aff oor pocket torches. The door
opened; the livin room light came on; Stimson walked in; Billy was
raisin the statuette, when another person walked intay the room. Billy
lowered the statuette, an held it behind his back.
Stimson turned an saw us. We saw his eyes go wide, first in fear, then
in anger as he recognised us. "You boys," he said. "What are you boys
doing here!" He must huv seen that we wur grinnin, cos now there wis
startin tay be a wee bit bafflement mixed in wi his anger. "A couple of
thieves, eh?" he continued. "A couple of housebreakers. Well, we'll see
what the police have to say about this." He walked over tay the phone
on a wee table next to one ay the armchairs, picked up the receiver an
was startin to dial when Billy nodded at the wumman, an said:
"Hiya."
She grinned. "Hiya."
Stimson stopped diallin; he looked fray us tay the wumman, fray the
wumman tay us; an then aw the anger went fray his face. He pit doon the
receiver. He kent that we kent.
The wumman wis Saggy Betty. Betty wis a hoor who lived in a street no
far fray the street where Billy an me lived. When A say Betty wis a big
wumman, A mean big in aw departments. She wis cawed Saggy Betty cos she
never wore a bra; must've thought she wis liberated or somethin. Aw the
wivies in the neighbourhood, includin ma Maw, talked aboot whit a
scandal she wis, an that somethin should be done aboot her; but course
naebody wid day nuthin aboot her, cos Betty kent some hard men, A mean
really hard men. The wivies' husbands seemed to be mair relaxed aboot
Betty. A remember hearin ma Maw an Da once talkin aboot her, an ma Da
sayin "Live an let live. She disnay bother us, why should we bother
her?" Ye cannay imagine the row ma Da goat fur that, an then ma Maw
widnay speak tay him fur weeks eftir. Mibbe she thought ma Da hud hud a
go at her. Mibbe he hud. Billy'd said he'd went wi her, an A hadnay
kent if he'd bin tellin the truth or no, but now A dooted it, cos when
A looked at their faces, A saw recognition right enough, but no that
kind ay recognition, if ye ken whit A mean. Jist the usual bampot Billy
bluster, then. As fur me, A wid never huv hud a pop at her. It widay
bin like throwin a sausage up a close.
Billy looked at Stimson. "It's awright, Mr. Stimson," he said. "We'll
keep yer dirty wee secret."
Stimson's heid wis lowered. He didnay say nuthin. He wis
defeated.
Billy said, "Mr Stimson's oor English teacher at school. Did ye ken
that, Betty?"
Betty looked at Stimson. "Naw," she said. "He telt me his name wis
James Stewart...an that he wis a salesman."
A broke in. "A'm sure," A said, "we dinnay need tay bother the polis wi
this. A think we can work it oot between oorsels. Right, Mr.
Stimson?"
Stimson looked up, an there wis a glimmer ay hope in the daft auld
cunt's eyes.
"Specially," said Billy, " as ye wid huv hud some trouble explainin
Betty here tay Central Scotland's finest. Werenay thinkin straight
there, wur ye, Mr Stimson?"
A said, "A mean, eftir aw, there hisnay bin any real damage done, hus
there? An we huvnay really tain onythin, A mean fuck knows there wis
nuthin worth anythin tay take."
Billy brought the statuette oot fray behind his back, an carefully
replaced it in the centre ay the coffee table. Stimson looked puzzled.
"What..." he began. He looked at Billy, Betty, an me; the three a us
wur aboot ready tay burst oot laughin. Then he caught oan. "Oh," he
said.
"Naw, we huvnay really tain nuthin," Billy said, "apart fray this." He
brought oot the wallet, an opened it, showin the tenners inside. A
swear A near decked Billy right then. A looked at Betty, who wis starin
at the notes wi greedy interest.
"Ye be wantin some ay this, then, Betty?" A said. She looked at me fur
a second or two, but then she jist laughed an shook her heid.
"Naw," she said. "Ye're awright. Youse boays huv worked fur it, an A'll
get payed whither yer man here an me day the business or no, an if he
hasnay goat the cash oan him or any mair in the hoose, he'll drive doon
wi me tay a Cashpoint an get some...is that no right,
Mr...Stimson?"
Stimson nodded.
"Well then," said Billy, "we'll jist call this a wee present. From you
to us. Okay?"
Stimson nodded again.
"Right. We'll be off, then." An Billy actually went up an patted
Stimson on the airm. "We'll see you in school next week, Mr Stimson,"
he said. "And don't you worry your head, we'll no be telling anybody
about any of this. See ye, Betty."
"Aye, see youse, boays."
A hadnay telt Stimson aboot the cufflinks. Let the bastard miss thum
the next time he hud a golf club dinner tay go tay.
We goat oot ay the hoose, an headed back ower the road to the trees.
Eftir we'd laughed oorsels near hoarse, we divvied up the cash an
headed back hame. Oan the way back, Billy wis talkin aboot how that
widnay be the last, it wid be far fray the last, we'd be able tay get
money fray Stimson noo whenever we wanted. But A hud started thinkin ay
somethin else, so A didnay say nuthin. When we goat tay oor road, Billy
went off tay his hoose, an A started walkin towards mine, but eftir a
minute, eftir A'd made sure Billy wis oot ay the way, A turned back an
started aff doon towards the canal.
A wis thinkin that, if Stimson hudnay come in wi Saggy Betty, it
coulday bin right ugly. Billy wid huv hit Stimson wi that statuette,
seriously injured him, mibbe even killed him. An then the polis wid huv
bin right oan the case, much mair than fur a simple housebreakin.
Specially wi Stimson bein a teacher, a respected member ay the
community an that. It hud bin far too risky. Thing wis, the fence fur
the two joabs Billy an me hud done before hud bin Billy's uncle Joe, an
A didnay ken anybody else who could fence nicked stuff. Billy's faimly
wis close, an A could tell that, especially wi the middlin bits an
pieces we'd brought him, Billy's uncle Joe thought we wur jist a couple
ay wee chancers, an that he wis buyin the stuff as a favour tay his
nephew Billy. A didnay ken whit his attitude wid be when A turned up
oan his doorstep by masel. But A'd goat the distinct impression that,
however much faimly meant tay uncle Joe, profit meant mair, an that
when he goat a look at aw the quality stuff A kent A wid huv wi me,
he'd be mair than willin tay buy it, an wid mibbe start thinkin that A
wisnay such a wee chancer eftir aw. Cos there wis this place A'd bin
lookin at, a newish hoose in a quiet wee cul de sac in one ay the best
parts a toon. A'd done ma homework oan it. A kent that it wis a young
couple that wis in it, an that they wur well aff; the proof wis the
hoose itsel, an the four-wheel drive an the beemer A'd seen sittin in
the drive. A kent that, bein a young couple withoot kids, they went oot
a loat, an stayed oot fur hours.
A kent that there wis gonnay be a loat a good stuff in there tay take.
It wis gonnay be a skoosh. Nay risk. A wis definitely gonnay day this
place.
An A wis gonnay day it withoot Billy. The cunt wis turnin intay a
liability.
When A goat tay the canal, A took the cufflinks that A'd tain fray
Stimson's an looked at thum. Cheap rubbish, right enough. A drew back
ma airm an chucked thum intay the canal.
Aw A had tay figure oot noo wis whit A wis gonnay day aboot Billy.
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