Incredible Shrinking Duvet

Have you ever lain awake at night wondering why you are so
cold?

Have you wondered why the duvet that was of adequate size and thickness
last night has become the size of a pocket handkerchief and as thin as
a butterfly's wing?

There is a secret property of the common duvet known only to insomniacs
with poor central heating.

When it is warm the duvet will hang to the floor on both sides of the
bed, causing the sleeper(s) to toss and turn, flinging bundles of
over-warm stuffing from one side of the bed to another.

In cold weather the same bedding will shrink so the it will barely
cover the would-be sleeper's shoulders.

After a week's solid use the bedclothes are taken off and placed in the
washing machine where they demonstrate another of their weird
properties.

If the opening in the duvet cover is not fastened up it will turn
itself completely inside out.

It isn't a random chance otherwise it would sometimes be the right way
out after washing.

It is never a tangle of half inside out and half not. Always totally
inside out.

Nobody knows why...

The other problem that we have always suspected is the way that the
duvet migrates to your partner's side during the night.

When you confront him/her about it they accuse you of the same
thing.

The truth is that the Duvet Elf, a relative of the Tooth Fairy, pulls
it upwards in the night, depriving both members of your local formation
sleeping team of it's benefits.

Pillows suffer from the same perversity. When you are trying to get off
to sleep they are unruly and lumpy. They are either too thick or too
thin, too high or too low, too hot or too cold.

A few short hours later, when the alarm goes off, they are blissfully
comfortable. When you are ready to settle down for a really good sleep
it is time to get up and face the cold. You spend the day thinking
about the warmth and comfort that was fleetingly yours.

When you go to bed that night, you've guessed it, the pillows are
lumpy, the duvet is up to it's tricks again and you spend another night
of discomfort.

These properties are discussed in Professor Von Schnoozen-Zimmer's
latest book and the effects described above have become known as
Schnoozen Zimmer's Syndrome or SZS for short.

The Professor is researching the subject at Harvard University, funded
by grants from the British Bedding Council, a consortium of UK bedding
manufacturers, and America's largest chain of drive in bedding stores,
Colonel Kipper's Snooze-U-Like, (We never rest so that you can).

Teams of volunteers take part in trials of the latest in sleep
technology.

One of the problems with this kind of mass trial is that the subjects
often emerge fuddled and unable to answer the 22 page questionnaire
until they have had a cup of coffee and a slice of toast.

Those in the control group, the ones that are put into their own beds
for the trials, report that they benefit greatly from the
experience.

The all night floodlit golf driving range in Boston Mass is doing great
business with this group.

They are finding it difficult to drop off after spending their working
days diligently sleeping to further mankind's knowledge of the twilight
hours.

I have been privileged to obtain some preliminary finding of the good
professor's work.

He covers a good range of common sleeping and bedtime activity
problems.

One of the findings of his research is that insomniacs can alleviate
their problems by turning round in bed so that their feet are where
their heads usually are.

Tests have shown that this is a good way of breaking the cycle of
sleeplessness.

Other people have found that they sleep better if their beds are
aligned North-South so that the Earth's lines of magnetic flux pass
down their bodies. Presumably situating the bed directly over a
ley-line would be beneficial as well.

The first published report makes some recommendations as to the type of
activity to be avoided in bed.

To be encouraged are: reading, listening to the radio or watching
television, conversation and crocheting.

Activities that are to be discouraged include: Cockroach racing, basket
weaving, fretwork, carpentry and eating toast.

It is rumoured that some countries are governed from the beds of their
most senior leaders, even when those leaders are not ill or infirm.
This is not as bad as it may seem. A lot of people have their best
ideas in bed and anything that helps politicians to think more clearly
can only be a good thing.

The other good thing about government from the bedroom is that is very
difficult to becomes pompous when addressing a nation from between the
sheets.

The bed is the place where you spend a third of your life. It is your
retreat from a cold cruel world and is your comfort when illness
strikes. As such it deserves a far greater status in our lives. The bed
maker and duvet stitcher should be revered as master craftsmen.

The purchase of a bed should be the most carefully considered decision
of our lives.

We spend thousands on our cars, in which we spend but a few minutes a
day yet many of us are sleeping on mattresses that should have been
consigned to the tip years ago.

Have we got our priorities a bit mixed up?

Pleasant dreams...