Tell Me I'm Hot

Lara pushed the "increase" button on the treadmill and picked up the
pace of her jog. Staring at the electronic displays above the
handlebars, Lara watched the calorie burner slowly count
forward&;#8230;300&;#8230;302&;#8230;305. From the treadmill
beside her, childhood friend Christine wiped her arm across her
forehead and strained to see the numbers.

"Do normal people sweat like a pig?" Christine fanned her drenched
Nike t-shirt.

"I consider sweat a good thing," Lara offered, gasping for air, "I
just tell myself it's the bagel and cream cheese I ate for
breakfast."

"Cream cheese!" Christine whipped her head around and stared at Lara
with horror.

"Calm the hell down! It was low fat! It was that Neufchatel crap."
Decreasing in speed, Lara began her cool-down. Looking at her
sweat-coated sports watch, she hit the treadmill's stop button.
"Shit! I didn't realize what time it was! I've got to get to the mall
and pick up some underwear for the trip." Lara toweled off her neck and
gulped from a bottle of water.

"Why do you need underwear for a two-day trip? It's your anniversary,
I mean&;#8230;shouldn't you be looking for something that smells
good or something kinky?"

"Well, by underwear I mean&;#8230;" Lara leaned in close and
flapped her eyebrows at Christine to make sure she got the idea.

"Oh, I get it! You want to get something SEX-AY!"

"I don't know what to get. I don't want a nightgown because they're
not slinky enough. I don't want to get something slinky because it will
only make me look like a polish sausage stuffed into a teddy. Face it,
I'm a marshmallow woman, and I'm screwed. I don't know how Robert can
stand to sleep with me."

"You are not screwed! I'll go with you. Trust me, I'll find you
something naughty. I have a knack for locating good slut-wear. We'll
make that husband of yours squeal." Christine got into Lara's maroon
Chevrolet and gave herself a confidant, seductive look in her compact
mirror.

"I want to look sexy, not like a hooker. I know what your idea of sexy
is. Besides, I won't look sexy until I lose eighty pounds and tone up.
I admire anorexics so much, Christine, holy shit. I wish I had that
problem. I'd rather have an eating disorder than high blood pressure
any day." Lara pulled out of the gym parking lot and watched a herd of
skinny teenage boys huddled around a lanky blonde in a sports
car.

"You're sick, you know that? There's a big diff between a diet and
intravenously feeding somebody."
*********************************

As Lara and Christine pulled into the shopping complex, Lara's heart
began to pound, and her palms began to sweat. She turned off the car's
ignition and sat motionless, staring at the steering wheel.

"Problems?" Christine poked Lara in the arm.

"I HATE LINGERIE SHOPPING! I can't do this. I can't do this. Sweet
mother of God, I can't do this!" Lara put her head down and took a deep
breath.

"You've got issues, my friend. Sexy is a state of mind. You have to
think sexy before you can be sexy."

Walking towards the intimate apparel section, Lara fished in her purse
for a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Christine reached out and
slapped them out of her hand. They landed with a plop on the shopping
mall floor. Waving a finger in Lara's face, Christine asked, "Do you
want to smell like a chimney to have sex tonight? Well? Do you?"

"You don't understand. I hate this. Someone like me has no right to
dress sexy. I hate myself, and I hate my damn body. Garter belts were
made for thin people, not Pillsbury dough people, like me. Why does
this make me so nervous? Lots of fat people have sex, right?"

"Well, I can't imagine you in a garter belt, and to be honest, I'm
trying really hard not to. But Robert probably could. He loves you.
It's not like you have to go to work dressed like that." Christine
wrapped a reassuring arm around her friend's shoulders.

"I don't understand the point of this stuff, anyway. I'll just put it
on, and five minutes later, it'll be laying on the floor." Lara
sniffled and wiped a rogue tear from her eye.

"Five minutes. Really? Wow, it usually takes Mark about two minutes,
and that's on a slow night."
**********************************

Christine pulled out a midnight blue teddy with feather fringes and
held it up across the store. "How 'bout this?"

"For God's sake, Christine, shut up! You don't have to announce it to
the whole store!" Lara ducked her head so she wouldn't be seen.

"Sorry, sheesh. I didn't know where you went."

"What is this?" Lara felt the feathers between her fingers and
crinkled her nose in disgust.

"You don't like it? It's funky looking." Christine smiled a proud
smile and held it up to her petite body.

"I said I wanted to look sexy, not like Charro." Lara thrust out her
hand and grabbed it out of Christine's hand, and hung it back on the
rack. Lara glanced at the rack beside her and saw a black see-through
nightie. "Hey, Christine, look at this. It's kinda pretty. It's
classy."

"You know what that is? It's B-O-R-I-N-G." Christine grabbed a leather
thong and nodded approvingly. "Get something dirty. You're not a
granny."

"No, I'm serious. I like this."

"Try it on." Christine rolled her eyes.

"I can't just go try it on. Please. Just be glad I got rid of enough
humiliation to come here at all."

"Uh, how will you know if it fits?" Christine bit her thumbnail and
eyed a pair of crotch-less undies.

"Who cares if it fits? It's just going to land in a heap on the floor
right? Besides, it says it's my size." Lara winked at her friend and
took the nightie off the rack and walked it to the cash register.

"It won't necessarily wind up on the floor. I still say you should go
for something more exotic."

"I'm sorry I don't keep a whip and handcuffs in my dresser drawer like
you do," Lara told Christine in a loud voice to shut her up. Christine
punched her in the arm and looked around to make sure nobody heard.
Leaning in to Lara's ear, Christine whispered, "Hey don't knock it till
you've tried it."

********************************
Lara stood in the bathroom of the hotel where she and Robert were
staying for their anniversary vacation. She slowly slipped into the
sheer black nightie and looked at herself from every possible angle.
Cracking the door open just an inch, she looked out at Robert, who was
in bed reading a tourist catalog. There were things she had worn that
had become "old stand-by's" but they had gotten old and predictable.
Lara let her hair down and stepped out into the bedroom. She looked up
from the floor to see Robert smiling. He kicked back the covers and
dropped the catalog on the floor.

"I like it," was all he said, as Lara sat at the edge of the
bed.

"I don't look like a Richard Simmons client?" Lara looked over her
shoulder at him sheepishly. Robert laughed and kissed the back of her
neck.

"You look like the beautiful young woman I married. Except, you look
even more beautiful than usual tonight. I didn't think that could ever
be possible."

"I look sexy, don't I?" Lara asked, seriously.

"Oh yeah. You always do."