Lump

A sodden silence stifles the air. A constant wrench churns inside
her stomach.

Behind her, a door opens and a girl walks out. There's sobbing noises
and she can't help but turn around. The girl looks so young. She is
another version of her mother except for the hairdo and the difference
in anxiety on their faces. She follows them with her eyes but her gaze
gets lost on the blueness of the padding of the chairs. Unbelievably
depressing is that blue, Esther thinks. A grey tinge on the surface.
The colour of skin when it's cold or dying.

However much she would like to get up and stretch she feels as if she
is stuck there. The plastic sucking onto her legs. Her eyeballs feel
like heavy solid weights pushed back in.

'Esther Hertz, please.'

A thud and a reflex action of legs combined lurch her body up and
forward. The nurse already looking with disdain for an Esther who isn't
there but then the nurse notices her. That blank look on the nurse's
face had led to a whole series of panic reflex actions. She had started
to move faster and her stomach started a series of cramping spasms.
There was an undoubted wobble in her step.

Esther managed to walk through the door that the nurse held open for
her.

'Get on the bed please and take your top off.'

The ceiling was a murky kind of yellow. A few brown spots scattered. At
speed a middle-aged man came through a door she hadn't even notice
before. She heard a murmur and the curtain's shushing.

Purposefully he looked her in the eyes.

'So you have a lump on your breast?'

'Yes.'

'And it isn't painful?'

'No.'

His big hands came forward, towards her chest. She was immediately
scared. Pictures of little girls in newspapers who had been abused came
to mind, she flicked these images off quickly.

As his surprisingly soft hands tried to embed themselves in her flesh,
she thought, 'This is okay. I can cope with this.'

And the lump moved underneath his fingers just as it had with her. She
had encircled her fingers around it trying to pull it out.

In the next moment he was plunging a needle into her. Wiggling it
around, his face seemed larger than it had before. She closed her eyes,
sick of the sight of him. A deadened feeling in her stomach. And when
he pulled it out she was surprised that he didn't give out a
moan.

The nurse spoke.

'You can put your top back on now.'

'Thanks,' Esther said quietly.

The nurse pointed into the other room. She assumed rightly that meant
to go in there. The doctor indicated for her to sit in a seat that
seemed to be too near to him.

'Well I don't think there's anything to worry about. It's a fibroid
adenoma. A lot of women have them. If it gets larger then we can
surgically remove it for you but at the moment it doesn't give you any
problems so there's no need. To make sure I took a biopsy. I will write
and let you know the result. Any questions?'

'Erm no.'

'So we'll telephone you if we find something else.'

'Thank you.'

With that she knew she had to go. A few people had moved like they were
playing musical chairs with themselves but other than that everything
was the same in the room.

She walked past the chairs and out the door.