Animal magic

Wild dimensions - Part 2
Animal magic

"Our next guest on This Brunchtime," said Prichard, "is the man from
Devon who earlier burst into the studio claiming to have discovered the
meaning of life. He says that his dog Vipporistc Mandrake Mandoge
Ballostov Pavlova can now talk and that he's had several coherent and
articulate conversations with him. Of course what with the apparent
disappearance of all the other dogs in the world, we're all quite keen
to find out what it is this one has to say. He also says that he has
invented a method of time travel that allows him to travel back to the
beginning of the Earth's history."
"That's right," said Deny.
"His name is Danny Grecian&;#8230;"
"Deny Greta."
There was an uncomfortable pause.
"Danny Grecian," persisted Prichard. "How can you justify
these&;#8230; spurious and, quite frankly, ludicrous claims?"
Deny looked at Prichard and shook his head.
"Because my dog can talk," Deny said quite simply.
Prichard laughed mockingly and said, "Well, here you are - on national
television. Ten million people are watching, your dog lying on the
couch. So go on then - lets hear him talk."
"Don't be so rude, Prichard!" Said Jody (the co-host of This
Brunchtime) to Prichard. "Mr. Grecian, if, as you say, your dog can
indeed talk, then I'm sure myself and all the viewers&;#8230;"
"I'm going to take all my clothes off!" Announced Prichard.
"&;#8230;would love to hear him," said Jody, ignoring
Prichard.
"Thankyou Jody. I'd love to show you," said Deny.
Deny paused for a while as he watched Prichard unbutton his shirt and
muttering, "&;#8230;talk to me like that - I'll expose my nipples -
that'll stop you&;#8230;"
"OK," said Deny. "Vippi." He whispered, gently shaking the sleeping
form of the world's first speaking dog. "Vippi."
"Mmmphh."
"What was that?" Asked Jody.
"Nothing - he's just waking up."
Deny continued to rouse the docile animal.
"Mmmppph," muttered the dog. "Woof!" he barked in an obviously
dog-like manner.
Jody looked at Vippi with a look of huge disappointment. Prichard
stopped rubbing his left nipple and looked at Deny.
"Well," said Prichard. "I think that justifies my actions. Not only
have you made me look a fool with your ridiculous
notion&;#8230;"
"I never asked you to take your clothes off!" Announced Deny.
"But you've also embarrassed Jody! She put all her faith and trust in
you and it turns out that you were just a lying, sneaking,
ball-rubbing, two-faced bitch!"
"Steady on!" Said Deny.
"Yeah, shut the fuck will you. My cock's itching and I need to prepare
my self for good hard licking!" Said Vippi as he sat up and arched his
back.
As one the entire studio gaped at Vippi. Prichard allowed his trousers
to drop to the floor in a shocked fashion. Jody stopped shaking and
gaped. The ten million people watching smaned at what was quite
obviously a yarn.
"What?" Enquired Vippi, innocently.
"All the people here have never heard a dog speak before," said
Deny.
"Oh," said Vippi. If he had been clean-shaven then people would have
noticed him blushing at this point. "Better get used to it."
"Wh&;#8230;wh&;#8230;wh&;#8230;" Enquired Prichard.
"Why?" Confirmed Jody.
"'Cause every dog in the world is about to come out of hiding and
start talking the arse off you all. Excuse me while I subdue this
erection&;#8230;"
This TV interview, which, at first, seemed like an innocent joke, soon
became the most notorious piece of TV footage ever shot. A couple of
weeks later the dogs came out of hiding and proved that Vippi had
indeed uttered those few choice words before the cameras were shut down
- although this was largely down to Prichard swinging his gonads around
in circles behind Jody's head. Vippi's wisdom was somewhat missed in
the resulting melee. As the dogs emerged and enigmatically announced
that yes they could talk and no, they weren't going to answer any
questions (there was the small matter of clearing up the huge mess left
by humans and sorting out all the natural resources of the world)
because they were feeling a little grumpy.
At this point Vippi (who'd taken early retirement) was headhunted by
various TV stations and newspapers so that he could explain to a very
bemused world what the hell was going on.
"Oh!" He sarcasted. "Now you want to speak to me! Not good enough
before! It takes all the dogs telling you to fuck off to realise that
I'm worth listening to! Well, I'm staying silent here with my new mate
Deny Greta. You can all piss off and come up with your own
story!"
"Ok," the journalist had said. "I'm sure we can find another dog
willing to accept millions of pounds for a few minutes work. You just
stay here with your mate and find yourself a bone."
"Well," said Vippi, after a few moments of thought. "Put like
that&;#8230;"
Vippi and Deny Greta were whisked away and turned into over-night
celebrities. They appeared on every TV show and in every magazine and
newspaper. They soon became sought after political figures and were
required to meet a succession of world leaders. Women and bitches would
throw their underwear and collars at Deny and Vippi respectively.
In short, what with the dogs all doing strange things and being very
elusive and quiet, Deny and Vippi seemed to be the only ones with any
sort of answer. They explained that the dogs were fulfilling their
Earthly obligation and sorting out the world's natural resources. Deny
went on to tell everyone what List had told him - that the world was
made up of 14 dimensions. A dimension has nothing to do with
horizontal, diagonal or vertical, but is something that goes towards
the welfare and upkeep of the Earth. God designed 14 dimensions, each
one is an essential task that goes towards the holistic function of the
Earth and is represented by an animal - e.g. dogs take care of the
Earth's natural resources. Dogs are specifically designed both
physically and mentally to carry out this task - the same goes for all
the other, as yet undiscovered, animals.
Of course, people's reacted by saying that this was all bollocks. Deny
said fuck you! Why are the dogs all running around like loons and not
being cute and submissive anymore? Eh? Got any better ideas?
So where does all this leave humans? Confronted with the suggestion
that most of the hard work they'd put in over the past few thousand
years had meant nothing because some wild animals should have been
doing it obviously left a bitter and dubious taste. Those few people
who actually believed Deny all asked the same question - what have
humans got to do with it all? Deny explained that he wasn't really
sure. All he knew was that it was the responsibility of mankind to
discover the dimensions, set the animals free and then manage them
effectively. Those people who didn't believe him laughed mockingly and
said nasty but not altogether untrue things about his mother.
After a while most people realised the dogs really did mean business
and that the only explanation that seemed to fit was the theory about
dimensions. After about a year of argument and matriarchal
enlightenment, Deny had gathered a large following that started to ask
the most relevant question so far - what are the other thirteen
dimensions and how will they get discovered? What humans didn't realise
was that not all the dimensions are represented by animals. Time, sex
and happiness are dimensions that exist inside every animal and human,
and it is up to the individual to discover it for themselves. This was
going to make things even more confused than they already were.
So the search began.
For the next year or two people debated viciously about what the
dimensions were, what animals would do the work and what each dimension
would actually be. This, in turn, sparked the largest uprising in
philosophical absurdities since the times of ancient Greece. Alongside
all the people diligently disbelieving the whole concept, the world was
in an almighty mess. A lot of people saw this as an opportunity to down
tools with the excuse 'let some animal do it, then.' People's views on
dogs had changed - they had marched on every coalmine, gold mine,
quarry and oil well in the world and forcibly seized control from the
workers. They had then destroyed the infrastructure of every mining
establishment and announced that they were going to take a holiday
before extracting the stuff themselves. For three long years whilst
this was all happening, the dogs allowed only the bare minimum to be
mined. There was hardly any coal or oil so electricity and transport
were cut to the bone all over the globe. There was virtually no stone
or granite so very little got built. Hence, around the world people
lives became more and more basic - and in a material world, this caused
massive resentment. The dogs said not to worry - once they had sunned
themselves adequately they would start utilising their skills and
everything would get back to better than normal. Humans told them to
stick it.
The longer it all went on, the more resentful people were becoming and
the less interested they were in believing in and discovering the
dimensions. The dogs said that this was mankind's problem.
So after four years, with mankind split down the middle, hardly any
transport, electricity, new housing or money and with humans and dogs
at logger heads, things were desperate and most people had forgotten
about the need to look for the other dimensions. Deny Greta and Vippi
were the most hated figures in the world - people blamed them for
starting the whole mess. It looked as though all was lost.
And then a miraculous coincidence occurred. The empty warehouses, oil
refineries and docks suddenly filled with copious volumes on wood,
stone, coal, oil, gold, chalk, marble - every natural resource that
that been missing for four years was suddenly available and, most
importantly, free. Within a few weeks the world was back on track again
and blissfully happy that suddenly everything was ludicrously cheap
because of the dogs' willingness to work for nothing.
This was nothing, however, compared to what happened about a month
later - somebody discovered the next dimension.
It was all a bit of an accident. What with all the social problems
nobody had really bothered to establish what the most important aspects
of the world were. Once this hadn't been done, obviously nobody had
come up with any ways to actually discover the dimensions. So one day,
a man name Vernon Largemember, sat down with his pet duck James and did
a very strange thing for reasons best left uninvestigated. Vernon
cleared his throat and stared at James the duck for 147 seconds whilst
humming 'Metal Guru' by T rex. Crucially, he was also carefully wiping
some spilt lemon juice from his two-year-old Marks and Spencer cardigan
(which was burgundy). The combination of these events sparked a wave of
reality that woke up all the ducks around the world.
"Is that really lemon juice?" James had asked.
"AAAHHHHHH!!! You spoke!" Vernon Longmember had screamed.
"Yeh," replied James. "No way is that lemon juice."
At this point Miliss Kuak, the governor of ducks, appeared and
explained to Vernon what he had done. He had released ducks from their
dumb embrace and they were now free to carry the task they were
designed for - to cook and care for food. Ducks had physically and
mentally evolved specifically to take food and mould it into something
wild, exotic, impossible and insidiously convoluted all at once. Aside
from this, they were experts in harvesting, storing, preserving and
packaging food. Vernon screamed for a while and explained that he
though it was rubbish - Miliss, a highly respected and intelligent
governor, called him a twatmonkey and instructed him to listen. It was
up to him to go out and explain this to the world. Humans had made too
many mistakes after the dogs had been released, so it was important
that they did one vital thing - trust the ducks.
So Vernon, with James, trod the same route as Deny Greta and Vippi.
Only this time he was a lot more careful. In response people breathed a
huge sigh of relief - after four years of mayhem and confusion, they
could finally believe that this dimensions business was in fact the
truth and that life could start to get back to normal.
Nothing could've been further from the truth.
With the old attitudes virtually eradicated, new ones started to
arise. It was almost like an obsession with people - the desire to be
the next person to discover a dimension was like a burning fever in
people. Most believed they didn't have to work anymore because if they
looked hard enough an animal would popup and do it for them - the world
turned into one giant treasure hunt. For the second time in a decade,
society began to crumble.
People believed that because of the bizarre conditions under which
Vernon Longmember liberated the ducks, to discover other dimensions
they needed to create equally strange and wonderful environments. Some
of the stories that emerged were quite incredible. One man in Lebanon
tiled his cat with crushed juniper berries whilst drinking turnip juice
from a crumbling u-bend. His belief was that cats evolved to produce
wonderful culture and that this was the obvious method needed to
'liberate' them. All he achieved was a bad stomach and a visit from the
PDSA (Beirut division). It was later believed that he was in fact a
tosser with a liking for turnip juice.
And so the crumbling continued. A woman from East Argentina would
creep up on exotic birds and smother them with a blanket make entirely
from the pubic hairs gathered from all the male members of her family.
A man in Scotland would throw used condoms into the river Dee until the
rivers authority started to throw them back at him - his belief was
that his sperm would ensure that all fish would become the tree
surgeons of the world. It was all very strange and the vast majority of
the people carrying out their 'methods' put absolutely no thought into
what they were doing.
It was another year before the next dimension was discovered. People
were starting to get a bored and itchy again. Most consumer items were
now incredibly cheap thanks to the dogs. The ducks had ensured that
food was not only virtually free, but also that when consumed it caused
the eater the desire to grow another gland in their throat so they
could taste it again on the way down. They made food taste that good!
But even with these amazing benefits, most of the world was still in
disarray and behaving in an extremely inappropriate manner.
One day, a woman named Megan Chuff, was walking along a sandy beech in
the West Indies when a thought occurred to her - she'd have bacon in
her sandwiches. She'd also been considering the polluted state of the
world and feeling rather sad about it (then feeling rather good about
feeling rather sad about it) when she stumbled across an Iguana. With
the thought of world pollution, bacon sandwiches and being rather
startled at the site of the rather large Iguana, the sarong Megan was
wearing slipped to the floor revealing her bikini. Still startled, she
quickly bent down to cover herself with the sarong but picked up a
dragon egg instead. Angry, confused, embarrassed and a little scared
she threw the dragon egg at the Iguana and shouted 'sloppy slappy'.
This combination of events led to the now familiar wave of reality to
sweep through the land and to suddenly liberate all the Iguanas.
Shocked by her amazing feet, she was further startled when Sig Harble
(the governor of Iguanas) appeared in a puff of sand and screamed
wildly at Megan for fully ten minutes.
"Ok," she said after Sig had stopped screaming. "I haven't the
faintest idea what you were trying to tell me, although I can tell you
were pretty cross."
"What!" Said Sig. "Stop saying orifice!"
"I didn't!" Said Megan.
"Oh. Sorry. I've been communicating in a completely different language
to the one I should've been using. I do it all the time. Piss on
me!"
"What?" Said Megan. "What did you just say?"
"Sorry - there I go again. Anyway, the gist of what I was saying was
this - you have discovered the dimension of Iguanas. It is their
responsibility to ensure that the Earth stays free of pollution you
greasy peace offered squirm feet&;#8230;"
"You're doing it again," said Megan.
"Oh yeah. Anyway, well done. The mess you humans have made of this
planet recently will be sorted in a little over an hour. Iguanas are
very intelligent but fatuous and mute. Don't try and talk to them
because they'll just stare blankly at you and then vomit for reasons
way beyond your logic. Mincey, mincey."
"Stop. You're doing it on purpose."
"So&;#8230;enjoy a pleasant and green world once more."
True to his word, the iguanas all disappeared and took the pollution
with them. Apart from a few piles of what looked suspiciously like
Iguana vomit everybody was amazed that pollution had ever been a
problem on Earth.
This event sparked the third wave of feeling throughout humanity -
from being bizarre and complacently lazy, humans now realised the job
hand and set about being far more logical about discovering the
dimension. Over the next three years another five dimensions were
discovered. A young girl at the zoo in Holland stamped her left foot,
farted and threw a half eaten Mars bar at a young wildebeest.
Incredibly, Fanny Twitch (governor of wildebeests) arrived and
juxtaposed until it was finally established that wildebeests were a
dimension. The same day a snake fell under the wheels of a fast moving
unicycle. As it lay dying the elderly rider undid the laces of her very
expensive Reebok (left foot) and started singing the theme tune to The
Sweeney. Bandy Marble appeared and explained that she was the governor
of snakes and that they were responsible for sociology, psychology and
philosophy. Which was a relief.
The following year saw the discovery of elephants (following a mess in
a mess room, a joiner called Babe smacked his arse and bellowed
moderately. Still perplexed by his actions he passed an elephant farm
on his way home and fainted - Dickshead Lapel arrived) who were
responsible for death. Dolphins (taking care of the oceans) were
discovered later the same year after a man dropped his Cornetto on a
Bottlenose Dolphin in the Pacific Ocean. The man was subsequently so
upset at losing his ice cream that he jumped in the water screaming
'political bed-rest' and lost his glass eye in the process - this final
action caused the wave of reality to do its work and for Dopier
McTerrapin, the governor of dolphins, to appear.
So with eight of the dimensions now discovered humans were starting to
feel pretty pleased with themselves. Natural resources, pollution,
oceans, food, time, wildebeests, philosophy and the dead were all
problems now completely fixed. The sight of a pair of elephants hanging
around outside hospitals and the homes of BBC executives had become
commonplace. If someone dropped a crisp packet or a can of fizzy drink,
a flash of green scales would tare around your feet before the
offending rubbish had even hit the ground. Despite people not really
grasping the concept of time, several people claimed to have visited
different points in history and were able to confirm that 1/ Hitler was
actually an hermaphrodite; 2/ Dr. Crippin was as camp as a cub scouts
jamboree. 3/ Florence Nightingale was a virgin - she bought her STD's
from men in pubs. 4/ Cesar's death wasn't actually as noble as history
reports - he actually died in February after hitting his head on the
side of a Larch whilst playing silly buggers with his playful but
brutish pet tiger Sebastian.
But the world wasn't as serene as it appeared. One bizarre occurrence
had been the wildebeests - when the girl in Holland liberated them,
everything happened as normal and the governor Fanny Twitch appeared
and the wave of reality ensued. Unfortunately, in trying to be
enigmatic, Fanny forgot to actually tell anybody what it was the
wildebeests were responsible for. Humans were therefore perplexed as to
what it was these herds of marauding wildebeest were actually meant to
be doing. It turned out that the wildebeests had some problems of their
own. The main problem
was one of language. They had a perfect grasp of English and had a wide
vocabulary, but somewhere along the line someone had neglected to
educate them in the actual correct definitions of each word. As it
transpired, they had applied their own meaning to each word. This
resulted in a language identical to our own, only the meanings of each
word meant something completely different to them. Alongside other
personality disorders and being highly emotionally charged, a
conversation with a wildebeest would normally go like this -
"Hello," a person would say. "How are you?"
"Silicon tripod?" The wildebeest would reply, meaning 'Sorry, could
you repeat that?'
"I beg your pardon?" The person would reply.
"Snake in the crass - slow poaching burns harder!" Which means 'Oh,
here we go again - just listen to what I'm saying!'
"I'm sorry?" The person would say. In the wildebeest tongue 'I'm
sorry?' translates as 'You tart!' which to a wildebeest is as offensive
as you can possibly be.
"Slate my tongue hardon, prefect? Watch the fence burn and my elbow
with ripple of tench!!!" Nobody is quite sure what the translation of
this last statement is, but the wildebeest will run away at point in
floods of tears.
People coped fairly well with the problems posed by the wildebeests as
they hung around in the street looking a bit out of place and bursting
into tears more and more frequently. But then something happened that
injected some urgency into the problem. A man called Buxton Slaven
discovered the next dimension - penguins. At first this caused wild
celebrations - now well over half of the dimensions had been found and
what with humans having plenty of time on their hands, any excuse to
organise a global party was seized upon with disturbing vigour.
As the weeks unravelled, however, it became apparent that the fairly
shy, elusive penguins weren't actually doing anything. After suddenly
appearing in all the major cities and towns in the world and waving
timidly to the vast crowds who had gathered to greet them, they just
headed for fridges and Hull. Apart from playing cards and waddling in
amusing manners to please the crowds, they didn't actually have
anything to do. When people asked them what their responsibility was
they just shrugged their shouldered and did a funny walk until the
people around applauded lovingly.
It very quickly became apparent that there was huge problem developing
- 'the age of the forth cock-up' as it was later dubbed. There were
wildebeests and penguins running around all over the place with nothing
to do - they were starting to get in the way of the dogs, the ducks and
the elephants (although no one gives a shit about them). A massive
proportion of humans had lost their jobs. Obviously there was still a
lot work that could only be carried out by humans - a few people had
tried to get away with it by saying that an animal would come along
eventually and do their
jobs. This argument, however, didn't wash when came to customer
services and royalty to name but a few. The Windsor's were most
disappointed.
As the next year unfurled these problems caused a lot of dissent and
bad feeling amongst a lot of people and virtually split the world in
half. There seemed to be no solution to it - the penguins were becoming
more and more embarrassing, the wildebeests were turning into a huge
joke, half the world's population was without work and getting very
bored. Even though five dimensions were still to be discovered people
were feeling uneasy about uncovering anymore in case this meant (look
at)that there would either be more animals running around with nothing
to do or another huge chunk of people would lose their jobs. Nobody
wanted either. Society crumbled again - even the snakes couldn't
persuade people to remain calm and just be
patient.
Over the next year another two dimensions were found. Dancing Clugs
were found living under a rock at the bottom of the Atlantic by
dolphins during some routine ocean splitting . Dancing Clugs turned out
to be fascinating little creatures.
Although they didn't perform a task as vital as pollution control or
care of the oceans, what they actually did was very cute. Red in colour
and about the size of a humming bird, they flew through the air on
their tiny wings searching for people who were angry for reasons that
were deemed petty, e.g. losing car keys or stubbing their toe on the
stairs. When they came across such a person displaying the usual
inappropriate behaviour traits, such as punching at thin air or
swearing more obscenely that they would do at any other injustice, the
Dancing Clug will fly through the persons throat and down into their
stomach. They will then proceed to do a little dance inside the persons
stomach and soak up all the bad feeling that has seeped in there due to
the injustice. The effect is instantaneous - the person will suddenly
stop hopping and scowling and start to feel incredibly content with
their lot and thank the sky for leaving the bottle undone on the tomato
sauce or splashing the dirty washing up water all down their clean
trousers.
The second discovery of the year was the ants. A woman carrying a
watermelon was thinking about her attic when she tripped on a discarded
pig and fell into an anthill. The pig was so angry at being woken that
it jumped up bit the woman on the arse, causing her to scream 'dipsy
wipsy'. The subsequent wave of reality shirked all the ants into
action. They immediately scuttled off and knew exactly what it was they
were responsible for - the upkeep of all the buildings, statues, homes
etc in the world. The governor of ants, Psmee Gartrum, turned up for a
few seconds, rubbed her face with some of the mud, explained in a
complicated manner the role of the ants, and disappeared again.
Initially this caused some resentment from all the painters,
gutterers, roofers and general maintenance workers. But they soon got
over it when they realised that they didn't really like their jobs
anyway, and the majority of them became ballet dancers or role-play
coordinators. And what with the Dancing Clugs flying around making
people feel good all over the place, the phase of the forth cock-up
appeared to be on the way out.
So with most of the dimensions now discovered and the Earth starting
to head towards some kind of stability, the two most important
discoveries occurred one Christmas a couple of years after the ants
started their work. Des Prodder and Wes Elephantiasis were next-door
neighbours and had never spoken in twenty years - not out of malice;
they simply never had a reason to speak before. Des and Wes could not
have been more different. Wes was a very private man who had few
friends and no family. He rarely left his home and spent his days sat
by a transistor radio listening to radio 4 and reading Agatha Christie
novels. Des, on the other hand, was a wild man with a wild past and an
even wilder future. He spent every night in pubs and at parties
drinking heavily and copulating earnestly. During the day he slept and
recovered, ensuring he was ready for a good night's debauchery and
intoxication.
One Christmas eve they created a bit of dimensional history - it was
the first time that two dimensions were discovered simultaneously, and
with the discoveries came a greater understanding about what dimensions
were actually all about. That Christmas Eve Des and Wes discovered the
dimensions of sex and happiness respectively. Des had returned home in
the early hours with a woman he'd met at a despairingly awful party.
He'd been getting a little down of late and was starting to question
his lifestyle, daring to believe that there was more to life than
drinking, drugs, and sex and extreme
pleasure. So he was feeling a little down and a little philosophical as
he arrived home late that night. He decided that the only way he was
going to cheer himself up was by having hitherto unexplored methods of
bizarre intercourse with the woman he'd gone home with. After an hour
of preparation he arrived in the bedroom with some Tupperware boxes, a
hard-boiled egg and an inflatable penguin. After twenty minutes of
activity that we'd best not go into, Des reached his highest ebb and
squealed 'Divda
cumdumba'. Incredibly, this sequence of events led to the most
explosive wave of reality yet seen (a lot of people were supremely
happy for about five seconds) and the appearance of Layer Titlow - the
governor of sex. He explained that sex was a dimension that lived
inside every human and animal and can be reached when one has enjoyed
truly amazing sex. If both parties (or all three, depending on the
situation) reach a certain level of sexual pleasure they will access
the sex dimension and go on a journey through the other person's soul.
For a few minutes the participants will be able to view the other
persons very make-up - their dreams, their aspirations, their
hopes and their personalities all represented by the most amazingly
dazzling colours, the sweetest tastes and sounds, and the softest and
most pleasurable touch ever experienced. Des had made a major
discovery.
At exactly the same time Wes had woken up after a beautiful dream
about a rabbit (you had to be there). The pleasure that had been left
from the dream was sitting proudly in his stomach but had not yet
reached his face, which looked angry and displeased. A young Dancing
Clug that had been following Des home from the party waiting for him to
drop his keys had spotted the open window in Wes's house and decided to
go in and warm up a little. Whilst hovering in the bedroom it noticed
Wes scowling and decided that he must be angry, so flew into his
stomach to soak up all the bad feeling. Of course, there was no bad
feeling - despite the scowl Wes was in
fact blissfully happy. So as the Dancing Clug did it's little dance to
soak up all the bad feeling he actually soaked up every single negative
feeling, no matter how minor, until Wes was left with absolutely no
negativity whatsoever. This state of mind is absolutely impossible,
because there is always a tiny worry lurking in the minds of even the
most joyous of people. Even these little worries were soaked up by the
Dancing Clug from Wes's stomach. This was enough to open the door to
another dimension. A wave of reality swept through the Earth and a
second later Dish Dais Poncer, governor of happiness, appeared out of
think air in Wes's bedroom.
Dish explained to a very happy and giggly Wes that when a person
reached a certain level of joy and allowed themselves to lose all
inhibitions, they would enter back into their own memories and visit
all the best periods of their life and experience it all over again. To
an outsider witnessing this occurrence, the person in question would
simply shut their eyes for a second and grin inanely. Behind their
eyelids they will physically enter a time in their past and have tea
with a long-deceased grandparent, or enjoy an
afternoon on holiday with their first lover.(expand on this a
little)
It was the best Christmas day ever. Presents remained unwrapped and
wine remained tightly corked as people around the world made love and
shut their eyes in fits of giggles. Within a few weeks all the problems
that had dogged dimensions since that day ten years before when Deny
Greta invented his silly torch were a distant memory. All the people
who'd been disconcerted because they were either out of work or pissed
off with all the penguins and wildebeests getting in the way, now had
their own dimensions to keep them occupied. Despite the fact that one
dimension was still to be discovered, humanity, the Earth and all the
other animals with their
dimensions finally reached a state of equilibrium. The world had
reached the dawn of what was later dubbed 'the Second age.'