The Greatest Gift

My nephew's sixth birthday party was scheduled on a Saturday, at the local bowling alley. It was the typical Daniel party, complete with lots of friends, relatives and children, not to mention other people having a get together like Daniel's at the same time. It was accompanied by cake(s), pizza, pop, cameras (too many if you ask me), and the ever so popular, loot bags (colorful bags, filled with small toys and sweet treats, given to each child at the end of the party as a token of thanks for celebrating Daniel's special day with him). Sometimes, I wish I could give a sort of loot bag to everyone who has been with me on a rough day and/or even joyous days, but that would be a lot of bags!!! Maybe a hug and/or thank you would suffice. Like many big birthday parties it was hot, loud, busy, crowded and very, very, noisy.

We took of our coats and shoes off (mine and my dear and sweet boyfriend's) and made our way towards the "group." We decided it would be a good idea to say hello to the people we at least knew. We tried desperately not appear too overwhelmed by the amount of people that arrived to celebrate Daniel's special day. The billions of presents on the back table only increased the overwhelming feeling. Daniel is very "spoiled" or really loved (probably a bit of both) by the family. actually, we were not entirely positive about this, until we had witnessed him opening all the gifts later. It seemed as though he had received more toys then the amount of a large day care center would have (I am a certified early childhood educator, and I have direct knowledge of such things).

As we stood there, I had turned towards the entrance, curious to see who else might show up, though it seemed the entire city was already there. I was completely shocked and disoriented to witness my grandmother and aunt (on my mother's side) making their way through the entrance of the building. It was not at all who I thought I would see. The very last people I ever thought I would see. The last time I saw either of them was almost eighteen years ago (I am thirty-two now). They had decided, eighteen years ago, not to be apart of my life. When I was around twelve years of age I reported my uncle for sexually abusing me during my preschool and school age years. Apparently, my grandmother and auntie came to the conclusion that I was completely lying and only created the "stories" to gain attention. At least that is what my dad had told me. I never really knew for sure what the exact reason for severing ties with me and my immediate family was, but it obviously had something to do with the situation at the time. After a few years, maybe less, my mom and sister began seeing them regularly again without my knowledge, but the time I first realized this, is a so-called "God moment" in itself.

Though I was in complete shock, and was, to say the least, feeling extremely uncomfortable, I said "hi" as they both approached me. I gave each of them a warm-filled hug and told them how wonderful it was to see them. The strange thing was that I actually honestly meant it. Something had taken over all my anger and bitterness towards them and replaced it with complete kindness and compassion. Afterwards, I introduced them to Andrew. My grandmother began to engage in a conversation with him about his country (Croatia) and what he thinks about living in Calgary. My grandmother and my auntie (Hope) talked a little with me as well. Though my face was totally red and very hot with a mix of different emotions, I managed to have a short conversation with them. My grandmother made a comment about my weight. I told her I was sick in the hospital, but she said she was sorry, she did not know that.

Apparently, she knew nothing about me. I am sure that was not true. How could my mom or sister not say anything to them about me all this time. I felt a strange uneasy feeling when I learned that she had no idea about me or my life. It hurt a bit. I will never know if it's true or not. I certainly was not going to ask, that was done before with other questions that were important to me, and my mother's response was usually similar all the time: "I don't know. All I know is that I did the best I could." This is true. That is all anyone can do. Their best. I could try and ask my mom about it now, maybe she'll have an answer that is more appealing to me, but for now, I have enough questions needing answers, or at least I still believe, I need the answers. I am pretty sure that will change over time. It's like this. A dandelion is sitting in the field. Each little seed slowly begins to get blown off. The longer the dandelion stands, the longer the wind blows, the more seeds get blown away. Fast or slow, it is inevitable. Kind of like problems, worries and concerns. The longer you wait to do something about most of them, the less important they may seem. Eventually, we end up just letting go and forgetting the problems. In fact, after awhile, you may come to realize that things weren't as bad as they may have seemed. It's true. Just think about a worry you have and try not to do anything about it for awhile. The time will come where the problem takes care of itself. Maybe not when you expect it to, but it will. I strongly believe this. Unfortunately, I am human and humans would not be humans if they didn't worry. Maybe that's not entirely true. We may just be healthier people if we didn't worry about so much all the time.

This situation with my aunt and grandmother was very strange, to say the least. Their failure to be in my life really hurt me and often paved the way for other painful memories. I expected to be mortified and angry. Bitter and unforgiving. Amazingly enough, due to my astonishment, all the negative emotions I expected to feel did not even exist. If they did they were replaced with happiness and joy. Although I have always been a very understanding and compassionate person. In fact, I won't allow myself to be angry for long periods of time, because it hurts too much and leaves an unpleasant hole in my heart. The feelings make me very anxious and anxiety is not a pleasant feeling for me, or for anyone else I am sure. I certainly did not believe any positive feelings would result in this situation. In fact, I have played a similar event in my mind, and believe me, I was not nice. I may not have been physically and verbally abusive, but I was definitely not nice. Not even close to nice. I could not grasp how easy it was to just open my arms and accept them into my heart.

That is when I knew God was with me, again. Right in the bowling alley. Smiling at the amazing connection that occurred. He knows me. He doesn't doubt my ability to forgive and use the grace he has given me. He doesn't think anything "bad" about anything I do. He only sees the good in my heart. He knows it well. So he should. He planted it there. Just like a mustard seed. All this time, he has been watching it grow. Watching me grow with it. He has never left me. He just stepped back a bit to let me experience things a little more. He never tests us either. He only provides us with situations to help us grow into better people. God never bangs at the door in my mind or heart, he simply knocks. If I do not respond right away, he leaves to knock on other doors, and returns when some time has passed. He is always aware of what I need even if I don't think I need anything and believe that I am just fine. He does not give up on anyone. Not the drunken or drugged up people on the streets. He does not abandon the adulterer or the thief. He never abandons the killer or the terrorists. He is here to help all the sinners in the world. He knows we all sin. He wants to help us change that. He wants us to realize our sins and mistakes and wishes for us to ask him for forgiveness when we realize our wrong doings. He will always forgive us as long as we admit to him we were in the wrong or could have done things different. He does not wish for us to give up or quit. God wants us to keep trying with all he has given us so that we can become more like him and Jesus. You. Me. Your friends. Your family. Acquaintances. Strangers. He is here to save you. He is here to save us from a life of waste and sin. After everything in my life up until now, good or bad, he has never left me. He always knew I would be fine. I always knew it too. I just could not admit it, just in case it backfired, and I was left again feeling like someone failed me, again. God is not just any one. He is the foundation by which to live your life with love and purpose. The connection with my grandmother and auntie drew me closer once again, to God. He reinforced his love for me. He always does and always will.

That day I left the party and said my goodbyes, I had a small grin on my face. I realized once again that God does know everything and really, truly loves me unconditionally. He is with me all the time. no matter where I am, or what I am doing. He is kind, loving, giving and forgiving. He is serious and playful. Strict at times, yet humorous. He is everything everyone deserves to have in their lives. He is the perfect father and each day my love and understanding of him grows, leaving the empty holes in my heart, filled with joy and happiness.

I was so happy to see and talk to my auntie Hope and my grandmother. I was so happy that God believed I had enough experiences in life to handle the situation in a positive way. It left me feeling extremely confident and hopeful that my life was and is going to change for the better. My scars are slowly dissapearing. The pain is slowly fading. My heart is feeling lighter. I have a lot to heal from and work on, but I believe that the worst has happened, this situation only confirms this. As I sat on my couch later that day, I was so comfortable and at ease. I even thought that maybe, sometime in the future, I could give my grandmother a call, or even just go visit her, she only lives fifteen minutes away. I mentioned this to my mom, and she warned me that my grandmother likes to talk your head off, so if I ever decide I want to go visit, to make certain I have an excuse to go. According to my mom, you will start getting tired of her talking. I am grateful for the advice, but I think that when the time comes where I do decide to visit, I won't have to lie. It's not God's way and I am slowly learning, it should not be mine either. We'll see. Maybe I am not ready for that next step. When I feel I am, I know I will feel just as happy as that day, at Daniel's birthday party. He received many gifts, but I got one that is priceless.