Day 1 - Monday

Dear DD,

Assuming this mornings breakfast at home would be my last solid meal until Saturday, I made sure to fill up on all things toxic before setting sail with mother for the funny far.... Detox Retreat. I should not have worried though, as two miles before we reached our destination we passed a McDonalds, so it seemed almost rude not to stop for a second, last meal.

Arrived at the camp to find a beautiful big farmhouse with one mad dog, two fat cats and lots of smiling, softly spoken staff, namely Judy. Judy is the Deardrie of the Detoxer world, the top of her non toxic game. She has a manner similar to that of the rolling lady in We Can Be Heroes, and winces when you mention the words coffee and booze. She dresses straight from the Autograph collection at M and S, and wears sensible shoes. Judy gave us our first juice of the day (carrot, apple and cinnamon) before doing our orientation tour.

On the tour she demonstrated some top notch detox enhancing equipment, which was a mixture of the usual suspects (treadmill, sauna, juicer) and the not so usual, such as the Inversion Board. The Inversion Board aids circulation, which Judy kindly demonstrated by strapping her self up against it in a harness like handcuff contraption, before pushing a button that rotates the board a full 180 degrees backwards, leaving you hanging upside down. Amusing in its self, but more amusing when Judy's bead necklace came un-tucked from her blouse and almost chocked her, mid demonstration.

Another favourite from the tour was the leg mover: a machine you use by lying down on the floor and placing your feet in two stirrup type devices so they are half a foot higher than your head. A press of a button and the stirrups swing from left to right, in quick succession, making your legs swing in time with them. Judy was happily demonstrating whilst explaining the detox benefits (again, mostly circulation) before upping the stirrups to maximum speed to show us the full effect. Maximum speed is fast, mind, too fast for Judy, who was being shaken from left to right at such speed and with such vigour that she struggled to press the right button to slow herself down again. It was like watching Carol from the Brittas Empire trying to use a cross trainer – amusing to say the least.

We then did a bit of bonding within the group of 10 of us. A likely mix of detox hungry people (stressed out mother of six, health freak young married couple who teach maths, a mother and daughter from Solihul who won two places in a competition, plus, interestingly, a very wealthy 39 year old widowed step granny called Gail, who used to live in New York until very recently moving to Pimlico. Upon hearing that I live just over the river from her, she was quick to find a private moment to ask me if I knew much about the clubbing scene in South London, particularly "those clubs where you can go and take those happy little things that make you smile and dance all night". I literally nearly dropped my carrot juice, but soon re composed myself and told her all about Fire. She virtually tried to book a taxi to take us there next week, but I'm working her out a bit more before I invite her on a post detox night just yet!

Dinner came next which was a surprisingly delicious broth. God knows what was in it but it was good and filled a gap. There was the optional extra of adding mung beans, sea weed, dried chillies and snow pea shoots. Why not. I also found that chewing on dried seaweed makes for a pleasant alternative to pudding, and is as close to a solid I'm getting this week.

The evening finished with a slightly unexpected twist. We got taken into the Movie Room and all sat down to find Judy pressing play on the DVD player and snuggling herself in with her ginger tea. The film, weirdly, was Deception (Ewan McGreggor, Hugh Jackman). Now, I had never seen Deception before, in fact I don't think anyone there had, but for those of you who have you will appreciate my amazement and embarrassment at finding out that it was an action thriller film about an undercover sex club. I counted over 20 sex scenes, mixed with some brutal violence, all of which Judy lapped up. Mum and all the other middle agers, on the other hand, were a little bit taken aback!

Went to bed feeling mildly hungry, a bit tired, and very reflective of the little amusements of Camp Detox so far. Tomorrow starts at 7 for a lemon and hot water breakfast, followed by a work out in the gym and a colonic.

14 juices and four broths to go…

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