A Small Retaliation

When Daniel left me for Rebecca, I thought about killing her. I
fantasised about tampering with the brakes on her car, only I didn't
know how to and was worried about getting caught, which is one of the
problems of revenge. There was also the possibility that I might kill
Daniel as well and I didn't want to. I still loved him then.

I'd expected better of her though. Apart from being my yoga teacher,
women are not supposed to do these things to each other. The idea of
hurting her persisted for a while. Instead, I sent pizza deliveries to
their address late at night, which was fun and gave me a sense of
purpose. Then I realised I was wasting people's time and money and
stopped. I thought of other ways to annoy them, while the boys were at
school. It was soothing and stopped me feeling vulnerable.

Eventually, I gave up plotting. I began to feel better and was proud of
myself. I'd moved on. I had the boys to think about.

When Daniel left her, she let his tyres down with a knife. I heard
about it from Daniel, because we were quite friendly by then. We had to
keep in touch because of the boys, and he'd got into the habit of
dropping in to talk about himself when he dropped the children off
after their weekend visits. When he left her, l felt vindicated. She
was suffering as I had, and Daniel had proved himself no good to either
of us.

Now Daniel is slouched on my sofa, telling me how his latest girlfriend
has thrown him out. "She thinks I'm trouble," he says. "Too much
baggage." I can see that he isn't ageing well. He's balding and putting
on weight. I decide I've had the best of him. There is still some charm
and he is still the boys' father, but I don't love him any more.
"I don't like living on my own," he says. "It's not good for
me."
"Well, now's your opportunity to get to know yourself. It'll do you
good."
"I need some tender loving care," says Daniel. "I miss family
life."
I think of all the times he hasn't turned up to visit the boys.
"You might miss it," I reply "but you're not very good at it."

Time passes and I decide to leave my job. I rent a tiny office, buy a
computer and start doing accounts for small companies. The hours are
flexible and I can spend more time with the boys. Things take off and I
employ an assistant, Lucy, who is good at charming the clients. She's
young, well spoken and hard-working. We become good friends. I enjoy
hearing about her exploits with various boyfriends over coffee-breaks
until one day she comes in sighing and starts talking about an older
man, Daniel, who she has fallen in love with. She can't mean my Daniel?
I muse, trembling. She has mentioned a wine bar that Daniel frequents.
Says going there makes him feel older and younger. It can't be a
coincidence. This is serious. If Lucy finds out, she'll be embarrassed
and want to leave. If she doesn't, Daniel might live happily ever after
and that will be worse.
"I haven't told her yet," Daniel admits on his next visit. "I don't
want to put her off. I'm in love," he says, sounding bashful. We
collude to keep the truth from Lucy. But of course it has to come out
and when it does her reaction is low-key. The fact that I have loved
Daniel and remained friends with him proves he's a 'catch.'

So, Daniel has started talking about marriage and children. Lucy
has
bought a kitten called Honey as a substitute baby, and I start to
wonder when Daniel will leave her. Could Lucy really be his true love?
He talks about her in all the right ways, but I've heard it before and
I don't want to listen when he eulogises about her. I don't want him
back, but do I want him to be happy? Maybe I'm wrong and Daniel has
changed. He looks like he has plenty of mileage left. I wonder if I
would feel more charitable if I had remarried. The boys like Lucy, but
aren't too keen on the idea of her as their stepmother. Neither am
I.
Daniel books a holiday in Barbados, three months before the wedding,
and Lucy starts looking up catteries for Honey. On a whim, I offer to
look after her and suggest Lucy bring her round to acclimatise. I
decide that a bit of shared anxiety will be good for Daniel and Lucy,
it will test their love. Why wait until children come along?
The cat takes to me, rolling on her back playfully. I feel guilty
shutting her in the attic and the boys are upset when I explain that
Honey has run away. I'm scared at how easily I lie. She leads a
pampered life with me as a devoted slave, fetching food and milk and
emptying her litter tray. On the whole she accepts her imprisonment
graciously.

Tension is mounting at work. Lucy talks about her loss constantly and I
nearly weaken at the sight of her tear-stained face. She's careful not
to blame me saying it could have happened to anyone. Daniel talks to
me, immune to Lucy's tears. He is angry that she would consider
cancelling their holiday because of a missing cat. "It'll either come
back or it won't, regardless," he storms. "Does this mean Lucy is never
going to come on holiday if, God forbid, the cat never comes back?"
Lucy can't believe he would expect her to go away not knowing what has
happened to the cat. How can she enjoy herself not knowing whether
Honey is alive or dead? Each is beginning to question the depth of the
other's love
The holiday is cancelled, and the money is not refundable. Daniel is
quietly angry. Lucy is stubborn. They can always book another holiday.
But they don't, because something has been spoilt. "She'll be grateful
one day," I tell myself. "Daniel doesn't deserve her." I wonder if I
should have let her find out for herself, but it's too late. I release
Honey back into Lucy's garden and she dashes through the cat-flap. The
next day, Lucy's face is radiant.
Time passes, and there is an odd atmosphere in the air. Too subtle to
interpret; a feeling that somehow Daniel and Lucy suspect I had
something to do with Honey's disappearance, and yet they won't accuse
me. It's too improbable. Or perhaps they are ashamed of their own
behaviour. Lucy's manner grows reserved. Daniel's voice on the phone is
cool.
Eventually they separate. Lucy hands in her notice and tells me she's
moving away and I feel sad. Work will not be the same without her. I
decide to look for another job.
Time crawls by. Awkward time. The boys go to visit Daniel. They like
his new wife. Apparently she's young, attractive and good fun. They say
the baby is gorgeous.

Daniel doesn't visit me any more, which is probably for the best.