The Fight or Flight Syndrome

Sometimes I hate this town where I live. I popped out just now to
the shop to get some milk; and there were a group of lads hanging
around the entrance to it. Why do they always hang around the entrances
to local shops these people? I got the unnerving feeling you can get
sometimes when you walk through a crowd of loud people. I kept my head
low, not wanting to make eye contact; and one of them began taunting
me. I just ignored him, then as I was about to enter the shop: WHACK!!
I felt something hard hit me on the side of my head. It was a stone, it
bounced off and rolled across the ground. I felt my head go numb, and
it started to throb a little. The group of lads started laughing at me.
I felt a bit dizzy, and faint, and felt anger well up inside. I wanted
to turn round and batter whoever had just thrown that stone at me. I
really did, even though I was out-numbered; I wanted to release a whole
tidal wave of fury at them. But I didn't - I kept my cool and didn't
say anything, didn't do anything, didn't even turn my head to look at
them. I just completely ignored them all; and continued to walk into
the shop like nothing had happend.

Inside the shop I could feel the adrenaline racing round my body, it
was a crippling feeling, not a pleasant one; and I wanted to clutch my
stomach, try and ease the restless butterflies churning inside. I was
just stood there looking at things on the shelves staring blankly at
them; not really concentrating, forgetting where I was, what I had come
for. My mind full of panic and anger. I tried hard to focus on the here
and now.. eventually getting myself together enough to buy a carton of
milk; I also ended up buying a pouch of tobbaco even though I'm trieing
to quit. I wish I hadn't bought that now. I really want to stop
smoking.

The lads weren't outside when I left the shop.. and I was relieved, as
I had been loitering inside the shop for ages; dreading going back
outside again. I'm such a coward when it comes to fighting. I hate
myself for being so weak like that. I wish I would fight back
sometimes, I wish I could be like Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan and floor
the lot of them. But however hard I try I just can't bring myself to do
it, no matter how nasty someone else is to me; in the heat of the
moment my strength seems to leave, and my mind goes blank. It makes me
feel inadequate at times, like I'm not a man or something, not a true
warrior.

I walked back home feeling a bit disorientated and depressed. I'm
terrified of confrontation. Somedays I just wanna run away to the hills
or something.. want to get away from this oppressive concrete vibe.