Protecting the Environment

Protecting the Environment - Norman A. Rubin

Obnoxious and noisy neighbors are like weeds. The more one tries to rid them from sight they sprout all around with their ugly presence. Yet to one timid chap, after trying to escape the enveloping menace, he found by chance a most delectable way of rooting out his unpleasant neighbors. Yes, a most delectable way!

***

The pleasant rays of sun warmed the timid soul of Caspar Snerd as he relaxed on a garden lounge chair in its comfort, albeit under alarge beach umbrella. A cool drink was at hand lying on a small metal table alongside. A pair of sunglass marked the place of the book that was placed near the beverage. The good man sighed in contentment.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere a large shaggy non-descript dog leaped onto the lap of the timid soul, disturbing his serenity. The mutt's large muddy paws were planted on his middling small-boned body and from a slobbering mouth, a large slimy red tongue lathered poor Caspar's thin mellow face. The dog's tongue slobbered the white of his pointed chin to the thinness of his wispy brown hair, and added a lickor two to his large ears. The poor chap jumped from the deck chair
tossing the affectionate animal aside. He tried to shoo the dog away as he stood in anger, but to no avail. The dog just stared at Caspar and wagged his tail in affection.

"Ohh, that dreadful beast, such a dirty animal echhh!" Caspar Snerd almost called out a complaint. His inner thoughts added his wrath,
"That horrid Eugene Batty, always trouble one way or another. Ohhh, if I can only rid myself of him and his pesky family... and that miserable dog of his."

He called out to his next door neighbor who was busily watering his garden. "Good heavens, Mr. Batty can't you keep your dog on a leash. Look what he has done to my clean clothes, all muddy!"

"Hahr, harh, harh," was the raucous laughter in reply to Caspar Snerd's shout. Mr. Eugene Batty, a gross character in his middle age span then stopped the flow of water and slowly ambled his pot-belly body to the bordering hedge. He poked his fat florid face above the growth and yelled though a mouth holding a well chewed cigar, "Here
Shaggy, here Shaggy boy, come to daddy-o." The dog heard the calls of its master, turned to the sound as he pricked up his ears. Another call from Mr. Batty and the pooch lifted himself from the lawn, shook the wet hairs from his body on the clothes of poor Mr. Snerd, and then charged through the bushes bulldozing a path to the side of his
master.

"Sorry neighbor," Mr. Batty shouted as his overfed body crashed through the rent in the hedge and made his way to Caspar Snerd. The neighbor held out a dripping hand to the timid soul, blew a coughing blow of cigar smoke, as he towered over him. Mr. Batty bellowed out an apology, more like sound of the warrior cry of the Valkyries, "Sorry,
about that. I'll see that it won't happen again. Will fix the hedge like before, promise. Shake on it!" Mr. Batty gripped Snerd's slim hand in a bone crushing grip that cracked his knuckles. The timid soul was spared further suffering when a shrieking voice rasped through the air signaling the presence of Mrs. Selma Batty.

Caspar Snerd saw the back of Mr. Batty with the loud words 'coming dear, be there in a moment' trailing behind him as he rushed as fast as his thick legs could move to the commanding call from his dearly beloved Selma. Casper sighed in relief as watched the gross form of his neighbor as he tread the many steps over the lawn and up a few
steps to the porch of his architectural two-storied monstrosity.

Mr. Snerd looked in the near distance and saw Selma Batty in a tête-à-tête with her Eugene. The woman, overripe in fatty tissue, bulgingly dressed in a two piece gaudily colored sun suit; the halter
held firm oversized breasts that would make a porno queen jealous with with envy and her flabby buttocks were almost bursting from her brief
shorts. A sombrero-type straw hat covered her dyed blonde hair and shadowed a fleshy face.

The sight lasted a few moments as the couple clumped in their heaviness to their domicile. Like in a pageant another gross overfed form appeared on the scene. Melvin the endearing twelve-year old
blessing of the seed of Mr. Batty schlepped roly-poly from the side of the house calling, "Hear Shaggy, hear Shaggy, c'mon boy.." A large bunch of hair lifted up his ears and rushed to the sound of the command. The dog leaped joyfully on the chest of awkward youth as it saw a sandwich packed to the full held high by a pudgy right hand, but a equally pudgy left hand slapped the animal to the green of the lawn. Melvin then tore a chunk of meat from his repast and flung it to his Shaggy, who delighted in the tidbit. Melvin then took a hefty bite from his sandwich as the dog drooled in the sight hoping for another piece. But the boy carried on eating until he was finished, leaving a
small bit of the sandwich, which he gave to Shaggy as he patted him.

Casper Snerd watched this tableau, which, more or less, was part of the scenic view of his neighbors, the Battys, which in his mind was a
environmental disaster in his eyes. The Battys were not the best of neighbors as they disturbed Casper and his equally timid wife Ethel, a
fluttering bird of a woman. The Snerd couple were childless and they had moved in their advancing years to this neighborhood for the quiet it possessed until the Battys built their so-called grand habitat on the empty sided lot.

The suffering couple had to endure for the past three years the seemingly miseries inflicted by their neighbors. It was endless but the Snerds in their timidly took all sorts of punishment from them in silence. After all the Battys were stronger than them in all ways. All the Snerds could do at the very moment was to daydream in retaliation.

The worst affront to them was the noise of social gatherings of their obnoxious neighbors that seemed to cater endlessly to a lot of boorish, overdressed, overfed forms of humanity. These events were not subdued in their merriment but loud and raucous with the added jungle drum of music thumping into the late hours.

The reek of the greasy blackish smoke of their barbeques burning fatty meat called in wrong terms 'steaks' and 'hamburgers' added their tone of smelly misery. The offensive odor was definitely an affront to the environment of the affluent neighborhood.

The Snerd couple was never invited to the merriment and only suffered the miseries afforded by their neighbors. They took this form of punishment in silence. True, at times he had made a complaint to the Battys, but the shrill voice of Selma told him in no polite words to mind his business. But, the Snerds had allies being the other neighbors who were rarely invited to take part in the kindness of the Battys. The obnoxious couple in their snobbishness only invited those in the so-called higher brackets of society. Well the good neighbors didn't take kindly to the bellowing and loud music issuing from Batty residence: When their patience ran thin these good folk simply telephoned the police and after the blue lights appeared the noise stilled to a whisper.

Within time Caspar Snerd's patience wore thin and he thought of ways and means to find the comfort of peace and quiet that was denied him by the Battys. He consulted the municipality, and even his lawyers but he only received a shrug from shoulders indicating that the law was in favor to his near neighbor. Thoughts to sell his house and
move away was impossible as potential buyers heard of the miserable behavior of the Battys and were reluctant to discuss terms. Mr Snerd was desperate until a lucky stroke blessed him.

It was in form of an advertisement in the press requesting an inexpensive residence for a visiting diplomat from a new emerging nation; an isolated state between the islands of New Guinea and the
Fijis. The state was called in terms that even a BBC commentator could not pronounce as the country’s own citizens where not sure of the
pronunciation.

The details of the ad related the rental was for a two-month period to house a representative of that democratic republic and his family during a conference to be held in six weeks hence. The coming meeting was something affecting new emerging states sponsored by an organization with a name so long that it would take two breaths to
pronounce.

Caspar Snerd read the advertisement a second time and thought very carefully. The summer months were mentioned. Two months or more holiday time was due to Caspar from the employment where he labored
as a clerk in the keeping of the books; besides the company was going through reorganization period and his services were not required. They would certainly grant him the request. After all Caspar Snerd was an efficient worker due for a promotion in the new setup.

The delighted Caspar Snerd joyfully announced his decision for a coming holiday to his Ethel who thankfully looked forward to a long awaited vacation. Explanation was in order and there was agreement. The couple then planned a trip to a seaside resort, not too ostentatious, but comfortable to their needs. The couple chirped as
they talked about walks along the shore of the ocean, the collection of seashells, and above all a quiet and relaxed vacation.

Caspar Snerd was unaware of the customs of this island nation when he timidly dialed the number mentioned in the newspaper ad. A friendly female voice answered his call and when she heard of his wish to rent his home, she told him all about the potential client. Then she slyly interjected after thought, "You haven't read the article about them?" but after receiving a negative answer arranged an appointment with her boss on the following late afternoon. The pleasant voice then requested his name and telephone number in case of... The mellifluous sound faded way with the click of the receiver.

But Caspar Snerd was not enlightened about the history of the island country, which the potential renter represented. He was not told... They won their independence from a colonial power that was
undoubtedly glad to rid themselves of semi-clad sultry males and very slightly dressed dark skinned females, some with very pendulous breasts. They were an endearing lot who had a taste for captured male prisoners from their many wars; the captured women were spared as like the queen bee, they had use in filling the island with a new crop of warriors. It was rumored that during the occupation and the subsequent conversion to a new faith that white meat was a rare delight.

According to an esteemed professor in his recent study of this island country stated emphatically, the inhabitants now obey the strict rules of the Geneva protocols toward prisoners of wars. The
cadaverous professor and equally cadaverous wife had recently visited the newly emerged state and found that his studies were correct. But, some corpulent military chap, part of a diplomatic team from Rossiya,was found to be missing after training exercises of the new army. But that democratic nation in the western hemisphere only sent a miserable lot of their failed scrawny diplomats to represent their interests,namely four cadaverous elders and an equally thin, but twirping female clerk. Alone amongst the diplomatic corps they did not need the
protection of their marines, both slim Jims.

The island democratic nation had their general election for president and the survivor became its leader and the members of his immediate family and tribe sat at the cabinet meetings. The voting was
held was fair and square with no shooting of maiming of potential candidates from opposing tribes. No, they just simply gobbled them away, albeit with spicy condiments.

The following afternoon Caspar Snerd was on time, albeit he was an half an hour early and the extra time was consumed by pleasant stroll around the slightly derelict area. When the clock neared the
appointed hour, the timid soul entered the required building and he mounted the stairs to the second floor to the office of the real estate agency with the name of Muffet, Muffet, Muffet and Golder, realtors. Caspar Snerd cautiously opened the portals of this establishment and was greeted by a gum-chewing peroxide blonde, namely the secretary and receptionist.

Before Caspar Snerd was able to introduce himself, the slightly dressed voluptuous female erotically shifted from her seat and took him by the hand. "Mr. Caspar Snerd, am I correct. Mr. J. B. Moffet is expecting you," she announced with a slight sexy tone. Without any confirmation from Caspar, the secretary quickly ushered him to the
office of her boss. The good man was not aware of her instructions, which was to snare this only potential renter for their client; that no other realtors would accept the custom of the diplomat's consul.

J.B. Moffet, a Micawberish type of a chap in his late fifties, greeted Caspar Snerd with warmth and enthusiasm. The chubby realtor left the comfort of his leather armchair, circled his large oaken
desk, and proffered a hand to Caspar. "My dear chap, it is my pleasure to make your acquaintance. Please be seated," as he ushered him to the
comfort of a large leather armchair.

Before Caspar Snerd was able to say the proverbial 'Jack Robinson', Mr. J. B. Moffet introduced himself, detailed the proposition for theneed of a rental, money no object to a point. He told a bit about his client and his so-called beneficial characteristics, but quite conveniently forget certain details. Terms were set, appointment for his client to see the residence was arranged, and a pen was placed in Caspar's hand.

J.B. Moffet ushered Caspar Snerd from his office with a friendly arm on the shoulders. "Good day Mr Snerd, it was a pleasure doing business with you. By the way you didn't read the headlines in the
morning press.. No, no, never mind." But if Caspar Snerd had read the tabloids he would of learned of an attempted coup in an island kingdom between the New Guinea coast and the Fiji Islands; a short-lived attempt that ended with the mysterious disappearance of the ringleaders (Their
burnt bones were later found on a nearby shore.).

Two days later a very large black limousine stopped at the residence of Caspar and Ethel Snerd. The door to the rear was opened by the uniformed chauffeur and a giant of a man together with a giantess of a woman alighted followed by small giant of a boy. Their sultry skins were properly attired in the dress of the west to the
correct show of gold ornaments.

The trio, then made away along the path to doorway of the house. they mounted the few steps, walked along the small porch and at the door rang the chiming bell. The door immediately opened and Ethel and Caspar was there to greet their guests. The diplomat and his family were ushered into the Snerd's parlor where there was the proper
introduction, and a bit of pleasantries over cocoa and biscuits, which as enjoyed.

Business followed and the diplomat and his family were shown the premises, which they found adequate to their needs. Then Caspar and the envoy stepped into another room where terms were discussed and
agreed upon. Money, to the satisfaction of both parties, was passed to Caspar Snerd and keys to the house were passed in return tothe diplomat.

But the snoopy Battys had seen the gleaming black limousine and curiosity arose. Then 'without by your leave' the obnoxious ones were there on the Snerd's porch when the diplomat and his family were
making their departure. The eyes of the citizens from that island country between the coast of New Guinea and the Fiji Islands lit up when they
learned that the gross forms were their future near neighbors. Introductions were necessary and the correct forms were in order.

"Delecte... no, delighted in making your acquaintance," the diplomat spoke through moist lips as he proffered a large dark hand that felt the fleshy grip of Eugene. His family also made native symbolic gestures as they prodded fatty tissues. The Battys, too, were also delighted to have such distinguished persons living next to them
as they would make a snobbish addition to their celebrations.

Within the space of a few days saw the luggage packed, and a taxi ordered as the Caspar and Ethel Snerd made ready to departure for their long awaited holiday. Nothing hindered them in their travel to their vacation lodging. True, to their delight, the resort was in good order with comfortable accommodations and pleasant company to enjoy. The weather was perfect in all respects and a good deal of their plans for outings and strolls were carried out. Time flew by in the pleasure of their holiday, till the final day. Souvenirs were obtained and packed, the bill was settled and with a cheery note by the hoteliers
Ethel and Caspar Snerd took the road back to their home.

The taxi driver was paid the bill of fare after he assisted the Snerds with their luggage to their house; and in a bit of generosity, Caspar said, "keep the change." Ether Snerd, upon entering the interior found to her delight that all was in order. Caspar, in turn, had found on the table in their dining nook the spare keys to his home, atop a note written in a Spencerian hand on paper with an official heading.
"My dear Caspar and Ethel Snerd I trust you had a pleasant and restful holiday. I trust you will find your home in correct order.
Once again, I would like to thank you for your hospitality in offering your home to me and my family. With sincere gratitue... Mombassa Lumbala, Special Envoy of the The Democratic Republic of.....

P.S. Your neighbors Eugene and Selma Batty along with their son Melvin were pleasant and delectable company. We even had a delicious romp with their dog Shaggy.”

As Caspar Snerd put down the note when he heard the pitter patter of his wife's feet as she neared him. The good woman chirped in delight when their eyes met. "Those thoughtful dears even left some of
their native dishes for us. The meat pie with the eye decoration in the center was most delicious, but rather a tinsey bit too spicy when I tasted it... "