THE LATE BUS

i work at a wonderful place. i love my job and all that it entails, except for one thing. i rely on the transit system and because of this, i often loose time. my shift requires me to work until 5:30 p.m. it is a great shift and i enjoy having the opportunity to speak a little more personally with the parents at the day care center that i work at. it also gives me time to tidy up and prepare for the next day. the problem with my shift though, is if i do not leave right at 5:30, i have to wait half an hour, until the next bus arrives to take me home . actually, it does not take me directly home, it takes me downtown, where i then transfer onto another bus, that does take me home. i am not usually able to catch that bus, so i end up waiting for another one. this poses a problem. when i catch the “second” bus, i often have to wait another twenty minutes or so for the bus i transfer onto.i am used to it, and have reached a point where it does not really bother me all that much. what does bother me, is when the buses come early or late. it confuses everything.

one day, in the winter, when buses are usually more late then usual, or early, in this particular case. i decided to catch the second bus. unfortunately, as i was walking to the bus stop, the bus i was waiting for, cruised away. it wasn't really a problem. i just decided to walk until the next bus came. it came. except i was in between bus stops and ended up missing it. i became very frustrated and wondered if i would ever get home. i decided again to walk only to the next bus stop and that was it. it usually would not bother me, but unfortunately it was winter, and winter in my city is very cold and very windy. i had already managed to be outside waiting for a bus for around an hour or so, and was getting very cold. my instincts took over and i decided the best thing to do, was to continue walking until i caught a bus to take me down town, where i could find a warm place to wait for my connecting bus.as i walked, i became increasingly uncomfortable, cold and frustrated.

each day i wait for a bus, i sing to occupy myself. i sing loud and i sing strong. i also have open conversations with god. i talk to him about the day and ask him for help with everything i do and am concerned about. as i continued to walk in the freezing and bitter cold of winter, i asked him to, “please, please, send a bus for me”, and to, “please, please, help me to catch it”. i had already been waiting an unusually long time and became tired and bitter with the situation. i told god that, “i realized this was happening for a reason, but that i did not have the faintest clue why”. though i was totally bitter, i reassured him that i was not angry with him personally”, and told him that, “even though i had no clue why this was happening, that i knew he had a plan or a lesson for me to learn”. i was confident i would be alright. i tried to remain positive and avoid turning my bitterness into out right anger, which would in turn, cause me to become very rude and impatient with others, whom ever they may be.

i finally stopped walking, and decided i was warm enough to just stand at one of the bus stops for awhile. it is very difficult walking when you are wearing triple of everything. you sweat a whole lot and it gets rather uncomfortable . while i stood there, i became increasingly cold and uncomfortable. i was angry and frustrated and began singing songs about my mood that included many vulgarities. it was the only thing that seemed to help calm me down. i said sorry to god about a dozen times for my inability to stay calm and for my use of “bad” language. after this, i just started to cry. little tear drops started falling down my cheek. it felt as if they would freeze before they hit the ground.

as the tears rolled down my cheek, i saw a bus. i quickly wiped my eyes and smiled. i took a deep breath to calm myself down and then the bus stopped. i got on and made a comment about the weather.
i usually say something to the bus driver. usually i say something kind, but sometimes i am rude. when i say kind things, i usually begin to feel better. i was so glad to be on that bus. it gave me a chance to “de-thaw” or warm up. my breathing became normal and my i was calm and relaxed. i thought about the fact that i did not know how long i would have to wait in the freezing cold for my connecting bus, but thought the best thing to do, was to enjoy the moment.

as i sat on the bus, i wondered what it was that god was trying to teach me? i wondered what the lesson was that was so important for me to learn, that i had to freeze my butt off to learn it? i came to several conclusions. one of the lessons i learned was, that despite the freezing cold temperatures, the possibility of dying from waiting at the bus stop was highly unlikely. i also realized, again, that i was very fortunate to be living where i live. so i freeze a little.( a lot that day). my biggest problem was that i was “cold” and i missed the bus. i would arrive at home early enough to eat and then go back to sleep to get some shut eye for the next day. there are no possibilities of an earth quake or tsunami here. i do not have to worry about not eating for days on end, or where i will get clothes to wear. i do not have to worry about getting shot in the head for talking and sharing the word of the lord. i don't have to worry about having to murder my own child, because it was born female. i could go on and on about the things i do not have to worry about,because i am pretty sure i made my point.
another lesson i learned from this bus stop situation was that,
as humans, we are very capable of adjusting to changes in the environment, especially where i live. it is amazing the things we can get through, because of the fact that we are human. i also learned that god will never give us more then we can handle. my husband learned this when he was living in a drug and alcohol recovery place. it is so true. the good lord knows what we are capable of, even if we ourselves are unaware. he knows where our strengths and weaknesses lie. he knows everything and also knows how to use situations to help us to learn and be more compassionate individuals. he never intends for us to suffer in any way, shape, or form, us humans are pretty good at that on our own!!! god merely wants to love us unconditionally and help us become loving and giving people.

he wants us to see that, little things, like missing your bus, have great opportunities for learning, if you are willing to learn and look at yourself honestly. everyone holds the potential for learning and growing to become a more positive individual. everything, from the sound of the trees blowing in the wind, to watching a worm slithering on the side walk after a big rain. there are lessons to be learned all the time, till the end of time. they are every where you go. in everything you feel and see. your words and actions, perceptions, values and beliefs. everything in you has a potential to learn and grow and change. you just have to be open to it, and trust that god has a plan for you.

i had a lot of time to think that day. even after i got home. i was still thinking about the entire experience. from my feelings of comfort to my feelings of bitterness and frustration. i remember the faith and trust, i felt towards god, knowing there was a reason i missed the bus in the first place. i learned so much that day. i managed to take a small situation and use it to learn some things about god , myself and the world. god had ignited a flame in me that would not go out. i was amazed at the number of different things i started analyzing and thinking about.

all these lessons i learned that day, were not the cherries on the cake. they were not by any means, the biggest lesson i had learned that day. there was something even bigger then the points i had mentioned already. there was an experience that happened, while waiting for my connecting bus, that happened, and that o would never forget. what i had mentioned before happens a lot. it depend s on how tired i am and how open i am to learning that day . i experience it a lot and even more so since i became a christian. this process is not new to me. the experience i had later was.

as i waited for the connecting bus, an older gentle man was walking off the bus with a huge blanket filled with a large item. i got the impression that it was a very heavy item , because the man was walking very slowly down the stairs of the bus carrying the item in one hand and trying to balance himself by holding the bus rail with the other hand. he seemed very tired from carrying it, but not upset. i wanted to help him, but the item(which turned out to be a large television) was far to heavy for me to assist him. i felt very bad even though he said it was o.k. he then put the television down and took in a deep breath. he looked around and then asked me and another lady standing near me, if we knew where a certain address was. it turned out, that the place he wanted to go to, was only about a block away from where we all were. i wanted to help carry the television, but i was too weak. i wished Andrey (my superfantabulous husband)was with me, because he is a very strong man and could help him.Andrey was not around. i wanted to call the man a taxi cab because he was not going far, but i did not have any money. i wanted to tell him not to worry, but he did not seem worried. i was more worried, that i could not do a thing for him.
though the television he carried or tried to carry, was incredibly large and seemingly very heavy, the man who carried it seemed so calm and nonchalant about the whole thing. he did not complain or seem overly distressed in any way. he simply had to take this television to a place less then two blocks away and that was that.
the man began to walk in the direction of the address we had told him was located. he walked slowly and slumped over, almost dragging the parcel beside him. after about five minutes he disappeared from sight.

the lady that stood next to me was shaking her head and shrugging her shoulders. she exclaimed that she too wished there was something she could do, but was not able to. she said that she hoped he was o.k and that god would take care of him. i agreed with her. i explained that i felt helpless and bad that i could not do anything for him. i told her if i were with my husband that he would help the man carry the television. he was not there, and nor was anyone one else who was strong enough to assist the man.

this situation with the man and the television was the bigger reason for the anguish i had to endure waiting in the cold for the bus. had the bus arrived on time the first time, i would have been home already. if i stayed at the bus stop instead of walking, i would have been home already. i would have been home, eating my dinner, watching television and the situation with the “television man” would not have taken place. at least i would not be present to see it take place. i also, may not have been so willing to help the man, if my evening occurred as it usually did. i would be more concerned with catching my connecting bus. i may have had the attitude that, i could not help and i was not about to risk frostbite to help someone i clearly could not help. my mind would have been occupied with itself and what i was doing, never mind the man getting off the bus. i may not even have witnessed this situation take place at all. by the time i arrived at the other bus stop i knew what it was like to have something not go your way. i knew what it was like to be out in the cold, never mind having to carry a huge television around on top of enduring the seemingly unbearable weather. i knew what it was like to be frustrated and tired.

initially, when i saw the man get off the bus, i was all ready to help him. i was ready to take what i had learned and use it to help my brother in need. i wanted to help so badly. as time goes by , i wonder if the need to help was to serve my own ego. did i want to help, because i knew it would make me feel good? i will never know , but the lesson i learned from this entire situation was this.

though everyone should always take every opportunity to help others and do good in this in this world and make it a better place for everyone, sometimes, you need to step back and realize that you cannot help every one, all the time. sometimes you need to leave it up to god and trust that he has a reason for everything. a lesson to teach and an experience to help you remember what is is like to be human.that is what i learned. the world will go on without any interference from me. it seems the only reason i was there at the bus stop, witnessing this man getting off, was to accept that i was entirely incapable of helping the man. i had to give it up to god and realize that no matter what, he will take care of his people. it is interference from us that may be the cause of many problems in the world. we have this basic need to want to help others and build connections with others. we have this never ending need to feel good, and we know that using the compassion god has freely given to us, helps us to achieve this goal. we are always so eager to view our opinions and share our knowledge and experiences, that we sometimes lose sight of why we are doing it in the first place.

that freezing cold day helped me to realize something. it forced me to analyze myself and the need to help others. i realized that sometimes, others do not need my help and will do fine without it. we have god all the time, any time. it was ridiculous of me to believe that had i not assisted the “televisionman”, that something would go terribly wrong. i forgot who was in charge, and it was not me. it was god. he is in charge of all things, great and small. he has a plan for each and everyone of us. we need to realize that the lesson we need to learn, is that sometimes, we are not meant to do anything, but focus on ourselves and our own issues. focus on our own difficulties first and then we become better capable of helping others. in the mean time, never ever stop feeling the need, nor the
compassion to do good in this world. never forget who is in the drivers seat. always remember, there is always something to learn about improving yourself, as long as you realize your need to grow, change and improve. it is inevitable. only then, can we begin our search towards the bright lights of god's wonderful kingdom in heaven. one last point to remember, are our own capabilities and to not force yourself to do something, you already know you are not capable of doing. like helping some guy lift an eight pond television!!!i am glad god helped me to realize this. otherwise i would have sacrificed my health to help someone i knew i could not effectively help. it is true, that we need to go beyond our own needs in order to help others in need, but i feel confident that god would not want to you break your backs doing it.. yes, we need to learn to be less egotistical and more compassionate and freely giving, but first, we must try to take care of your own issues, so when the time comes when the good lord needs you to be in a certain situation, you will be an effective participant and can avoid any confusion and/or upset because your own experience got in the way of accomplishing a certain task.each day you awaken, tell god you are ready to do his works.ask him to help you use the gifts he has given you, to to spread love.let him know each day, that you are available for him and to use you in any way he deems fit.of course talking to him and praying to him about yourself and your own health is of vital importance as well.

overall, we all need to listen to our hearts and allow the holy spirit to guide us and protect us from harm.we all need to realize that god is in charge and to ask him for direction when you pray. if you are confused about what you are doing, have faith that he knows what is right and how to make it so. understand that god is far greater then anyone on this earth, and so he should be, for he himself created it.we all need to listen a little more closely to what god wants us to do.we all need to “chilax”, like my husband reminds me to do everyday. life does not need to be as difficult as it is.we do not need to worry or fret as much as we do.we do not need to fear nor do we need to be so anxious about this world in which we live. god has and will take care of all your cares and concerns.he will let you know when he needs you and when. everyones world would be so much nicer and comfortable and loving if we just let god do his works.most importantly we need to learn how to pray.pray for ourselves.our loved ones.our friends.our universe.we need to pray for help with anything and everything that ails us.trust that prayer will help to make things better.it is a powerful tool and that is why it is important to do it each and every day.maybe three times a day.maybe for one entire day.either way we need to learn to pray properly.that is we need to have faith, and hope and love in our hearts and spirits and mind in order to pay effectivley.we need to believe that what we want and need, that god will and can help us.if we pray without trust in his good works and abilities to provide miracles, we should just not pray.pray knowing that the good lord does hear your prayers.he knows how you feel. it matters not whether you are afraid or sick or feeling guilty or alone.it matters not if you are feeling angry and bitter and taken advantage of. what does matter is that god loves us so much that he gave his “only begotten son” so that we could be free.so we could be forgiven.so we could be saved.let god save you.let god listen in on your deepest and darkest thoughts and feelings.let god take over.believe and you shall recieve.ask and ye shall recieve.pray for whatever ails you, as well as for what you are thankful for.pray for all that is good and all that is true.pray.pray.pray. i believe i have made my point. i believe that my lesson has been learned. i believe that if i understood god's love for me a bit better, i would have prayed for thanks, that he had the situation with the man and the television, under control. thanks be to god that i was spared the pain i may have endured, had i forced myself to pick up the television, knowing full well, that all that would be accomplished, was pain and possibly a broken limb.
lastly, but certainly not least. i need to relax and chill once in awhile.i need to practice the art of prayer as well as the art of stillness and silence.i must remember to stop for a moment and think of all the wonderful and amazing god has done for me.maybe eventually, that cold day would not have seemed as cold and i may have loved the feel of the cold air on my body and the beautiful white scenery before me and just say thanks to god for all he has done to make this world the beautiful place that it is.sure we have “issues” but non so extreme that you forget all the pleasant things around us.if perhaps at times we do forget, pray for god's help in allowing you to see things differently then you do.pray for a light in the dark areas in your heart and mind, and if you do it will trust and love in and for the lord,it will become a reality.amen to that.