Azariah

Azariah

The dream occurred while I slept in bed with my "at the time boyfriend" Josh, with whom I fell terribly in love with. I believed that he was my soul mate. Later I concluded that he was my soul mate, but only for a time. I still think of the strong connection we had and miss him at times, but have no regrets about our relationship falling apart. If I did, that would mean I do not accept my place in this universe now. I love my life, a hard one it has been, but a beautiful one none the less. I have all I could ever need, including a most beautiful husband, Andrew. I have been graced by the love of God and seem to always have what I need.

Though I am content with all I have, there are parts of my life where a passion grows everyday. It is my dream life. A life that is filled with an abundance of fear, uncertainty, curiosity and complexity. One dream in particular has filled me with questions, needing answers and answers, needing questions. It has filled me with such intense love and hope, as well as fear and anxiety. I think about it when I am in despair. I embrace it when I am in need of comfort, and get frustrated with it, because it sometimes fills me with a fear of what it may mean. I usually understand my dreams. Usually, if they seem overly negative, I find a reason for it and it usually ends up as a sign for the future. They tell me not to worry so much. not to be afraid. to embrace life and enjoy the small things, be them easy or difficult, happy or sad. It's all about life. This dream helps me so much in my waking life but unfortunately it also fills me fear and uncertainty.

After vigorously shaking my legs for an hour or so, I drifted off to sleep and began to dream. In my dream I was laying down naked on a hospital bed covered in white sheets and a white fluffy pillow. On each side of me were similar beds (one on each side). In each bed lay a young woman, who looked similar to me. For some strange reason, I remember that we were in the back of the Shoppers Drug Mart building in Osborne Village. Why, I do not know, for I can think of no reason that that spot was chosen, for it seems to have absolutely no relavence to the rest of the dream, except to say that it was, in fact, where Josh and I spent a lot of our time.

There was a young beautiful woman standing on my right side. Though she seemed a little blurry to me, I remember that she was wearing a green dress and had long, curly, red hair and very pale skin. I was very disoriented in the dream and was slowly looking around trying to figure out where I was. It felt as if I was just waking up from being under an anesthetic (I have experienced this in "real" life). I then began to focus on the woman standing beside me. I remember thinking about how beautiful she was and wished I could look like her. I have always believed that redheads were mysterious and beautiful. The woman just looked back at me with a tender smile. Her face seemed to have a calming effect on me and I remember feeling a sense of peace and security, a feeling that was quite foreign to me at the time. As we continued to look at one another, she began to open her mouth. in a softspoken voice she informed me that the dream was almost over and that when I awakened I would have a name for myself. I did not know what she meant. I already had a name, Paula. The female form of Paul, meaning "little" in Latin and "God loves you, you have been "chosen." Also, the female form of Paul, which is a biblical name, that was changed from Saul to Paul. As a new Christian, I have found that Saul (later Paul) reminded me of myself in many ways. There are many similarities with him in the Bible and myself. How he lived earlier in life, to how he began to live later in life. I am not yet well-versed in the Bible, but I know enough to realize the similarities between Paul and me.

After the redhaired woman spoke, everything started to get really blurry and the next thing I knew I was awake, back in bed, lying with Josh. I yelled out "Azariah, Azariah!!" I was a little disoriented and started asking Josh for a pen. I quickly got off the bed and started scrabbling for a pen and piece of paper. When I had found one, I wrote down three names, one after another (Azaria, Asaria and Azariah). I then circled the last name I wrote down, Azariah. I left the piece of paper on the dresser and went back to bed. I whispered to myself, Azariah, and then slowly began to fall asleep.

Later that morning I was very excitable and confused. The woman in the dream told me I would awaken with a name for myself, and I did. The dream had really filled me with excitement and boundless energy. I went and got the name on the paper, and carried it around for awhile, as I had my usual morning cigarette. Josh and my roommate, Mathew, noticed I was a little hyper and asked me why I was behaving the way I was. I told them about the dream and showed them my writing. I was so excited, though they did not share the feeling. They did not really see what the big thing was at the time. Guess they were still half asleep themselves.

A couple of days later, Josh decided to teach me the art of chalking. It was a process by where you would get a blank piece of paper and cover it all in black chalk. Then you would get an eraser and erase images that would flow through you. Usually the image would create itself as you erased the chalk from the paper. I was really excited about creating a picture of my own. We got completely undressed (it is very messy process and will stain) and cracked open a bottle of wine and began our "work." I was really enjoying the freedom of it all and found my hand erasing images that I could not make up at the time. By the time we were both done we were filled with chalk, our arms and hands were a little tired and we were a little bit "drunk" from the wine. We left our "art" and went to wash up. Later we sat down for a smoke and did not go and see our creations until a few hours later. When I went back to see what I created, I was completely taken. My chalking had turned out beautifully for a first timer. It was a picture of a demonic-like face of a man in the top right hand corner and on the opposite side, three figures that resembled woman as opposed to a man or an animal. There was something very eerie about the image and I tried to figure out what it could mean, but was not successful. It was amazing and beautiful to me, though I was not able to "label" it, I felt a real closeness to the image and the process it took to obtain it. I fell in love with chalking and began creating more images. All of them beautiful and eerie. All of them more interesting then the next. I always displayed my art work on my walls. Unfortunately, many years had passed and they were eventually stolen, lost or thrown away. I was very bitter about that. My art was an expression of myself and people really liked it. I don't have any images left aside from tiny ones that are on the walls of pictures I took. Amazingly enough, the first one I did, which I later called "Azariah One," was used by my friends' band as a cover for their album. I gave one of the albums to a sweet and dear friend of mine. He still has it, along with a lock of my hair (I am sort of a romantic). One day I will ask for it back so I can enlarge it and frame it to hang in my home, wherever that may be.

Days eventually passed by and I began asking friends and acquaintances if they had ever heard the word or name Azariah before. No one could reply. I asked over twenty people and still not one had an answer for me. Months passed by. Then years, and slowly, the excitement of the dream and name started to fade. I had developed a strong bond with my name "Azariah" and the dream, but after asking people for so long if they had ever heard of such a name and their response was always the same (no), I slowly became less excited about it, though I always felt kind of unique and special, like God did have a plan for me.

Finally after about two and a half years, my search was over. I was living in a bachelor pad on a downtown street in Calgary with a friend of mine who had nowhere to live at the time. He said he had little money and had no where else to go, (I am very naive at times) I let him stay with me. He ended up staying for a year, and much has happened since then. I can say now, looking back at things, he is no longer a friend of mine. Fortunately, though, he was very educated and had a passion for books. Not just any books, but books about life. He was always reading something about religion, sex, philosophy, poetry, romance, dreams etc. He even read books about people who wrote books about everything under the sun. I figured that if any one has heard of the name "Azariah" it would be him. If it wasn't then my quest would be over and I would have to be satisfied with the information I had so far. One night after coming home drunk from the bar, I asked him if he had ever heard of "Azariah" before. He was a little puzzled. He had mentioned that he was unable to thing of anything specific but that he did hear of the name before and would get back to me when he remembered something. When he said this I was completely amazed. Finally somebody knew something. I could not wait to find out what he knew. A few days passed and I asked him if he had remembered anything. He did. I asked him to please, please, tell me.

He told me that he remembered the word from the Bible. Azariah was the name of the eldest child of three, who in the book of Daniel, were forced to bow down to (believe in) a "god" that was set before them. These three children (later their names were changed) believed in the true God Almighty and would not believe in the one that was brought to them. The story was that if there was anyone who refused to bow down to this created "god" they would be thrown in a furnace to burn and die. Even then, the three children remained faithful and were thrown into the furnace. All were amazed because in the furnace they did not scream or cry and beg for help. Instead they danced around merrily. While they did this there was an image behind them that was said to be Jesus. The story continues and much was changed after this experience and vision. I am not versed enough in the Bible to detail specifics, except to say the god that was created for the people at the time was not in fact the real God. My friend John's story had me mesmerized and filled me with hope and happiness. Though in telling the story he mentioned things that were not in fact totally correct, the basis for the story was true. I then remembered my first chalk art and believe that the image I created was actually a follow up to my dream but I was unaware of it at the time. I decided to call the image "Azariah One" (for another image follows). The male figure was the god that was set up for them and the three female figures, the children (including Azariah) that were set in the furnace. I was so exited that my friend had told me the story. Many times I have tried to read the book of Daniel but have difficulties. Soon I will read it and be able to understand the story better.

The story describes me well when I was younger. I was very analytical and refused to believe in anything that I could not see, or touch. I have been labeled a non-conformist many times. I had a lot of passion and refused to believe in something somebody told me if I have not experienced it for myself. I comprehend many things about human behavior and often (still do) give the little guys the benefit of the doubt. I will converse with people and question everything. I would wear clothes and jewelry and do my hair how I wanted, not how someone told me to. I even shaved my head several times. People thought I was crazy in regards to many things I did. People would say, "Why did you shave your head? Are you worried what people will think? Will your boss mind?" Silly questions. I did it because I felt like it. That was my theme, "Because I felt like it." I never hurt anyone with what I did or said. I was out on a mission to find myself and to understand others. For the longest time I had a connection with God (but called him spirit before) and shared this love every where I went. I wanted to help myself and the world at the same time and no one was going to stop me. I was a strong female and would not let that be unrecognized just because of what I looked like. I would talk to challenge people, but mostly to challenged myself. I was abused and neglected when I was younger but refused to believe I would carry the hurt forever. I refused to believe the stories people made up about the effects of what I experienced and how really there was no hope. People always thought I was out of my mind to have relationships with those who hurt me the most. They were unforgivable in their eyes. monsters from a place called hell, who did not deserve to live. People who deserved to rot in jail their entire lives or be put through insanely cruel acts because of their "crimes." I still have those sparks in me that fly when there is an issue I strongly agree in. Now a days people are amazed when I speak of how wonderful my husband andrew is: "My husband is not like that." Sometimes it's more personal: "You sleep separately? Are you having problems? You don't fight? Every body fights. It's healthy. Oh, it's not healthy to not have sex for that long. Couples are supposed to fight. Welcome to the old ball and chain." It doesn't have to be like that, not at all. People seem to have settled for less then they are worth. Not me. If I don't like something I try to find out a solution. Sometimes it is hard but not as hard as it seems to be for others. I refuse to "bow down" to a "god" that was set up for me. Why have so many people settled for second best? Take what you can get, there won't be any leftovers you know. "It could be worse" is often what people say. Yes, it is true, it could be worse, but it doesn't have to be. You can change it. You can improve things. You can learn to love and respect yourself. That is what I was like and to a degree an still like. Like Azariah. Faithful to myself and God as much as I can be. Ready to risk all I have for something I believe in. ready to say "no" to death and "yes" to life.

The search for Azariah (I circled the one that is spelt in the Bible) is not over. It has just begun. I cling to "her" all the time. I stare at my "Azariah Two" every time I go to sleep. It hangs on my wall directly opposite of where I rest my head. Long time ago I secretly changed my name to Paula Azariah Wysocki (P.A.W. for short) and engrave/draw it on objects sometimes. I believe the dream was foresight of my life to come. It was telling me that no matter what I do, to never quit. To always believe. To stick with your convictions, for it is there I will find a way to help others and make the world an even more beautiful place. Just continue to be who I am and let all your experiences and memories guide you. Overall the Azariah dream has had positive benefits, though sometimes I react to it differently. I feel as if it is like a two-way mirror. One beautiful and bright, the other dark and uncertain. Sometimes when I look at my "Azariah Two" I feel as if the drawing is a warning that a dark angel lingers inside of my tender heart. An angel that has fallen to earth to send a message of despair and darkness. It depends how I am feeling that day, but I would most certainly prefer the joyous one. Then again, I love to learn about myself and the world, and thinking of the picture in a darker way can enable me to understand problems and learn to solve them. Everything is an opportunity to learn. That is what life is all about. Loving. Laughing. Crying. Learning. Failing. Succeeding. It will never change. Thank God (literally) for giving me dreams to guide me in my life. Most importantly thank you for Azariah. She is always with me, despite the circumstances, she will never leave.