A Beadling Shame

If 'Game for a Laugh.' was called 'You've been Deceived and
Ridiculed.' would it have as big an audience? I'm afraid it probably
would. But I can't watch the destruction of trust and good-nature
without wincing. It is a most heinous crime. After their experiences at
the hands of the fiend Beadle, these victims, and to some extent the
watching audience, will trust nobody. Not the Salvation Army, Nuns, All
Roadmen, Gas Board Officials, etc..

Please, Tony Blair and your large majority, pass a one off law,
perfectly legal if Parliament does it, to knock Jeremy Beadle's garden
wall down, no reason, no redress, no joke.

Life depends on trust and goodwill. I'm not winding you up. Winding up
is a euphemism for lying, anxiety inducing lies, but it's OK if it is a
wind up. Nothing is sacred. We are reaching the point when it will be
better to regard everything as a wind-up, unless the contrary is
proved. Trust in callers and phone calls is being eroded all the time.
Free survey of your windows, free quote for the kitchen. This is only
possible because of the inherent good nature of the population at
large.

If only we could get the home phone numbers of the tele-sales people.
They must have time off, they must be sitting down watching television
or eating their sausage and chips sometimes. Then our team could ring
and advise them that our supervisor (the only one allowed to give money
away on such a vast scale) wishes to tell them of a wonderful
opportunity, apparently free. We will stone chip their house,
brick-weave their drive, stained glass their door, keep them free from
the paralysing carpet bugs by a vacuum cleaner that in fact only costs
about as much as a small car, etc. In the legislation that knocks
Beadle's wall down, clause two makes the sales caller announce their
home phone number as well as their name. They are very free with the
latter but won't be so keen on the former I bet.

I would prefer them not to ring at all, even given the own-back
opportunity, but if they must I would prefer them to be honest.
Thus..'I am sorry to bother you. I am ringing on the off-chance that
you wish to have new windows and doors, because my firm sell them. If
you don't want them please just say and I will go away at once.'

The effect of these unsolicited calls is that we now answer the phone
as if it were an adder with it's fangs out, and our guarded answer can
puts off our real friends and relatives.

Consumer Surveys in the street are designed to give Unilever or Sony
and the like even more profit. Don't feel important if you are chosen.
You are a dupe. Everybody in the exercise is being paid except you. The
outcome will not be of general benefit to mankind but more likely a
larger hole in the top of your Fairy Liquid bottle or a slightly
smaller Penguin. Clause three of my unusual Parliamentary Bill sets up
the Consumer Survey Survey. A team with huge clipboards approaches
these smaller clipboard market researchers and they must answer (my law
says so) many questions...'How many people over 50 do you interview on
the average Saturday.' 'What is the proportion of fat to slim people
you interview. Here are two cards showing a typical fat and a typical
slim etc..'

At least it will keep them from annoying other people for a while.