J- 'Babybuy'

"Hello. Is this Babybuy?" Sarah Thornton stepped through the door of
the small building. The blusher on her carefully made-up face shimmered
in a shaft of light. Clasped in one hand was the letter which had
brought her to this quiet part of town. The room smelt faintly like a
car showroom, it was clean and minimalist with a computer desk, two
chairs and a large TV sheet on the far wall ahead. A man of about 35
was sitting at the computer screen, he turned as she entered.

"Certainly is Madame." He stood up and walked towards her with his hand
extended to shake hers. "Alan Talbot. Pleased to meet you."

"Sarah." He was good-looking, dressed in a smart, black suit. His hair
was tidy and his face had a boyish charm, yet still showing traces of
adolescent scarring. He vaguely reminded her of her many past
boyfriends. All had come close but had somehow fallen short of what she
was looking for, usually with a few aspects which prevented her from
fully committing.

"I see you have our invitation?"

"Yes&;#8230;" Sarah said hesitantly. "It's not very clear, I'm
afraid. But it did make me curious. I thought I'd come and find out
more anyway..." She looked down, folding the letter into a neat square
then putting it in her handbag.

"Well I'm glad you made it. Please come this way and I can give you a
better idea of what Babybuy is about." He indicated a chair in front of
his desk. Sarah smoothed her skirt carefully as she took the seat. Her
first impressions gave her confidence both in him and his organisation.
It seemed professional. The letter was obviously not a joke but now she
felt apprehension as the implications sank in. She wasn't sure what she
was doing here. She had tried to convince herself it was simple
curiosity that drove her, but inexplicably, she had hesitated outside
for some time before finally entering.

"First, let me explain that we do not seek publicity and have, so far,
only approached a few potential customers." He paused. Sarah nodded -
that was why she had heard nothing of the company up until now.
"Basically," Alan continued, "we're here to enable childless people to
have a child of their own without the usual complications and
uncertainty of adoption or surrogates. As you are probably aware,
medical research into genes has been going on for some time now, both
on humans and animals such as the rhesus monkey, a close relative of
ours." He smiled, a practiced twinkle in his eye. "This has enabled
certain techniques to be perfected, which Babybuy uses to create human
infants." He stopped again, waiting for her to take in what he had
said. "The process is called Germ line Modification, which simply means
removing unwanted genes and inserting desired ones into the egg or
sperm. This allows us to select the baby's physical characteristics,
plus such things as intelligence, life span and resistance to disease.
With Babybuy, a parent can create a child to their own
specification."

Sarah stared at Alan as she tried to grasp what he had said. It was
becoming more apparent that the claims of the letter could genuinely be
achieved. She hadn't allowed herself to really believe it when studying
the details for the first time the previous week. Yet somehow she
hadn't been able to let the invitation pass her by. It had remained on
the kitchen table, tempting her like a box of unopened chocolates until
the date had finally arrived.

"Does that sound interesting?" Alan asked, interrupting her thoughts.
Sarah nodded at him perhaps a little too enthusiastically and he
continued. "After you've selected your child's characteristics, we grow
your baby inside a genetically engineered organic womb, much like the
techniques we already use to grow meat for supermarkets - but far more
sophisticated of course." Once again, the twinkle. "So Sarah, what do
you think?"

She felt unsure of what she should say. She had hoped that by coming
here, it would dispel the possibility that the company was actually
genuine. She had half-expected it to be some elaborate con advertising
something entirely different. "Er, I don't know&;#8230; it sounds
great, but I need time." Her head was whirling. How could she decide on
the spur of the moment? She'd never thought of having a baby before,
well, only as a by-product of marriage. Yet now she was being presented
with this inconceivable proposal of perfection, suddenly deeming the
idea to be strangely attractive.

"How much would it cost?" She asked the man cautiously.

"Well" he said, "it obviously depends on your choices. There are
several options, as I have described, and different maintenance plans."
He reached into a drawer, bringing out a smart leather pouch with the
Babybuy logo embossed on it. "In this information pack you will find
our basic fee scales and payment plans. It also has all the details of
what I've just told you, and a video, so you can see exactly what
happens. Take your time. Remember I'm always here. If you have any
questions, don't hesitate to call me - my number's inside."

Sarah left the small office in a daze. She was elated but unsure.
Perhaps this was it! She held the information pack carefully, guarding
it as she made her way back to work.

*

The light flooded through the kitchen window warming Sarah's face, the
chrome sink gleaming like crystal. She squirted more cleaning fluid
onto the work surface and continued scrubbing vigorously with a cloth,
pushing her weight through both arms as she moved it forwards and back.
It was frustrating that despite her efforts, she could never get the
work surface as shiny white as the bottle promised. The ammonia caught
her eyes and nose, her eyes flickering painfully. She couldn't stop
thinking about Babybuy. The night had been spent drifting in and out of
consciousness, unable to remove a recurring image from her head. Now,
it remained clearer than anything and nothing she did would remove it.
She had been walking through what she assumed to be a blur of people.
She was clutching the hand of a small child who kept on looking up at
her with these large, striking blue eyes. She reminded her of herself
as a girl, with long, fine curls of blond hair and a delicate frame;
only this child appeared almost heavenly or angelic. The expression on
her face was one of beautiful innocence and it was as if she was
transcendent or illuminated from the surroundings. Each time Sarah took
her eyes off her and looked back she saw other, more familiar images
appearing to jump out from the crowd. In her suspended sleep, she
hadn't made any connection other than remembering a sense of dread or
sickness as she saw them, but now she recognised them as past
boyfriends and acquaintances. They all looked strangely grotesque
though, with faces that were either distorted or out of proportion.
Then, dominating all other images, the faces of her parents appeared.
In the restlessness of her sleep she recalled feeling suffocated by
their enormity. She remembered their scolding when she failed to get to
university and their disapproval of her life in general. Yet when her
gaze turned back to the angelic child, everything else paled into
insignificance, the voices fading to a soft hum. This morning, she had
awoken, sticky eyed and exhausted with the word Babybuy rose unbidden
on her mind.

*

"Ok Sarah, what eye colour would you like your proposed child to
have?"

"Blue please." She knew every detail precisely; she had seen the girl
in her dream. Alan began processing the data into the computer, tapping
on the screen as she spoke.

"And Height?"

"5 foot 8 would be good."

"Skin colour?"

"White"

"Ok! Now Sarah, we have a number of body shape profiles, take a look at
these and choose the one you would like. I have to tell you, this will
be subject to correct nutrition." He leant over the table and handed
her an A4 piece of card, she took it, her hand shaking. She didn't want
to think too deeply about what she was doing, every time she did she
felt like throwing up or running from the room.

"This one please." She held the card up, pointing to image number 21
which showed a narrow human frame, similar to her own but with a more
attractive curve to it.

"Ok good, you're doing well Sarah, relax a little!" She laughed
nervously, and tried to ease the tension in her shoulders. His words
made her feel slightly better, taking her into reality. She told
herself not to get so worked up about it; after all it was this part
she should be enjoying. Perhaps it was just the rashness of it all and
the abnormality that made it seem strange or wrong. Yet this baby was a
chance to escape from a life of trying to achieve the impossible. She
thought of the many years of her youth striving to get to the best
university only to have failed, ending up no more than a part time
secretary. It had been the same with men, constantly seeking out the
perfect match in the hope that he would somehow fill the void within
her. This seemed fated. First the letter, then the sudden urge to find
out about Babybuy and finally, the dream! Perhaps it was telling her
that she had been looking in the wrong places for happiness. What she
was doing now seemed so right. She felt sure that this was meant to
be.

Sarah's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the computer bursting
into life.

"Sarah? Let me to show you a simulation of your daughter, age 10. This
assumes normal nutrition and lifestyle, of course." He smiled
reassuringly.

She turned to look at the screen. Emotion overwhelmed her as she looked
into the deep, blue eyes. It was the girl in her dream! Her throat
ached as she attempted to retain her composure and not let the welling
tears fall.

"It's OK, Sarah. Don't be embarrassed to show your feelings." He
reached under the desk and handed her a tissue. "This is what we're all
about&;#8230; the happiness a child can bring&;#8230; your very
own child."

"I'm sorry." Sarah dabbed at her eyes, trying her best not to smudge
the mascara.

"I'm really embarrassed now!" She blushed, not sure what had got into
her. She felt as if she was in a bubble, not quite believing that she
was crying in front of this man, it just wasn't her. It became like an
extension to her dream, hazy and unreal. But at the same time a welcome
feeling of release grew in her. It was as if all the years of tension,
anguish and failure were being washed away like water cascading off a
cliff, heralding a new beginning.

Alan waited until Sarah had collected her thoughts. "I'm sorry to ask
more questions but did you want any extras&;#8230; intelligence
quotient, et cetera? Obviously, this will add to the cost &;#8230;"
She looked again at Alan, his face blurry and surreal and his words
oddly louder than usual, penetrating through the silence.

"Yes! Yes please." She sniffed, no longer concerned about what he
thought of her. She wanted everything for her daughter, everything, all
that she had not had and more. She had money saved and this was the
perfect opportunity to use it. She looked back at the image on the
screen through tear-filled eyes. She would call her Anna, her perfect
little daughter Anna Thornton.

*

The gentle patter of rain sounded at the open window and a sharp gust
of wind blew, causing Sarah to shiver violently. She didn't get up to
close the window. The air was dull and gloomy despite it being before
noon. Even the light that she had switched on earlier only produced an
oppressive faint, orange glow above her. Her blond hair was un-kempt
and her face tear stained with the remnants of blotchy makeup and dark,
streaked mascara. She looked down at the small, sleeping, baby she was
rocking rhythmically in her arms. The baby's eyes flickered
occasionally and her mouth made small sucking noises. Her tiny hand
rested on her cheek. She whimpered slightly and her breath became
quicker. Sarah prayed that she wouldn't wake and then watched with
relief as Anna relaxed, letting out a small sigh of contentment. Sarah
felt the tears rise up inside her yet again and released a noisy cry,
which she quickly stifled. Her tears flowed easily, dripping onto
Anna's blanket. She wanted to love her so much - she really did! But
each morning, her heart seemed to ache for a reason she did not
understand. She felt suffocated by overwhelming emotions. Surely, she
should be happy now? She had a perfect little girl, her very own child
that would grow to be everything she wanted her to be. Yet still that
same sickness remained, that same dull ache in the pit of her stomach
and feeling that something was missing.

Anna opened her large blues eyes briefly and stared into space with a
look of disorientation; then she closed them again, letting out another
deep sigh.

Up to the birth, life had been an endless daze of preparation and
excited anticipation. Now Sarah felt nothing, just deflated numbness,
worse than she had ever felt before, a complete lack of energy and
will. She had lied to the nurse from Babybuy about Anna: "Yeah, it's
all going well thanks&;#8230; really good. She's an angel, hardly
ever gives me much trouble&;#8230;" In truth, she was everything she
could have possibly hoped for, but what Sarah hated was the mess. It
was supposed to be perfect, clean and perfect. Like the video they'd
given her. She wanted to show off her pretty daughter, her clever
daughter - not wipe up mess and be woken up at all hours.

Sarah looked wildly round the messy room, and made a decision. She
kissed Anna softly and took her to the buggy in the hall, wrapping her
up and clipping on the waterproof cover. She moved mechanically,
allowing herself no emotion now.

Outside, the rain was lessening. A fine drizzle fluffed her hair and
clung to her eyelashes. As she wheeled the buggy down the drive she
noticed two figures standing in the rain along the road a little.

"Mrs. Thornton? Can we ask you a few questions please?" It was the
journalists again, the man with the camera and that pesky brunette who
had been hanging around for days. She wished they would leave her
alone. They were the last people she wanted to talk to.

"I'm busy." Sarah snapped, pushing past them with the buggy.

"How does it feel to be the first person to have a genetically
engineered baby?" The woman persisted, thrusting a microphone towards
her face. "Do you think it's ethical?" The two began to follow her as
she quickened her pace. "Mrs. Thornton&;#8230; don't you think this
is one step too far? Aren't we effectively playing God by designing our
own children?"

Sarah did not look back. She continued walking automatically. Soon the
nagging voice was replaced by the rapid clicking of her heels on the
wet concrete and the gentle twitter of birds filling the air after the
downpour.

She finally came to a stop, clinging to the handles of the buggy in
front of the stone with her mother's name on. Despite the encroaching
grass, she could make out the words 'Elizabeth A. Thornton' etched on
the gravestone. The rain was starting again, the sound of the fresh
drops pattering like sugar through the canopy of the surrounding trees.
Sarah did not notice.

"She looks nothing like you."

"Hello?" Sarah looked around, startled. The birds that had settled
besides her on the marshy ground, shot into the air, squawking wildly.
"Really love. Look at yourself, what exactly are you trying to
achieve?" It took her a few moments to realise that she was imagining
the words of her mother.

"I thought you'd be proud." Her own voice replied dryly in her
head.

"Look Sarah&;#8230;" Her mother's voice continued. "You've not got a
decent job; you don't have a husband or regular boyfriend. Yet here you
are with a child! You've rushed into things again without considering
the consequences, haven't you?" The voice sighed pityingly. "Honestly
love. What did you really think you could give to this child?"

"But look at her, Mum. She's beautiful. She's perfect!" Sarah
cried.

There was a long silence, broken only by the whistle of the wind
through the grass.

"Exactly." The voice said with scornful finality.

*

"You alright love?" Sarah turned abruptly to see a figure standing
beside her. Her mother's words fading away into the damp air. She
realised that she was completely drenched. The sky was dark and the
rain lashed down, slicing at her face and running down the waterproof
cover on Anna's buggy

"It's not stopped all day 'as it?" He coughed. "That's British weather
for you I guess."

Sarah looked blankly at the man. He wore a large, green anorak, his
long face just visible behind the hood.

"Still. Work's work. S'pose you gotta put up with it at the end a'
day." He sighed, removing an empty crisp packet from the ground with
the long claw he was holding. Sarah smiled faintly and then walked
away, forcing the buggy back through the mud.

*

Alan looked up from the desk,

"Yes?" He looked at her and the buggy blankly.

Sarah swallowed hard. Her mouth felt dry and she knew that whatever she
said would cause her to burst into tears.

"Oh! It's you Sarah&;#8230; and little Anna." A welcoming smile
appeared on his face. "How are things going?"

She walked towards him, hoping that through her wide, fearful eyes, he
would somehow guess what she was about to do and understand.

"She's a beautiful little thing isn't she?" Alan was peering down into
the buggy.

"I&;#8230; I can't keep her&;#8230;" Sarah managed to force the
words from her lips. They hung heavily on the air in the agonizing
silence that followed. She could feel her heart beating.

Shock and confusion spread across Alan's face. He was no longer the
composed, friendly man Sarah had known. "I'm sorry Sarah but this is
not really my department." He said nervously. "You should have a word
with the nurse when she visits, I'm sure it will help to talk things
through with her. Like I said, I'm just in charge of the initial
specification. After that it's up to my colleagues in Babybuy's
maintenance department&;#8230; I'm sure you know all the people
there now."

"I&;#8230; I didn't know where else to go. The nurse doesn't come
again until next week so I just thought&;#8230;" She had dreaded his
reaction but perhaps known what it would be. The sound of her heart
pounded in her ears and her legs began to shake.

"I suggest you take Anna home and give them a ring." Alan said in a
reassuring tone. "Or I can give them a call myself and ask her to visit
soon if you'd prefer? How does that sound? " He smiled.

The room seemed to spin. Sarah could no longer stand, or keep from
crying any longer. She wanted it to be over, but the thought of
returning to how she had been before seemed hopeless. There was nothing
to look forward to and everything now seemed bleak and lifeless, as if
all colour had been drained from the world. She had thought that Anna
would truly give her something to live for but Sarah realised now she
was only an illusion of happiness.

"Please! Please! Just take her from me!" She collapsed onto her knees,
sobbing, still clutching the baby in her arms. Anna woke abruptly and
let out a wailing scream that rang through the building like a fire
alarm. Sarah felt weak as she struggled to maintain a grip on the
struggling child. "Take her from me, I'm no good for her!" She
spluttered.

"Please &;#8230; Sarah." He pleaded. "I really can't help you, I'm
sorry. Please calm down, I'll call the nurse and she'll talk to
you&;#8230; I don't know what else to do&;#8230;"

The baby let out another shrill scream.

Alan was on the phone "Hi, Mike&;#8230; yes&;#8230; can you get
down here&;#8230; Now, please, we've got a problem&;#8230; It's
Sarah Thornton and Anna&;#8230; Bring her nurse down will you?...
OK, thanks Mike. As soon as possible please." Alan slammed the phone
down, a look of panic on his face.

"Don't worry Sarah. Your nurse will be here as soon as possible,
everything's going to be OK now."

Sarah could barely hear his words. She could barely hear anything
except a faint, buzzing in her head and her own occasional gasps for
breath. She could see little other than an image of complete blackness,
a dark tunnel with no end. This was all that her efforts had gained
her. Her hopes and aspirations ended here. She would exist but not live
and she was tired of trying. She would forget Babybuy. She would forget
the past and live for each second, never looking ahead or looking back.
Slowly she allowed her body to collapse onto the carpet, nestling the
crying baby to her breast. She vaguely heard the soothing voice of a
woman and felt Anna leaving her arms. Then she lay there sobbing
silently until there was nothing left to cry.

*

Sarah gazed into the mirror, focussed on drawing the perfect line
around her lips. Earlier, she had straightened her hair and now she
needed a touch of colour on her eyes. Ben was a pleasant name. She'd
never been out with a Ben before. He'd sounded nice when she spoke to
him on the phone. She finished dusting her eyes with a blue shimmer and
grabbed her bag. As she reached inside for her keys, her hand came
across a small square of folded paper in the bottom. A vague,
sickening, memory tried to push its way to the surface of her mind but
she dismissed it quickly, screwing up the paper and tossing it in the
bin.