Just got a New Life - Hurt 3

I walked around in a daze for about three months. I found that there
were actually few friends who would stay interested if I wasnt being
the same mad old me. Besides, I wasnt really interested in my friends.
I knew that there was something new that I needed. I gave up alcohol
because it just wasnt doing it for me any more. I gave up the friday
night joint, yeah and the Tuesday one and theThursday one, and the one
from every other day of the week. Smoke free!
Without the booze I found I just didnt need coffee. I felt evenmore
awake. I was turning into some kind of vegan without even thinking
about it. If I had a cappuccino,I didnt even enjoy it. Somewhere I felt
like I was being helped. That thought scared me, I'd never been
religious and I didnt want to start now; or did I?
Life without my usual props was scary. For a while I walked around
paranoid,with my blood singing out for sugar, or coffee or blow. I
could tough it out by gritting my teeth, but I knew that I'd just be
hiding my need and replacing it with anger.
I needed something to lean on, somethig to give me direction. It was
like I was walking around with no motivation, no real life in me. I
guess my body must have been going tthrough some major detox. Some days
I would come back from work and just want to sleep. I'd eat,then crash
for twelve hours.
Mr Clean, Mr Sleepy. I'd give up sex, but I wasnt getting any. Maybe
I'd have to give up, something I hadnt yet seen.
But what would have been impossible before my change was not a battle
now. Now I looked at a beer and it was only habit that made me want to
drink it, I smelt a cigarette and it tempted me, but I already knew
that it would taste foul and make me feel guilty afterwards. I had done
my twenty years of drinking and smoking, it was time for change.

I picked up a guide to courses. This was London, there was loads going
on. I always used tothinkthat having drunk in loads of pubs meant I'd
been around a bit. I realised now that meeting loads of different
people was what I enjoyed, getting pissed just hid my nerves.
I looked for a course or a class. I thought about Kung Fu or Yoga or
something trendy. Just the thought of doing something like that made e
feel bright and happy again, the feeling you get when you're a kid. You
feel great abouthaving a weeekendoff school, jumping on your bike and
meeting your mates and Mum's said there'll be fish fingers for tea and
you just cannot wait for any of it. You want to have it all now. I can
taste the smashed potato and the ketchup and the cold metalof the bike
frame, I can taste my own cut knee and the salty skin around the graze.
I can taste the sweat and laughter.

So I do it. And I end up in a nice adult education centre. The
classrooms have got carpet, the coffee is from a vending machine and I
spend my time talking to blokes and women who are older than me. The
coffee tastes shit so I never drink coffee again.
Maybe line dancing class was a mistake. I stuck it for twelve weeks,
allthe time secretly envious of the guys with cowboy boots. I didnt get
laid.
Meditation class was different. I'd sit on the floor and get genuinely
relaxed. The first time, I got so relaxed that I lost all sense of my
body being there at alll. I sat upright with my hands in my lap and
tried to have compassion for every one and every thing. My body shook
and it felt like someone had put some kind of psychic hoover tothe top
of my head and sucked out all theshit.
I'd turn up knackered and with my old preconceptions rattling around
my kneck like the skeletons oflong dead albatross. No excuses here
people, they may have been the wrong preconceptions but at least they
were mine. And hey, I've got to have some kind of FUCKING
PERSONALITY.
I stuck that one out for 3 years. Nowadays I mainly practice at home.
And I guess in some small way I had a bit of a head start. I kind of
had my revelation before I got to the class.
Dont get me wrong,I may soundmad, but I'monly verblising what I
didntused to verbalise. If I'd heard anyone talking like this a few
years back, I'd have thought them weaka nd hated them for it. Thats one
of the things that slows down my change; fear of being weak.
Its been aa funny old year. The trouble with change that is so deep
seated, is that it seems to effect your whole personality. This means
that you are still awash at sea, but the trick is to just relax, the
more you let it happen, the more the sea calms. Thats the difference
beyweenlife and analogy. Each time you try to make it like something
you find that the analogy encompasses only one small part of it and
then youre off again, every time you taste the ice cream its got a
little more warm and a little more wet. It may not be by a lot, but
then again, that's part of the point. The more sensitive you become,
the more you can find in everymoment. Depending on which way you lean,
either if you go with the Taoists and their Way, or the Buddhists and
their Universal enlightenment, its all a circle.

There's no way to describe that which must be felt and therefore it
becomes irrelevant. Being is everything - take another lick of ice
cream. And if we are all reborn then the Buddhists have it right we are
everybodies mother and everybody is our mother. So how can you harm
your own mother? Who knows. There's some ice cream on your chin
there.

And the one thing that I'm still getting is this. Why fight? The softer
you are, the less that bothers you. And heres the real news folks - if
you apply this to your physical life, you actuallly will win. It takes
time and effort.It aint the goal, its the journey!
Fuck that elbow in the ribs me like I'm some mate of his sisters
gorgeous.
The angry man's still there, he's just changing. At least he knows what
an angry man looks like from the inside.
Change is never complete.

Anyone up for a drink?