Happy Dave Get a Makeover

When Happy Dave successfully removed his endocrine system, it
quivered beside him for a moment then collapsed on to the tiles and
seeped between the cracks. The procedure was performed surgically by
his partner of nine years without the aid of anaesthetic.

Afterwards he felt nothing. Waves of fury no longer washed over him.
His brain was not flooded by surges of regret or tidal waves of
self-pity. Serenity descended like darkness then Happy Dave had his
first out of body experience.

"I was about five feet away from my body." he described in the pub the
next morning "up in the air, just brushing the ceiling.
"I could see everything. I could see me, from behind. I've got a thin
patch on the top, I never noticed before. I could see Jenny too. Her
mouth was flipped open in a lion's raw, drool dribbling from her
fangs.
The sink, the cooker, and the washing machine were all there but the
angles were all wrong, the shadows sticking out the wrong direction.
From up there I could see my whole life streaking for me beyond the
kitchen walls. It was amazing."
He paused for a mouthful, swilling larger in mouth, he started to
continue but paused again. He was quiet for a full minute. His mates
were becoming restless. Four-Stone Pete wriggled on his stool. Mike
Empty examined his beer mat for signs of saturation.
The chronicle of his relationship had kept them interested for years.
Whenever things got quiet, Happy Dave had always been on tap to relate
more tales from the scary side of single. It was all Four-Stone and
Empty had on their trek through bachelor safari. If the relationship
were over then a ghostly question mark would glide silently into the
air above the trio's future.

Empty had been trying something to say since last night when Happy Dave
had turned up on his doorstep with a carrier bag and a grin. Happy
Dave's face had been disfigured by years of innate grinning, a joke
that he refused to share with even his closest friends. He never had a
pleasant word to say about anything or anybody, but he grinned as he
wined and moaned, so nobody ever took him seriously. Empty was
especially pleased to see him because the carrier contained unopened
tins rather than worldly possessions. They spent the evening adding to
Empty's aluminium stockpile, amassed in lieu of a rainy day
account.
Although he had only been able to reassure Happy Dave on matters of
football, the only subject that Empty could speak about with
confidence, he did feel that he 'been there' for him in the most
literal sense. By the time they all sat around the table waiting for
more words of wisdom, he had just about formulated an opinion.

"But if you an Jenny split up, we can't go to that cinema," said
Four-Stone through treacle of his accent and beard, just as Empty
opened his mouth. "I can't be seen going to that cinema with two
blokes, I have my reputation."
That was a very good point Empty decided, instantly loosing track of
his own contribution. A fine mist wandered across his saucer eyes, tiny
sparks dancing between the clouds, fried by a bolt of eureka.

"You mean we won't be going out with Jenny again?"

Empty liked Jenny in a way both physical and physically unrequited. She
was the best looking girl he knew, the only girl he knew who talk, no,
converse with him more than to say "here's your change, love". Jenny
never talked down to him, unlike his boss, work colleges, school
friends, Sunday football team-mates, drinking partners, best friend,
and the woman who worked in the kebab shop. Happy Dave's Jenny was kind
to most people admittedly, that came from a lifetime in the caring
profession, but every time Empty had been to the social services office
she had been welcoming and eager to ask about what he had been doing
that fortnight. Of course, there were aspects of his work that he liked
to keep to himself, but privacy keeps the mystery as his mother use to
say when she and a boyfriend drove off for the weekend.

"No, no, you don't understand, I " Four-Stone jabbed a solid thumb into
his chest, "am not going to that cinema with yous two" and he pointed
the first-fingers of each had at his friends looking for a moment like
a forgotten game show host.
He had a little coughing fit.
"Now I ", jabbing thumb, "am not going to sit here and listen to
anymore of this, this," he looked around furtively, checked the cost
was clear "this bullshit from you Happy Dave. What do you say
Empty?"

Sometime, about ten years ago they had been sitting round a table in a
pub, a different pub that had since become a trendy bank, when
Four-Stone, who was on a beer-only-diet at the time, finished his pint
while the others where just sipping.
"Who's empty?" he called as he stood up for the bar. Mike, who at that
point was known only as Hack from his musical exploits, downed his pint
in a single breath and slamming the glass upturned on the table shouted
"I'm Empty, I'm Empty" and so the ritual was born.

Happy Dave slammed his glass so hard it shattered into a hundred
potential weapons before Four-Stone was out of his seat. For a man that
had recently been relieved of emotional response he seemed a little on
edge.

Four-Stone used the medical definition of cocktail as in "Henry was
given a cocktail of drugs to prevent full blown AIDS." He came back
from the bar with two trays of shot glasses. The sequence, speed and
method of assimilation were critical to the success of this operation.
The three men carefully ordered the drinks by percent alcohol and
downed according to Four-Stone's Sergeant Major instructions.
"Right Lads, Double vodkas to start, gulp, then
handful of ice, a Bailies for the girls"

Happy Dave struggled to his feet, hand pressed across his grin, he
swayed.
"Think I'm going to&;#8230;" and he fled to the gents and emptied
his nervous system into the toilet. As it hit the water, the neurons
curled up into a twinkling barbwire ball that floated before him. For
good measure, he coughed up a marinated kidney and the appendix he
never used, wiped spittle from him mouth with the back of his hand and
walked back to his friends.

The lunchtime drinkers had evacuated the pub and the jukebox selected
budget hits of the sixties. Happy Dave felt no pain.

The air flashed across Happy Dave like a knife, spilling his lungs and
spleen into the gutter. The heat of the day had warped the pavement
making it difficult to pursue alone. Mike Empty and Four-Stone are
helping each other to help Happy Dave around the crazy-paved
streets.

--This is work in progress. If you would like me to finish it, please
email or vote. Thank you --