Regret

In a split second your life can change, for the better or for the
worse.
Once it's changed there is no going back, ever.
I remember the moment it happened, that one word that pulled my whole
world into this endless recurring nightmare. That one word 'ok' that
sealed my fate so firmly, so irreversibly.
I used to believe in living without regret. Regret can rule you, it is
a sure way to live your whole life in the past.
Now I live with regret for every day, every hour, every minute forever
wishing I was in the past.

When I was growing up people used to say that all parents love their
children and I believed them I really did. They were wrong so wrong
some parents aren't capable of love. My father wasn't, he didn't know
how to love.
I never felt neglected though, my mum gave enough love for the both of
them and she hid her pain well. He was too busy working and I was too
busy growing up to realise the hurt she held inside.
That same hurt killed her, she couldn't find the strength to fight the
disease.
Cancer took the only piece of consistency from my life, my
mother.
The empty pain in my heart could never be matched. She was gone yet she
was everywhere I went.
I watched as the guilt devoured my father and then slowly transformed
into bitterness at the life she had left him. He couldn't explain his
emotions, but then how can you explain something you don't
understand.
It slowly poisoned him over the next few years, and as the poison began
to seep into my empty heart I knew I had no love for him, and he had no
love for me in return.

I was thirteen when he finally disposed of me.
When he threw me out the backdoor it was the first and last time he'd
ever touched me.
I was too head strong to get help, I got that from him. I was also too
loving to be alone, I got that from her.
I don't even know how it happened but I ended up squatting in a old
five bedroom house in Tottenham. I found my new family there, I found
everything that had been missing there. For the first time in so long I
was happy.
Shannon took care of me, she was the big sister I had never had. Her
boyfriend Ryan protected and loved us both equally. My heart swelled
again and the poison evaporated. Others came and went but Shannon and
Ryan stayed. They said they didn't stay for me but I knew they
did.
Shannon worked in a caf? some week days while Ryan dealt puff locally,
only small scale. He only did it to buy me stuff, he didn't want me to
feel bad because I had nothing. He didn't understand that with them I
had everything I wanted.

They had both saved up for months to buy me my fifteenth birthday
present, a brand new pair of trainers just like the ones I seen in the
window the month before. They were the best present I had ever had. I
loved them so much I cried when they gave them to me. They gave me
twenty quid as well saying I deserved some money to buy whatever I
wanted. It was the best birthday ever. Shannon went to work and Ryan
stayed home to meet some people. I got the tube into Camden on my own
for the first time, I wasn't scared I felt too happy to feel anything
else.
I walked around the market and found a purse for Shannon, it was her
favourite colour blue with spirals sewn into the canvas. I got Ryan a
lighter hand painted with his name. I couldn't wait to see their faces,
they'd probably tell me I shouldn't have spent the money on them. I
wanted to, I really did. I sat on the train so excited I felt like
smiling but Shannon had always warned about the sort of people you meet
on the tube.
As I hurried up Bridge Street towards our home I saw the lights. I
froze, my heart leapt to my throat. Ryan was being bent into a police
car, followed by Shannon. I tried to scream their names as I ran but
nothing came out. As I reached the house I could see the car pull off
up the road and gone.
I fell onto the kerb and cried clutching the presents I had wrapped in
paper on the way home.

The next three months were a haze of tears. I waited every day by the
door for someone to come, no one did. Four months had passed and I had
no money and no food. I had used everything they had left behind and
there was no one to help me.
They weren't coming back I knew that now, they had left me too.
My heart had not long been mended was now broken again.
I don't know how long I walked the streets for. It could have been
hours, it could have been weeks. I just wanted to see them, tell them I
was sorry for whatever I had done.
I just didn't understand why they hadn't come back for me.

Then as I turned the corner I saw him. It was the back of Ryan
disappearing into an old house. I ran with fresh tears streaming down
my cheeks. Running to safety, running to Ryan. I had missed them so
much. I had felt so lost.
I went in the house without a second thought and ran up the stairs
following the footsteps I could still hear.
I caught up with him on the second floor and flung my arms around
him.

"Ryan!" I screamed crying.

It wasn't him, there was a man who resembled Ryan so closely it seemed
unreal standing smiling smugly at me.

"Hello gorgeous" he said in a soft tone.
"Hi" I replied turning to leave, and quickly.
"Hey hey don't go so soon" he said reaching after me.

His voice made me want to leave but when I looked in his eyes I wanted
to stay. All I saw was Ryan and his voice soon drifted from my
mind.

"Why don't you stay with me a while, you don't need to go out there on
those dark streets alone. You can stay here, we have plenty of room" he
said smiling as he stroked my face.

I still only saw Ryan.

"Stay with me and I'll take care of you" he said moving his arm around
my shoulder slowly.

"ok" I said feeling the warmth of Ryan's arm around my cold
shoulder.

That was the moment. That was the split second my life changed. That
one word that pulled my whole world into this endless recurring
nightmare. That one word 'ok' that sealed my fate so firmly, so
irreversibly.

He wasn't Ryan and he soon taught me that. He soon told me I needed to
earn my keep, he soon told me I needed breaking in. He soon broke me
in.

I couldn't say how many it has been now, I've learnt to shut off
completely. Sometimes I used to bite. It would generally get me a few
days away. But then he'd come and do the caring big brother routine and
the nurses never clocked. Of course I couldn't speak, he made sure of
that.

He's got others but he won't let me see them. He won't let me see more
than these four walls, and the occasion hospital ceiling.

He told me I can leave anytime I want. But he said that my smell will
make all men want me and they will all have to have me so I am safer
here.
He said what I've been doing is bad and the police will take me away if
they find me.
He said why would I want to leave, he feeds me and gives me new
clothes, am I ungrateful? He showed me what he does to the ungrateful
ones. Another few days of freedom.

I left one day when he was out, I went back home to the house. It was
gone, replaced by a pile of rubble. Signs outside but I couldn't read
them it was raining too hard. I was so hungry but I only had enough for
one more tube fare.
That's when it hit me, where can I go? Nowhere. So I wandered, until I
could barely walk another step from the cold and tiredness.
I went back to him and he showed me why I should never leave
again.
So I didn't.