A Cold Sweat

Emily's bedroom is bright and cheery this morning as rays of
sunlight
filter through the curtains. Staring straight up at the ceiling, a
fear
grips her. It stiffens her legs and takes hold of her lungs. "If I
take
try to calm myself and give myself a minute, this will pass." It
seems
every morning is like this one. A new name for the day but a rerun
of
yesterdays fear. A nightmare that is turning her life upside down.
"I
am afraid to sleep because I know the dream will start and if I
don't
get any sleep, I will be a wreck. I have to fight this fear with
everything in me."


Emily gets out of bed and puts her fingers through her hair.
Her lovely
blonde hair is now dull and lifeless. "Why bother? Where am I
going?
I'm too scared to go outside." She recalls the nightmare one more
time.
"I must find a door which I must open that leads to a maze that I
must
solve. The instructions to solving the puzzle are always given in
a
foreign language and I don't understand a word they are saying to me.
I
see an instructor in a room winding an alarm clock and telling me
that
I am running out of time. It is a man with a suit and tie. He
never
smiles. His eyes are dark and cold. Almost lifeless. His voice
gets
angrier and angrier and the ticking of the clock gets louder and
louder. His instructions are repeated in this foreign language and
I
raise my hand to ask what he is saying. He says in English,
"Silence!".
I struggle to find my way through the maze but I fail miserably. I
hear
an alarm ticking and in English, I hear, "Times up." Panic fills
my
mind and I find it very difficult to think clearly. "Times up!", I
hear
again and I am told to find my own way out. There is no way out.
None
that my logical mind can see. I try to think clearly, but fail. I
hear
laughing, which makes my panic increase. I feel the need to cut and
run
quickly from some kind of hidden danger. The danger is unclear
and
mysterious, then I smell smoke from behind me. The instructor has
started a fire within the maze and intends to burn me alive. It is
sink
or swim. I now must solve the maze, but I don't know how. There is
no
answer and I am lost. I wake up in a cold sweat.I never did get out
of
the maze to free myself. I always wake herself up before the end
of
the nightmare.


Emily is too afraid of finding out what is on the other side.
She
doesn't remember how the nightmares started, but it has kept her
from
living a normal life. Squeezing her eyes tightly and willing the sun
to
go away, she pulls the covers right over her head . The light of
day
brings new terrors. Now, as the morning light beckons her, her
mind
conjures up new scenarios to keep her fear alive.


She swings her feet off the bed and pushes herself up.
Suddenly, she is
gripped with a cold sweat. "I can't do it! Why can't I do it?"



Rushing to the bathroom, she splashes cold water on her face
and gets a
hold of herself. Something unknown is gripping at her
self-esteem,
holding her hostage inside of this house, this prison. She must
go
ahead despite her intense fear. She combs her hair, put on her
make-up
and looks in her closet for her new blue dress and shoes.



Taking a deep breath, she opens the door and steps outside.
How long has
it been? Two years since she last tried to go outside? Her
stomach
knots up with fear. It is such a sickening feeling and
unpredicible.
Ashamed of her weakness, Emily feels like hiding in her own
little
comfortable world. "This isn't living!", she tells herself.



NO. Says a voice from deep inside her. Open the door and go
outside.
Just take one step and don't think about the next one. You will
be
okay. The only enemy you face is yourself. You have kept yourself
prisoner in your home too long.


NO. Emily wants to live. The door creeks as she opens it
slowly and
peers outside. Taking a step outside quickly, she slams the door
shut
behind her so there is no chance that she will let fear whisk her
back
into that prison of a life she once lived. Emily doesn't want to
remain
here. She feels the sun on her face and the air smells sweet and
good
out here. "What was I thinking? This isn't so bad!" She walks to
her
car which has been sitting there for two years just waiting to be
driven. She doesn't even know if there is any gas in it. She just
turns
on the ignition of the car. She needs to do this or she will lose
everything. Her self respect, her dignity, any hope for a better
life
for herself. Any risk has to be better than sitting around waiting
to
die.



The car engine stalls once, then twice, but on the third turn of
the
key,it starts right up and runs like a charm. Emily backs up the
car
and heads toward her future. She parks her car in the parking lot
and
enters the building. There is an elevator and if she remembers
correctly, her appointment is on the seventh floor. She enters
the
elevator and suddenly, and without warning, she feels trapped. A
cold
sweat envelops her. She needs to escape. NOW! She starts to shake
violently and becomes unglued. Emily quickly hits the STOP button
on
the elevator panel. The elevator makes an abrupt stop on the
fifth
floor. She wills herself to breathe, to calm down, but the fear
grips
her so strongly that she take her fists and hits the walls. She
puts
her face to the cold metal and cries. She doesn't want to fail
again.
She can't bear the thought of failing. She breathes again and
just
waits for a miracle. Will this cold sweat pass? After about ten
minutes, the fear loses its grip on her. She breathes and
breathes
through the fear. She pushes the button for the seventh floor
once
again. The elevator proceeds up to the seventh floor. She knows
her
fears are real although anyone would tell her that she is being
ridiculous for imagining things. This cold sweat is holding her
prisoner and it is a Battle of wills. Emily must win this battle
because it is a battle of whether she decide to live or die a
living
death here on Earth. A true life or one where she is fearful of
everything or anyone new or different. She decides to fight and
she
will be okay.


Yes. Emily is going to be okay. Lucky for Emily, she was
alone in the
elevator today. No witnesses to her ungluing. She takes one more
deep
breath and the elevator door opens. She goes to the office called
Human
Resources and hands over her resume to the receptionist. She takes
a
chair and waits her turn. My cold sweat returns but she tells it to
go
away. She has a life to live. Go away fear.


The receptionist calls her over for her interview. Emily
smiles and
walks to the office and takes the typing test .She just tries her
best.
She doesn't try to be great and that seems to work for her. She
is
surprised that her fear is there, but under control. As long as
she
concentrates, she will have control over her thoughts. She can
beat
this thing if she chooses to. It's all up to her.


She finishes the test and takes the interview. She is calm
and poised
and answers all the questions the best that she can. She knows that
she
is not perfect and fights the urge to try to be. She tries to be
herself and repeats over and over that everything will be just fine.



The interview and the typing test were not so bad. Emily
thinks that she
did better than most of the candidates there. The fact that someone
has
faith in her makes Emily feels fantastic. The cold sweat will be
there
for while. The telephone on the kitchen wall doesn't ring. She wants
it
to ring. The telephone will bring her the news that she succeeded
in
her interview.It has been two weeks since she had the courage to
go
outside. She must try again. "I didn't get this job, but there
are
others. I can't just wait for them. I will try again. I am going
to
have good days and bad days but she is going to keep on trying to
live.
There will be nights full of cold sweat and fear but now Emily
knows
that she can control her fear and turn it around to joy and
success.
She is the master of her own destiny and will rule her own life and
any
decision that she makes will reflect her new found strength that
was
always there but hiding behind the mask of intense
fear.



Fear will not win this time around.