INTRO TO POSSIBLE BOOK

in the past, i have desperately tried to ignore god's presence in my heart. i hesitated to believe in him out of a fear that he would fail me. everyone, always seemed to fail me. my friends. my family. my peers. everyone in my life, at one time or another, in some way seemed to fail me. i grew tired of being disappointed and made the decision not to believe in anything or anyone, most importantly god. i was pretty convinced he would also fail me. occasionally, i had a really hard time ignoring his love for me and had a difficult time dealing with the simple fact, that i was essentially lying to myself. i did believe in god. a lot. i have always believed in him. throughout my life, i can remember times where i was completely aware of him. i spoke to him almost all the time. in all honesty (though i hesitated to admit it to others in the past), i have had a very close relationship with him since i was very young. it was that closeness, that helped me to survive the darkness that seemed to constantly surround me.

since as far as i can remember, i have always been physically, emotionally, sexually abused and neglected. i suffered from post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorder, bi polar disorder and suicidality. unfortunately no one knew this until i was older. though i had no diagnosis (that i am aware of) when i was younger, i still suffered a lot. i constantly hurt myself, though i hid it very well. i cut and burned parts of my body regularly. i hit myself in the face with my fists, coffee cups and other hard objects, because i desperately wanted someone to see my pain. i genuinely hated myself and my life and felt that i must have done something wrong to have been hurt so much. i had a love/hate relationship with myself and others, for a very long time. sometimes, i believed i deserved nothing but pain. at the same time, i could not understand the hurt i endured by others, and felt i did not deserve such abuse. i coped with this confusion and deep pain in many different ways. i tried killing myself by laying in the middle of the free way and drowning myself in the nearby river. i took pain killers, drank my parents booze, and then watered it down, so they would not notice. i hurt animals when no one was around. i did sexual things to them that i would much rather forget. though i found out later that i did these things as a result of the abuse, at the time i was very confused and curious as to what was happening to me and my body. i could not comprehend why everyone in my life hurt me so much. as a result, i continued to suffer as i got older. i began to abuse my body even more, by engaging in unhealthy sexual relationships, cutting my body deeper then before and much more frequently. i abused alcohol, pills, and a variety of different drugs, every day. i spent a lot of time in different hospitals participating in a wide variety of different programs that tried to help me "get better". i was also committed to the psych ward several times, because i became a danger to myself and others. i suffered from psychotic episodes, which involved actions such as, banging my head into walls, biting myself and hitting my body with a variety of hard objects. i became very hysterical and dangerous to those around me. as time progressed, the closeness i felt i had with god when i was younger, began to disappear. my pain and sickness only escalated. once again, i had convinced myself that god was not real. i tried to block the thought of him in my head and concluded that he never existed. the conversations i had with him must have been due to all the pain i endured everyday. i believed i made him up in my mind as a way to survive. i did believe in something, but was convinced that it could not be god.

there was absolutely no possibility in my head or heart
that he was real anymore. if he was real, why did i have to endure so much pain and suffering? i had spent so much time praying to him and asking him for help.

i was constantly asking him to save me. i crossed my fingers on both hands in hopes that he would notice me faster. i started to wear crosses around my neck and in my pierced ears. i remember crossing my eyes before bed time, pleading for him to take me away. since i was a child, my personal relationship with god changed all the time. i didn't believe. i believed. i didn't believe. i believed. the same was true for my life and family. i loved life and it's possibilities. i hated life and saw no possibilities. i wanted to die. i didn't want to die. i loved, accepted and forgave my family. i hated and despised my family. my life was a huge storm filled with pain, uncertainty and confusion.

when i was in my twenties i left a couple times. i went to the states (north dakota, minnesota) to get away, so i could take my life. luckily, i could never go through with it. something always changed my mind. it seemed that every time i planned to die, hope and faith entered my heart and mind. i felt regenerated and excited. i was someone who mattered. i had so much to look forward to. i had so much to offer. i was blessed with so many different gifts. eventually, i gathered my strength and realized that the best way to help myself and to rid myself of all the pain in my life, was to take it all, and turn it into something good. i tried my hardest to be something. to succeed. my decision about my life was to continue growing and work on becoming the best i could be. a loving, patient and compassionate person, who could help others who have had similar experiences. when i returned home after leaving those few times, i made great efforts to go to therapy and to get a job and to change my circumstance for the better. unfortunately these feelings quickly changed and i found myself back in the "hell" i was in before i had left. i just couldn't keep it together.

one evening i heard a voice. it told me that the only way i would survive, was to leave for good. not to take my life, but to begin a new one, somewhere else. a place which excluded all those that have hurt me in the past. i had so much pain to shed and so much love to give. living in calgary was not good enough for me. i decided to go to vancouver. i have always wanted to be closer to the water and this time i could find no reason why it wasn't possible. looking back i realize that i have had a lot of wonderful and miraculous experiences. things that filled my heart with a sense of wonderment and love. compassion and hope. when i left for what i believed was the last time, i felt like god was with me the entire time, only this time, he would stay. it was true. he was with me and he never left. unfortunately, for me, that was not good enough. i returned to my usual "cycle" and began using drugs again. it seemed i abused myself more then ever before. i began stealing from people to survive and eventually became heavily addicted to crystal meth. i had a few friends9 travelers from around the globe), but they all left. i kept in contact with one or two i had met at the "crazy place" (triage in vancouver), but they were not healthy relationships. i met a few people that i spent time with, but after awhile we just lost contact. i was always depressed, suicidal or completely stoned or drunk. the only real friend i seemed to have was a guy named andrew (soon to be my husband) that i met at a club i went to alone on mushrooms. we used crystal meth together, all the time and i eventually ended up living with him. we loved each other so much, but it was not enough to stop abusing the drugs. so many wonderful things happened when i was with him. i have so many beautiful memories of people i met and things i did. i will never forget the strong sense of love and compassion i felt. i felt liberated and free. blessed and fortunate. elated and excited. i began to trust in god again. i felt so very close to him at times and close to the world around me. it was without a doubt the most awesome feeling i have ever felt in my life, at least that i could remember. eventually, though, these feelings started to fade as usual. things only got worse. i started going down hill after about six months. i could not find a job or rather i was too depressed to want one. i was probably in the worst shape i have ever been in in my life. many things happened in vancouver that still haunt me today. scary and unsettling things. i was using every day and reached a point where i did not know the difference between fiction and reality. i never ate or went any where. i spent most of my time alone or with andrew and his drugged up friends. eventually i was so addicted, i didn't know whether i was coming or going. andrew and i were so sick that i believe we were literally dying. at least i was. once again, i ended up in the hospital. i began living the same way i lived when i was in calgary, but i was determined to stay. things had to change for the better i thought. unfortunatley, i ended up being very sick. i was so sick that i was almost dead.

my father and sister came and found me. how they found me and what exactly happened was a big blur. we took a plane from vancouver and i returned home to calgary. i was still very ill, but my dear friend dorothy and some of my family were very supportive. they actually wanted to help me. i thought that my family did not care, but i was wrong. they were not really understanding at first but as i got better, my relationship with them improved. my father, my aunt and dorothy really loved me and were so happy i was still alive. they were glad i returned home. some family members don't have contact with me at all anymore. i am not certain why, but it doesn't matter. what matters is that i was getting better. with little direct help from anyone, except god of course, i got clean and stayed off the drugs. i still drank, cut and bashed my head. i was still depressed and suicidal at times, but this time, it felt as if i was really healing. i was determined to change my life. all the pain i went through had to happen for some reason. as i slowly healed, all i could think about was getting better and being reunited with andrew. he was in a program for addicts at the union gospel mission in vancouver and i had to wait four months for him to come back to me. i think i rekindled my love for god as i got better. union gospel mission gave me a bible before i left and i was determined to learn more about god's love for me. it was helping andrew, it probably would help me. as time passed, i began letting god into my life more frequently. in-fact, if it had not been for his unconditional love for me, i do not believe i would be here now, living the life i was meant to live. at least i feel i am more "on track" then i have ever been throughout my life.

each day i became increasingly aware of his love. i started experiencing more positive things in my life, as well as in the lives of those around me. slowly, it seemed as if i were being gently guided towards god. when andrew came to live in calgary with me, my love for god only strengthened. i started feeling like i was becoming closer to happiness, love, and acceptance of my life here on earth. i began to have purpose and eventually, the "god moments" (as pastor bruce at calvary temple calls them) began to happen more often. maybe they happened, or were happening, all the time, throughout my entire life. i will never be entirely sure. it seems accurate to state that, god's direct presence in my life, corresponded with my regular "visits" to calvary temple for morning mass, bible study courses and other activities provided by the church, not to mention the increase of time i spent reading (old testament and new) the bible (which i still have yet to finish). it was the least i could do, seeing that it was originally through the union gospel mission that both andrew and i were "healed". basically, i began to worship god more then i ever did and for longer periods of time too. that is how i knew i was getting better. i was capable of staying in the same mind state more then a month or two. it seemed like i was enjoying life and coping in more positive ways, instead of just surviving and fearing almost everything in my life.

during this past year, i have had many different examples of god's direct presence in my life. these situations are proof that i was/am much more healthier and positive then i can ever remember. they also confirm that god also has a sense of humor and doesn't mind a little laugh once in a while. i do not believe he laughs at us to poke fun and demean us. the reason behind his enjoyment is very similar to a parent smiling at their child when they fall off their new bicycle, but get back on, despite the fall. god regards all of us as his children. his laugh is a laugh of pride. a smile that says, " i completely approve with your decision and i love you unconditionally". sometimes, he just smiles because he is happy that you got through a rough patch, but didn't quit because he know he has provided everyone with a measure of faith, as well as wisdom. he has provided us with free will and is so happy that we have not forgotten these gifts. he wants us to use them the way he intended. he is proud and loves us. i am often over joy ed by god's grace and unconditional love. i want to share my life with others so that more people can understand god's love for each and everyone of us.

i would love to give every small detail as to the experiences i have had since my arrival back home and in my life in general. in fact, i believe it would be fair to state, that i remember everything so well, i could write a book about me and my life. i have always wanted to. i still might. until then, god has shared with me the things that are more important. my life is important, but what is more important, is how i use my experiences to improve my life and the lives of those around me. that's why i am typing this. so far i have described my life, but only enough, maybe too much at times, to give you, the reader an idea if the pain i suffered so that you may learn about god's love for yourself.

the following stories are "god moments" which i have experienced within the last two years of my life. there is no real order to the stories. there is not one more important than the other. there are short ones. funny one's. silly ones. serious ones. they are all special in their own way. my only hope is that they help you to understand god's grace and unconditional love for you. at least enough to point you in a more positive direction. i want to share these stories so that maybe you would also know and experience god's love the way i have. he loves us so much that he gave his only begotten son to teach us about what life is about. our purpose. our reason for being. they are all important. i want to fill your heart with hope and promise. with faith and determination, and most of all, love. that is what god is. he is love. everything that surrounds you and everything within you is, all an example of god's love. love for his children. love for the earth. love for life. love for everything.

the first story is the first experience i had that gave me the idea to write about god's love. it filled me with so many wondrous thoughts and melted my heart. it reinforced my belief in god and strengthened me. i realized i was one hundred percent positive that god was with me. in the past. in the present, and will also be there for me in the future. for all eternity, actually. i hope you enjoy the stories and pray you will learn more about the ways in which the good lord touches our hearts and our lives.