Tim Versus The Factoids

If knowledge is power
Then factoids are batteries.
Putting down more pussies
Than a national chain of catteries.
Kidnapping truth
With a chloroformed flannel;
You won't find this shit
On the Biography Channel.
O cram me full of
Strange But Trues
Then fact me 'til I come
To wield the awesome mundane force
In each and every one.
A trivial pursuit, perhaps,
But I know where the cheese is;
Keep getting nailed and coming back
Just like my name was Jesus.
And yet,
For every truth I learn
A hundred more arise
An endless factoid zombie horde
With mournful, rotting eyes:

Mickey Rooney sleeps in a row boat stuffed with hay.
David Lloyd George believed yellow was immoral.
Perry Como invented Sunday.

Dame Judi Dench built a vulva out of coral.
Larry Adler wept soup.
Sting once blew up Belgium during a quarrel.

Fay Wray was raised by a gibbon troop.
The Buddha was French.
Johnny Cash sculpted mashed potato wives with an ice cream scoop.

Simon Le Bon spews saucy sermons from an old park bench.
Carly Simon was born with sixteen noses.
Randolph Scott once maimed a fox cub with a crescent wrench.

Karl Marx had a phobia of hoses.
Sidney Poitier cannot spell the word 'word'.
In a low-key Wiccan ceremony, Woodrow Wilson named his manhood Moses.

Kofi Annan passes resolutions astride a giant bird.
David Copperfield gave birth to his own car.
In Syria, 'Bonnie Langford' is a dish containing bean curd.

Jane Austen's moustache hid a kickboxing scar.
In his films, Marlon Brando was played by a double.
Nikita Khrushchev stoned crows with a training bra.

Michael Keaton sealed his children inside an airtight bubble.
Angus Deaton discovered the sun.
Paul Heaton once taught a baby to grow stubble.

John Milton refused to believe in the number '1'.
Paris Hilton's favourite tool is the awl.
Peter Shilton speaks in whispers of an eternal Chelsea bun.

Edward Teller won the secrets of the atom on a Boston hoopla stall.
The infant Paul Weller was found in a sarcophagus during an Egyptian dig.
Helen Keller was atrocious at pinball.
John Aspinall can hear a watch tick inside the belly of a pig.